Sounds like he is being very manipulative. You sound like you have done a great job of moving on and mostly feel good about being apart. I'm sure you will always love him, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice happiness for him. Look at your pos and pretend it is from someone else, and I think you will see your answer. Best of luck.... stay strong.

OH and another thing, if he REALLY wanted to get clean he would do it with or without you, not contingent upon you staying with him.

Thank you, I know rationally that if I was reading this from another woman I would know exactly what to do, how to respond. When it's someone you love, it so much more complicated. I know he's being manipulative, unfair, and that he should be willing to go regardless. I guess I'm just wondering if I should go with this if it's the only way he'll go. I want him to get into a program so badly. Is it too much of a sacrifice? Is it wrong to do it for his recovery?

......"Being away from him is sad and it hurts, but it's mostly a relief. It feels so good to go home and feel safe, and it feels so good not getting yelled at all the time".......
These are your words. If it's a relief then maybe you have your answer. But only you can decide when you are ready to leave... or stay. Best of luck.

Hi Anne, Get a piece of paper. Make 2 columns, PROS and CONS. Then write down in the appropriate column which is which. I think it will make your decision. I would tell him Yes, you will wait for him, (sounds like he thinks you are a hoe) Whatever it takes to get him clean and sober, do it. If you say you won't wait, then you'll be the reason he didn't achieve hi sobriety. You don't want that. If he fails, then let him make up his own excuse! You really don't owe him anything, If the "feeling"" isn't there, then its just not there. Don't let him guilt trip you. YOU deserve to be happy ! Good Luck, Deb

No, he knows that he's one of the only people I've been with, and I've never been the girl who goes out just to get laid. I think he's trying to control me as much as he can. I recognize that this is all about control and maniuplation. I know that he treated me badly, a lot, and that I deserve to be treated so much better. The issue really isn't that. Being away from him has become less of a rational insistance--my heart is starting to get there as well. I wish I was interested in someone else, but I know that is a long way off because I still have so much healing to do. I was never the type of person to get caught up in an abusive relationship, but now I understand what can happen when you're in love. I still care about him and I love him; I want him to get better and to get clean. I'm just wondering if I'm giving him false hope. I doubt I would date anyone that soon regardless. But the point is he wants to control it; I don't know if I'll look at him when he gets back and see the man I fell in love with or the man who broke my heart over and over. I used to always see the man I fell in love with, now all I see is the man who hurt me. If he really isn't willing to go to rehab without this is he going to relaspe when he gets home if I'm not ready to get back in a relationship with him? Part of me wants to want to be with him again; it feels so strange that I don't after everything I used to feel, but I don't know that the love and trust will ever come back.

Hi. I felt like I had to say something to you because I have very recently been exactly where you are at -I will start from there (hope I make sense!). Just over 3 months ago I told me partner he had to go, and that I did not want to see him unless he was clean, and actively getting help for his addiction. I felt like it was the end for me -so much pain and hurt, I had had enough. After being a part for a while and after talking to a few different people that have known him longer than I did so many of the bad and crazy stuff fell into place until it was at a point where i felt like not only did i not trust him, but i felt like i had been living with and loving a stranger. I felt disgusted, angry, bitter, sad... all sorts. But I still cared deeply about him. I ended up organising an appointment for him at a residental rehab programme (only because he phoned me and lied to me saying he was clean and he had been in to see someone at this place -I just knew he was lying but knew i could not phone and ask if he had been in due to confidentiality, so i phoned and said i was a partner that wanted to refer him, and that i could get his counciller to refer him as well...). Once i had made the appointment and let him know about it (at the same time letting him know that i knew he was lying to me yet again), i told him it was up to him, and that i would ONLY support him IF he was on the road to recovery basically. He said he would only do it IF i was going to be there for him, and that it was only for me that he would. Well, I just kept on saying the same thing to him over and over -I will be there for you as long as you are actively doing something about your addiction, and that i couldnt guarantee anything because i had to learn to trust him all over again. at the time i had no idea at all whether we would ever be together again, but i let him believe there was hope. I dont know whether this was 'right or wrong' -I dont think there is a right or wrong. to bring you up to date, he is near the end of a 10 week residential program, he stopped using 1 week before he went in, is there now because HE WANTS to be there (though acknowledges he never would have gone if it were not for me). So many of the awful behaviours are improving, and he is slowly but surely making progress. I am now seeing again the beautiful partner and father that he is. It is still early days for us, but i have hope for the first time in a long time. I dont know how you want to take what I am saying to you -this is just my experience. I personally dont see that there is any harm in letting him believe there is a future for you both together -so long as you keep looking after you and are safe. Just dont be manipulated. All the best to you :-)