Katrinka thank you for sharing this article, I also found so many more I want to read. Tomorrow we are expecting a storm and I plan on spending my day reading as much as I can. I need to educate myself more and this is going to be my beginning. Thanks again!!

Hugs,
Pat

Forgive my ranting, but...
I think our society is so intent on punishing those who "sin" (maybe it's our Puritan heritage) that many of us cannot separate the moral issues of using drugs from the serious illnesses it stems from and may result in. Addicts are looked down upon because they broke a basic rule: they lost all self-control, and that is something we don't forgive in this society. But that is precisely why they are addicts, because their brain wiring is different from that of non-addicts and they lack the ability to regulate/control their urges. Why is it that I can drink for any period of time and not feel compelled to drink the next day or the one after that or the next week? I'm 59 years old and I have been consuming alcohol since I was 18. In college I drank more than I should have on occasion, then in my 20's I drank probably more often than I did in college. But it never became a habit. I enjoyed drinking but I never "needed" to drink. Nowadays I can take it or leave it. I've undergone several surgical procedures and have been prescribed opiates for the pain, but after the worst of it wore off, I did not feel compelled to take every last pill. There is the difference between them and us. Addicts quickly develop a need to drink or use--to excess. True, if they had never drunk alcohol or tried drugs, they would have never become addicts. But so many of them became addicted early in their life, in the same way that the rest of us didn't. Many opiate addicts became so as a result of taking the loosely prescribed opiate pain medications that doctors in this country distribute like candy. However, we don't treat addicts like sick people. We treat them like defective human beings, and the treatment available to them is not comparable to what is available to those whose disease is physical rather than mental, even when the disease was brought on by their own behaviors. Do we reject and shame those who develop diabetes because of a lifetime of poor eating habits? Do we look down on and shame those who develop heart disease because of a sedentary life style? Do we even turn our back on and shame those who develop lung cancer because of a lifetime of smoking? The state of mental health care in this country is abysmal, and it shows in the lack of care available to addicts. Yet we are willing as a society to wait until they get desperate enough to go to extremes and break the law and then we satisfy our sense of social justice by sticking them in jails with little or no treatment for their condition. In this day and age, with the medical advances we have made in the last 30 years, what is shameful is that we as a society haven't put more effort into treating and eradicating addiction.

I had sympathy for too many years! Finally just ran out. That being said, I do LOVE my AH, but once my sympathy and patience were gone, I could see more clearly how hubby used those kindnesses to manipulate the situation. He is truly a " give an inch and he will take a mile" kind of guy. He says he needs to make the world go away, I say he just drops it in My lap, nope...no sympathy.

I remember this post and just added another comment to it. I feel empathy and sympathy can both be used here. I feel it is okay if we are able to have empathy for the addicts in our lives. When they are going through tough times (whatever it may be) if we are able to understand they are hurting that is one thing. Sympathy is quite another thing. If anyone has taking social work classes you will learn feeling sympathy for someone is like feeling sorry for that person. The last thing an addict needs is for all of us to feel sorry for them. We did not force them to start down the road they are going down, and I do not feel they wanted to become addicts either. What I do feel empathy and sympathy for however are those who become clean and sober and have a huge mess to clean up that was a reslult of their poor decisions. Just food for thought as to using sympathy and empathy in the proper context.

If you look in the dictionary it says, "sympathy" means compassion. A person can be compassionate and still not be an enabler. It has been shown the majority of addicts who do quit it is because the people in their lives do not look down on them. They are shown compassion and understanding and yet at the same time the other person knows how not to enable. It all in how you speak. A love one can say, ' I can see you are struggling today and I wanted to let you know I am here for you." or a person can say, " Why is today any different all you ever think about is where your next drink or hit is coming from!"
Unfortunately people who are codependent and who do not get help eventually loose compassion for almost anyone. Here are a few articles on the subject of codependency and lack of compassion.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-difference-between-compassion-and-codependence.htm#did-you-know
http://www.thehillscenter.com/family/codepenency-and-denial/

I didn't go through all the replies. My fiance just relapsed after 9 years of being clean. He knew what was at stake and he made a conscious decision to use again. So, no, I'm not sympathetic. I'm angry and broken hearted, but not sympathetic.

For the child that makes those bad mistake, that's a completely different story. They're children. They are going to make bad choices.

Jayzandra I know you must be heart broken and very mad right now. Nine years without using.......how disappointed he must be in himself. I hope he picks himself up and moves forward. This is a slip and does not have to be a full blown relapse. I think when we are so close to the situation we tend to not feel sympathetic when they just through away our future, hopes and dreams down the drain. Welcome to this group.

Thanks Katrinka. I have been a member of this group for some time. My parents were / are addicts since before I was born. I grew up around addicts. I've been friends with them and I've dated them. I myself could probably be considered an addict as it seems I'm addicted to trying to fix addicts. I have learned a lot in my 33 years years of dealing with them. I guess I'm just bitter because of all the failures.

Having grown up with an alcoholic brother who was very violent when he drank and then being married to an alcoholic/addict for over 20 years, I have mixed feelings. When my brother was abusive to my elderly parents only when he drank, and when my husband drove my children while under the influence, I have no sympathy at all for them choosing to take that drink or pill knowing how they react when they do. I sympathize for my parents and the pain they went thru for more than half their married life. I sympathize for my children for having to see their father fall down drunk and high on pills. My parents have passed on with the request we not tell my brother for fear he would come to the funeral drunk. He was given so many opportunities to get help, not only for his addiction but for his mental health. My husband finally stopped drinking, but not taking the pills. He justifies this by saying "at least I'm not drinking". He believes he is sober because he takes prescribed pills, including sleeping pills. I have not seen him high for over 6 months, but feel this is a dangerous road he is on. He knows he has issues that need to be addressed, but feels the professionals are crazier than he is. He goes to AA, receives chips fror them for his sobriety, but I can't convince him he does not deserve them. He hides his pills, including the sleeping pills, so I can't see how much he takes. I have tried to be sympathetic, tried to get him help, but it is his choice to refuse the help. I think it's a fine line between feeling sympathetic and feeling angry that they just don't stop. I hear so many people say it's a disease. Cancer is a disease, MS is a disease. But the people with these diseases are not hurting others physically like some addicts do because of the disease. My hope is that those who are affected by the addict get the help they need for themselves, put themselves and their children first.