Hi Marg. I'm not a member of this group but come here daily . Sadly, I Found this site and group after I lost my precious Daughter to the evils of addiction. You are correct,and NO ONE Would ever choose to be addicted. It's pure hell. Many year ago, I felt similar re: addicts of any kind. Age and wisdom has shown me differently. I had the sweetest /kindest Child and I believe today that by trying drugs at a young age , set her up for this insidious disease that ultimitately took her from me forever. I am completely broken without her. What I have learned ,,,sadly,after the fact is this : This disease must be treated like a cancer that is is and it is "everyone's disease" Family and friends must rally together to try to save our children /loved ones because living with an addict is hell but living without them is * heartbreaking pain every minute of everyday* so, "Love your addict and hate their disease"should be all of our mantra's. Good luck to you all . ~ Jan

While I agree with having sympathy in your situation, I do not have sympathy with my addict BF. He consciously chooses drugs to cover his emotions and he knows it. He continues to lie to avoid the confrontation then when he gets caught is when he has his pity party and swears he won't do it again. He may not smoke the OCs but instead, he moves on to Xanax or Somas. And, in his mind, he's clean because he's not smoking pills anymore. So, I believe sympathy is in the eye of the beholder and specific to each situation. I do believe that some addicts really don't know how to get help or to reach out but in my case, he purposely chooses to use drugs to cover his emotions (which in turn, causes another addiction to whatever the pill of the day is).

I do have symoathy for addicts because i don't beleive anyone sets out to be a drug addict. many times they did drugs to fill a void, to fit in, just to try it . no one thinks they will get addicted. I have sympaathy for many addicts...food addicts, work addicts, drug addicts. the 500 lb person didn't say one day i want to be a food addict but they are and they also suffer the consequences of their own actions....I am so sorry Januaryice that you lost your precious daughter to this. that is all of our worst fears. And so i believe, family is all we have left at the end and family has to fight to suppport their addicts in seeking recovery should they wish it. years ago when i didn't know as much as I do now...my son was kicked out of the house...no one in this family wanted him but as a mom, my heart was always thinking of him and so I would try to meet him once a week and have lunch with him, say a prayer for him...many tmes he was dirty...probably was doing drugs then already...maybe it's good I didn't know. like cardinal has said love the person - hate the addiction...so if we love the person, we will treat them as we would want to be treated if it were us fighting the addiciton/or unable to fight.

Hi Marg,I was once that wrote I believe sympathy was not a good choice of words. I think words sometimes take on a differnet meaning for everyone. The example is you shared is you feel bad and I couldn't agree with you more. I feel horrible that this has happened to my son, yours and everyone here, and I hate addiction, and what it does to the addict and their families. But feeling bad and sympathy are two separate things. I believe, and this is my personal feeling is that sympathy is paralyzing, it doesn't help our children on their journey to recovery. My sister in law was just diagnosed with Uterian cancer, and I was heartbroken, and feel terrible that this is happening to her, but I can't say I'm sympathetic, because she needs me to be strong, and proactive and help her in her battle. I hope I am making sense. My point is I don't want the whole world to look down on them that is why my mission is to educate who I can on addiction. love you Marg.

Empathy, sympathy, understanding, perceiving the other person's reality.. They are all a journey. We all know in this group that just like the addict is going through phases, so do we.

When I used to witness my parents' health deteriorating because of someone else's actions, I had absolutely no sympathy for my brother. When I knew that his newborn was going through withdrawal, I had no sympathy for him. And when I was broken down because of one more lie, I had no sympahty for him.

Did he plan his life to be like this? No. But he made a choice and he knew that heroin is addictive. He chose to numb himself instead of confronting his issues, which up to date, I have no idea what they are.

I feel pain for the addict. For the young people I see in the streets asking for money, shooting in front of everyone. I had to face them every day when going to work. Pain was all I felt. Sympathy, no. I have no sympathy for the devil, even if he resides in the body of a loved one.

Addicts make their own choices yes but the bottom line is that their on-going use is a disease so the word "mercy" comes to my mind.

