Hello DS friends.

Been a while since I have last posted here.

I'm back like having a relapse on my ex and my feelings about him.

I used to be in a relationship (engaged) with a (recovering-maybe) gambler.

We were together for 3 years. and at our 2nd found out he was addicted to gambling.

We worked on recovery together initially, until that one day he had a major mood swing, probably withdrawal,

when I decided I will not allow that kind of treatement. He was overtly pushing me away as if I am a hindarnce to him living his life.

We did not have formal closure. Contrary to what he claims in the church and public testimonials he have mae very recently. We did not have any closures. Two days ago, I saw a an online article in one religious org which he is an active member of, sharing his "war story, how he has found Christ and how his recovery contniues". But then, I remember the saying in CODA - "TRUST THOSE WHO ARE TRUSTWORTHY". his peers, his world now, maybe super impressed by his journey and story... but guess what, that story is not the full story, not entirely true and is one sided. It initally flattered me because he mentioned losing "the love of his life" because of his addiction... but sadly, i am not convinced. I see him still as a hypocrite, if he is truly recovering, he has not remorse nor retribution for past faults.

I know I sound embittered and I recognize it.

So today, I chanced upon one of his girl friends in the ministry he is part of. that girl is actually part of that group.. and my gut tells me that this is the girl he is being teased with... like they are being made a couple by their group now... that they are a good match..

it pains my heart... it makes me angry too... it brings out negative emotions... we are exes.. yes.. but last month, for a month, we reconneccted... he said he wanted to be friends with me. but then he tells me he has "malice" with me.. which he means he likes me still. he said he has to start somewhere and that is by being friends.. so i allowed it... i tried it for a month.. but then I could not deceive myself any longer, not talking about past issues... past hurts. One cannot just forget past like that, without proper conversation. Especially that we were exes, used to be engaged.

It's been almost 3 years now since we "separated"... where he journeyed on his own, and i too did. but then i still cried today because I know in my gut that he is seeing this girl i saw online.. he maybe in the flirting stage. and he might eventually kiss and romance her... if they have not yet already.. that makes me sooo sad and makes me feel a loss. The girl is showering her with affirmations in social media.. which I dont give, because I am after tough love - you have to be certain with your intentions with me, and I have to see it not only hear it - those were my words to my ex... if he wants to be friends I told him I cannot give it to him, I cannot pretend there's no malice... told him he can make friends with other girls but not me. he has to be clear.. then again, he did not pursue me anymore.

that was sep-oct.. and today i saw pictures of him and that girl being teased, going out.. and with his vulnerability it wont be long until he falls into this.. that makes me afraid and sad.

and i hope i will already lose these feelings I have for him and set a boundary even if one day he asks for a chance, I will no longer bend. I will forgive, but I will be wiser.

I find it hard to believe that it is the end for us... any advice, comments?