Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi everyone,
This is a question mostly for those who are or have been in a relationship with an addict.
I feel like I've made considerable progress with forgiving my addict ex boyfriend, for my sake rather than his. His behavior in active addiction has been extremely unacceptable and from time to time I wonder if a relationship is worth pursuing should he decide to get sober. Because, of course, he is wonderful when he's sober. We're very compatible, and very happy when he's not actively an addict. And he did express a real desire to stay sober once upon a time. I've also seen enough evidence of self hate lately to believe that he doesn't want to be an addict or continue to lead the life he is living right now. I think he slipped up and it snowballed into a full blown relapse and he is having trouble seeing that there is a way out right now. But, as I understand it, heroin addicts have a difficult time getting and staying sober long term. His addiction has now been going on for almost 15 years- although I'm not sure how long ago he started with heroin. He started with prescription pills at first.
I've met other women in similar shoes in Alanon meetings who stay by their qualifier's side for years and years and I'm having trouble understanding why we don't feel as compelled to hold addicts accountable for their decisions? Why we feel like the disease of addiction excuses their behavior? For example, if I was dealing with a non-addict there isn't any way I'd even remotely consider forgiving, trying to understand him or taking him back. Not after all the lies and deceit. Even though we are expecting our first child together. But because it's a disease my feelings aren't quite as black and white.
Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified of having to relieve the last few months of my life again. His relapse was scary and emotionally exhausting. Should I decide to give him another opportunity, it will absolutely be his last. But I'm trying to decide if my desire to give him another chance is a rational response to an unfortunate situation or just a codependent impulsive reaction which landed me in this problem in the first place.
What are your thoughts on your own personal situation?
This is a question mostly for those who are or have been in a relationship with an addict.
I feel like I've made considerable progress with forgiving my addict ex boyfriend, for my sake rather than his. His behavior in active addiction has been extremely unacceptable and from time to time I wonder if a relationship is worth pursuing should he decide to get sober. Because, of course, he is wonderful when he's sober. We're very compatible, and very happy when he's not actively an addict. And he did express a real desire to stay sober once upon a time. I've also seen enough evidence of self hate lately to believe that he doesn't want to be an addict or continue to lead the life he is living right now. I think he slipped up and it snowballed into a full blown relapse and he is having trouble seeing that there is a way out right now. But, as I understand it, heroin addicts have a difficult time getting and staying sober long term. His addiction has now been going on for almost 15 years- although I'm not sure how long ago he started with heroin. He started with prescription pills at first.
I've met other women in similar shoes in Alanon meetings who stay by their qualifier's side for years and years and I'm having trouble understanding why we don't feel as compelled to hold addicts accountable for their decisions? Why we feel like the disease of addiction excuses their behavior? For example, if I was dealing with a non-addict there isn't any way I'd even remotely consider forgiving, trying to understand him or taking him back. Not after all the lies and deceit. Even though we are expecting our first child together. But because it's a disease my feelings aren't quite as black and white.
Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified of having to relieve the last few months of my life again. His relapse was scary and emotionally exhausting. Should I decide to give him another opportunity, it will absolutely be his last. But I'm trying to decide if my desire to give him another chance is a rational response to an unfortunate situation or just a codependent impulsive reaction which landed me in this problem in the first place.
What are your thoughts on your own personal situation?
I also KNOW that I WOULD be giving him another chance...cause of the baby...cause of my feelings for feeling bad for him because he is "sick". And because I would take him back is another reason I know it is WRONG for you because I do NOT make good decisions when it comes to these types of things...not even with my own child.
I know if you take him back and he is active it will not only start affecting YOU AGAIN in negative ways...but then you will have a small child being impacted in ways we don't even fully understand until it begins to happen. And THEN your not only ripping yourself away with all the emotion and pain...but you'd have to RIP your small child away and the emotion and pain they feel is deeper and causes plenty of damage.
I am in a relationship with someone who is addicted. And your right...I wouldn't put up with this shit from a person who was not addicted. Mine is not so much the lies as what the addiction has stolen from our relationship.
I deserve to have someone who is "present" and cares about my needs and feelings.
Small maybe seemingly silly example to some but to me this is the type of thing that hurts and impacts me:
Last night he was doing his usual thing.....and I threw out a test to show him that he is NOT putting any of my needs first and that it is ALL about what he is doing.....So, he's doing his thing it was about 9:30 at night and I said....."I want a piece of cheesecake". We had run around all day for his Moms appt...and HIS court date and I had done some preparation for his court date...while he stayed home in the morning and rested.
He said - Ok lets go get cheesecake...I said No..I'm tired...I want you to go get it for me (I knew he couldn't because he was under the influence).
So, I was just burnt out...I was asking myself...WHY? Why can't I have a normal husband that says...yea honey, I know your tired...the cheese cake place is right up the street I will of course go get you a piece what kind? YEA RIGHT.
That is only a small snapshot of how I feel my needs or wants are not even thought about at this time. And when we first met he was clean...and so was I...I hadn't drank in 8 years....and our relationship was the best.
But, we can't hold on to what WAS. You got away....I suggest you stay away...until he is well.
Hmmm...I'm not sure....I keep thinking he will get better, he keeps saying he will. I'm in my 50's and I'm not wanting to start over with anyone. I think if we did split up I would remain single. But, I stay for the "hope".
But, I know myself....I have been thru other bad relationships and I can only take so much (but I can take a lot)...I took 22 years of abuse from one guy...if this lifestyle continues I will SNAP and we will not be a couple.
I guess, keeping that in mind, I think that I would like to give him another opportunity if he were to get sober so that one day, I could at least tell my son I tried to make it work, even if it doesn't work in the long run. Which I'm painfully aware is by far the most likely scenario. I've seen the look on his face when he talks about heroin. It doesn't seem possible to compete with a drug that has a hold like that- even if it does give him more pain then pleasure. But I absolutely can't live with him or love him while he's active. I don't know if that makes me selfish but I don't like the person he's turned into one bit, even if it is a sickness.
Kind of ironic that in marriages described here, many choose to stay because of the kids. I stayed in contact with my brother to retain a sense of family too. And certainly have been on the receiving end of a Hell of a lot of childish behavior. Not proud to say that my buttons have been pushed -- brother and sister know where those spots are.
Several days ago he texted me something so abusive that it was the last straw for me.
Part of me feels awful about it, like I'd be more of a "success story" eldest sibling, were I able to maintain contact and hold true to promising my late Mom I'd take care of him. But I know she wouldn't want me to risk my own well-being.
Internally I have to let go of the emotional struggle -- I'm still sort of shadow - boxing, a subconscious undercurrent. But there's nothing I can find to say to make him see the light -- it's my representing a sense of responsibility and truth that threatens and enrages him. I don't say that to be self-righteous -- it's more like being in a bizarre inflated version of THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES. Staying in an amicable relationship with him means no resistance to the lies. It's a no-win and I'm very sad.
It does take getting to the point of being completely burnt out....you just reached it before the rest of us...I know that is what it took for me in my 22 year relationship...I got to a point which was beyond dying inside like I had been for years.......and I just COULDNT go on one more day..
In my view...Its like the text being the last straw for you. Everyones last straw is different. Some of us have not gotten there yet and good for you that you did get away...your life will be e peaceful.