"How blessed are those who are merciful, because it is they who will receive mercy!" Matthew 5:7

even among ourselves there are so many mixed emotions and we understand addiction much more then the outside world.. again the thing that comes to mind for me is treat others as you would like to be treated.....and love others as you love yourself. hate the addiction but never hate the person. it could have been me, it could have been you. it happens to the best of us, it happens to the worst of us. I personally, having been affected so personally by this want to help any addict I can....and showing you care, is a first step

My husband is the addict in my household.

I think we can all agree that nobody wakes up and says "Damn, I'm going to start to use and become a drug addict". However, nobody thinks the first time they use it's going to turn into addiction. Everyone makes a CHOICE that first time they pick up and use. And every time thereafter. There comes a point where they are no longer choosing, the addiction has taken over.

But I have a very hard time believing that in my case, for my husband, that he didn't have a choice. Because he did. He chose to use and continue to use and then he was no longer choosing...the addiction chose for him.

With that said, I have sympathy for addicts. But I don't feel bad for them. Everyone can get out of this mess if they want help but if they don't want the help, then that's their choice.

I also think generally speaking, we're all right. There is no wrong answer.

Each of us has been put through the ringer. Emotionally, financially, mentally...it's draining to be having an addict in your life. Addiction is complicated yet it's also so very simple.

Regardless, I wish my husband never made the choice to try out that first pill. One turns to two, two turns to five....

I'm grateful for this site. I'm grateful for NA which has helped guide my husband. And for the Nar-Anon program which has helped guide me.

In some ways it is a misconception that addicts choose to use or not choose to use drugs or drink. For some they inherited the genetics to become addicts. If you think about that when your small baby was born it was already in their genetics that they would struggle not to use drugs. That is sad, we give birth to our babies, we want the best for them and unknowingly give them the genes to be an addict. For 10% of addicts I do not think it is as simple as making a choice. The addicted brain is screaming for the drugs almost every waking moment. Once they are not using drugs or drinking for several months the brain can quiet down, but the brains need to use is just a little trigger away. If they can remain clean long enough and this is several months the brain will quiet down enough for them to then make the choice to use or not. Then their is the children who grew up in unhealthy homes they also have a high rate of addiction. I found this a few days ago it was interesting how your childhood plays into addiction later in life. http://chucklestravels.com/2012/11/29/christians-your-childrens-adverse-childhood-experiences-ace-scores-are-way-too-high/
I also know some people are more sensitive then others and find it very easy to turn their back on love one. It has also been shown that people who are codependent tend to be less caring. I guess if you've been treated horrible by a spouse or love one you begin to not feel anymore.
For me personally I do feel sorry for many addicts especially the young ones or the ones who are homeless. That just makes me sad to see these people who have obvious mental problems and they try to self medicate, yet fall through the cracks and are left living on the streets. I know for a fact my ex did not choose to be an addict, I watch him struggle not to use yet his addicted brain kept calling him back to drugs and eventually he just got tired of fighting the battle that was ragging inside of him. For me it was my choice to stay or leave and eventually I had to let him go to save myself, but that was my choice. My first husband did not care and died from drinking and in his whole 45 yrs of drinking he only once tried to stop and that was not of his own doing. He did not want to stop and even for him I feel compassion for what his life could of been and he was mean as heck to me.

