Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
So I wrote my sister a letter in jail. She claimed that she wanted an honest, open letter. And I gave it to her. In all it's plain misery, blatant honesty, and terrible coldness. I tried to soften it a bit, but not too much. I didn't want to baby her anymore. I wanted her to know what hell I had been through, at her hands, before and during the addiction. She wants a relationship when she gets out of prison, which we have never really had before, and I felt I needed to face our checkered past before we could attack the future. My big sister has been the only bully I have ever encountered in my life that I couldn't handle.
I wrote it, waited three days, reread it, rewrote it, waited three days, reread it, rewrote it, waited three days, reread it, then sent it.
She got it and immediatley phoned my mum. She used up her whole 2 hour phone card sobbing about how I must think shes a horrible person, about how I must hate her. She told my mum she had been crying for hours before she even called.
Now, in the letter I clearly stated, numerous times, that I loved her. That she wasn't a bad person and that she wasn't horrible. I told her that she was her and I was me, and me is terrified of her.
I thought it would clear it up for us, or at least start too. But now I'm even more confused!! Were her reactions sincere? Was she making it all about her still? How do I know if it did anything at all???
Sorrt for making this so long, and thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far!
I wrote it, waited three days, reread it, rewrote it, waited three days, reread it, rewrote it, waited three days, reread it, then sent it.
She got it and immediatley phoned my mum. She used up her whole 2 hour phone card sobbing about how I must think shes a horrible person, about how I must hate her. She told my mum she had been crying for hours before she even called.
Now, in the letter I clearly stated, numerous times, that I loved her. That she wasn't a bad person and that she wasn't horrible. I told her that she was her and I was me, and me is terrified of her.
I thought it would clear it up for us, or at least start too. But now I'm even more confused!! Were her reactions sincere? Was she making it all about her still? How do I know if it did anything at all???
Sorrt for making this so long, and thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far!
People think all addicts are bad, evil, liars, etc but they aren't when not using. Drugs make them be people they aren't. Now if you were a jerk when you didn't drink or use drugs your still gonna be a jerk.
Stand your ground and do not feel bad about this. If she really wants a relationship with you, she will call and say she is sorry.
That is what a healthy person would do and a person would healthy boundaries would expect. And, your mother should tell her this is between you and her... at best if your mom is aware of her bullying, she should call her on it and tell her she has a lot to make amends for. Now, about having your sister in your life, she needs to prove she is worthy of that. Addicts are all about what they want. Remember that. She might not be using but I don't see any change in thought or behavior.
Hugs!!!!
There are 12 different types of personalities not everyone will react the same way.
Things are not always so black and white.
Not all things work for all people, I will not say your sister is a bully because we all have different ways of handling people.
She may feel more comfortable talking to your mom, you mom maybe a peacemaker don't know. But I do know you sent the letter, she knows your feeling and only time will tell how things turn out.
I don't have any real answers. I lived in an unhealthy marriage for years 'for the kids', finally got the strength to get out, and discovered that my former husband was not finished with attempts to bully me into submission, no matter what the subject, and then, as I began to draw healthy boundaries, he turned it more and more toward the kids. Such a complicated mess - this thing called life.
Any peace I find comes from learning to listen to my heart, speak kindly but honestly, be true to myself, and at the end of the day, do what seems right for all concerned, including me, to the best of my ability. It often does not turn out like I would like, but I keep doing my part, and try to trust that in the big picture, it will be ok. One of my prayers is 'the highest good for all concerned' but it is impossible to know what that looks like.
I have a new quote: 'do the work; detach from the outcome'. God bless your family.
My mum and I had a blowout, about a year after my sisters abuse came to light. I told her that the drugs had taken control, and that she should start backing out, not always giving my sister money and places to stay. My mother took out a 5000 dollar loan to pay off a drug debt for my sister because the dealer threatened my sisters life. My mother is 53, she works 2 full time jobs, she raises my sisters middle child, she lives in a dump. Her car barely runs, she is always in fear of having her lights or water turned off. She feeds them the best she can. And my neice, my sisters kid, is a replica of my sister.
She can't call and say sorry....in my letter I told her I thought we should stick to letters for awhile and I wouldn't be answering her phone calls. I actually hadn't answered one yet. She would call, and if I didn't answer she would leave angry messages. I told her in the letter that I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to be taking out her anger at her self inflicted hub in life, on me. It wasn't fair.