Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My 27 year old son is leaving rehab next Monday, April 13. He wants to go stay with my parents (100 miles away), help them in their business and make "amends" to them and my brother and family. My mother agrees and is willing to have him there for a few days and she is always full of useful (not pushy) advice. My brother (wife and 4 children) is an attorney and can also give him some useful advice (my son lived with them for a couple of years before high school graduation) and I think he may finally be open to "listening" to them. He knows where AA/DA meetings are there and plans to attend. He has dug himself a financial hell hole that I/we cannot/will not help him out of. He says he needs to stay busy and if he is willing my Mom will help him out in that department! He lost his drivers license due to an unpaid fine that he wants to take care of asap. His car has been repossessed. My husband (not his father) is outlining huge list of "rules" for when he comes back here. He wants to know who he owes and how much. He wants random drug testing (I don't need testing, I can look at his eyes!). He seems to think I can guide/run his life and keep him on the right path. He wants him to finish school (only a few credits, but he has now defaulted on his student loans). This list goes on and on and I cannot even wrap my head around all of it. We are seeing our "counselor" on Thursday and I hope to get some more clear guidance on what I should and should not do/demand. My son knows that as hard as it will be, I will not stand by and watch this opiate addiction downward spiral again. He will need to move on. Thanks for listening.
having boundaries and some expectations are good, but it sounds like everyone has quite long lists...and at the end of the day, that may not do anything positive.
I do not think school would be a good idea right now...maybe in the fall? first they get sober, then they learn how to live sober, then they learn how to live a balanced and healthy life. that alone takes a whole lot of energy.
He needs to work on cleaning up his messes first, and that will take a while. Sounds like you already know all about not enabling...so you are ahead of the game.
Will he have some input on these lists? he probably has a few of his own.
I personally have some control issues...so letting him do his own thing on his timeline....was very hard for me. I did do drug testing on my kid when he was in High school...I too, didn't need a test after a while. we just know.
Is there a 'transition' house/program that he can get into with the program he is in now? v.s. him going to a family members house? This may enable him more time to get used to sobriety living and keeping with the skills they teach to everyday life?
The most important things for your son will be: 1) Committing to using support services to stay clean, 2) Keeping busy and engaged in positive activities (work, recreation etc), and 3) Avoiding triggers, particularly addict friends from the past.
Hopefully your family can maintain a positive and encouraging attitude with your son and not be too stringent or overbearing. It sounds like he has a lot of genuine support. I wish you all the best.
He is definitely old enough to manage his life and he's got great support to guide him but he needs to take the proper action to get to where he wants to be in life.
If you have this laundry list of musts and he doesnt do them all it may cause unnecessary emotional upset for you. It's frustrating as a parent to know our children have so much to do to get their lives in order but it will take time and a commitment from him.
My sonis 1 year out of rehab and doing really well but only recently showing any interest in fixing his license. He also has old debt. We've offered to help himif he helps himself. Basically if he pays $100 towards his probation we will pay $100. Even if he makes a payment of $50 and we pay $50 for various bills, it would show "good faith" payments. He has yet to take us up on that.
However he's doing everything else right. Did the halfway house for 8 months, works, takes careof his health, goes to meetings, and pays his current living expenses (lives in a rental house with 3 health minded roommates).
Sorry for the ramble but I just thought I should share my conerns.
Praying for you,