just went with a friend to her cousin"s house,, she fell and broke her leg, she is in rehab,,, went into her home,,, omg,,,, horder,, dirty,,, had to put on a mask,, I look aroud and was appalled,, my next thought symphathy,, how sad, someone could get so far into a hole, and not get out.... and reach for help...and it made me think of the addicit,,,, How did they allow themselves do get in such a hole,,,, that they turned to stealing, lying,, hurting the ones around them that met the most to them,,,and realized how sad their addicition to drugs caused this,,,,and for some never reach out for help,,,,, Has a parent of an addicit, who has given my entire soul to begging, wanting, and continuolsy hoping she breaks free of the bondage of the devil that hold her hostage, most deffintely I'm sad, her intergetity, sanity, morals that disease took from her,,,, but she does have a free will, to break away.. after numerous attempt,jail time, when does the addicit need to be held accountable for their actions,,,, In my personnal situation,,,, omgish,,, I have so much sympthaty for my daughter,,, her losses, her disappointments, her struggles,,, every single moment I feel so sad for my daughter, my God I pray every day,, someone gives her a break,, for her felonies,, her lies,, and her manipulations,, by no means do I think she should be condemend for the rest of her life.......I stand waiting at that finish line,,,, with a torch fighting proud of this ugly disease,,,,
but do i thing she should be held accountable of the lies, stealing, hurting, manipulations, absoultly,,,
I 110% have sympathy for my daughter,,,, for the action from the addict,,, there is a point when they have a choice,,,,,

so the deffintle term love the person{which I sympathize to the max} ,, and Hate the addicit[ which I"m their voice,, and will fight till my dying breath,,, but will not allow to consume me),,,

I stand proud,,,, I am a mother,, that happens to have a daugher, that is a herion addicit

am I sad for her absouldtly!!! to i stand by her sobriety 110%,,

Although I do feel sorry for my addicted sibling and others who are in the clutches of addictions, I also understand the fury that family members and friends feel, because I'm one of you, about being used and lied to over and over, not only by the addict, but by the enablers who know they're drinking or using. I understand the helpless feeling of watching someone you love carry out self-destruction in front of your eyes. Some addicts are among the most charming people on the face of the earth, the life of the party, and experts at placing others under emotional obligation. I understand the feelings of betrayal that come from being lied about and blamed and held responsible for the addicts misbehavior.

I can understand why there is a limit to sympathy.

keep thin king of this post,,,,,

i think of the addict that works so hard to become clean,, working the program,, doing everything necessarry to make changes,, and sobriety,,, or sorround envrioment cruchses them,,, the thought makes me so made,,,, you want to shout to the world,,, this is a diseaee,,, do you understand,,, educated,, give them a break,,, do you think they choose this life...

i thinlk of the child of the addict,,, that sits by innocently awaitly their parents return,, the broken promises,,,waiting for them to show up at their 6th birthday parties,, living in a loving,carring, secure envrioment, but not conventionalbe because the disease their parents have took that away from them,,,, wanting their mom to tuck them in at night, but grateful they someone that truley loves them. and not someone that just gets paid,,,,,, their told just be patient, pehaps soon, your mom will be free of the hondage that hold her hostage, that keeps her away form you,,,,,, oh of couse your mother never wanted this addicition,, and perhaphs one day, she will break free,,, and realize my sweet angel that your love for your mom,,, is more important then the beat of the fix from high of the addict,,, whom shatll I sympathize with,,,

love ya

This is a very good article on how the brain works and how at first a person has a choice, but as time goes by the person can no make a simple choice and the compulsion takes over.
http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/addiction_hijacks_brain.htm

Hi Marge, I am emotional (life changes? getting older? lol) and I am crying after reading your post. I understand how you feel. Especially it being your son. I met an addict last Thanksgiving. (did not know at the time) and I feel for him also. It's not easy to let go. From what I am gathering, they say that an addict will not look to get clean unless they themselves are brought down so low and no one to enable them, then they MIGHT seek help. My mind is a blur because I am seeing so many faces of this man and all he wants to do is get high (he is 57) It is basically ripping my heart out and he really is a high risk for "risky" behavior that I get nervous just going to see him at his house.
All I can say is that this whole business sucks!!!!!!!!

as a mom with an addicted son I have tremendous sympathy that he felt the need for whatever his reason to start doing drugs I the first place. I also feel sympathy for all those afflicted with addiction for basically one reason they hate themselves. their are a million different reasons why it ever started to begin with for all of them but the sad part is they did it to themselves .they sold themselves short by going down this path and sadly many of them will never reach their full potential because of the addiction. Yes they have a choice to continut to use or not but at that point we all know the brain has been affected and they don't always think right