Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi,
My husband is an addict. I guess it is the same story as everyone else, with different details. He has been an addict since 2004. He went into intensive outpatient rehab in 2006 and this is where I made my first big mistake. He moved out of the house for approximately a month and I should have had him stay out of the house. While he was away, I discovered, I was pregnant with our 2nd child. In my naivety, I assumed this pregnancy will be the force he needs to stay clean. I believe he was clean for maybe a year. It started off slow with Tramadol (doctor prescribed). I guess this was in 2009, I remember fighting with him that I didn't think he should be taking any kind of pain pills, as he was an addict. Years went by and he seemed to be maintaining Tramadol and Lyrica. In 2013, is where I really noticed the behavior change. I just brushed it off. In Spring of 2013, is where I started to feel that I was in hurricane and so busy picking up the pieces and raising two kids, that it really never dawned on me, that this wasn't me. I could go into the nitty gritty details, but it is hard for me to face, that all this was right in front of me and I didn't see it. I am angry that I chose to live this way. In December 2014, my husband tells me he lost all of our savings in the "stock market". But yet, can't tell me what brokerage house he used or what stocks he buys. With this, coupled with the disappearing every weekend, every night, staying in the bathroom hours upon hours, something starts to click in me and I start to do due diligence. It took me till March 2015 to pull all the "evidence" together. He has maxed out his 5 credit cards, cashed out his IRA, taking a loan from his 401k, has his own checking account with a separate bank than what we use. Don't even get me started on our tax situation, which is still not handled. I got his brother and cousin on board and we confronted my husband and took him to see a doctor that only works with Executives that specializes in addiction. My husband is currently taking Suboxone, goes to group therapy once a week and has individual therapy a couple of times a week. He was using his favorite - Oxycodone. He was also taking Opana. I am surprised he didn't OD with the amounts he was using. In some ways, it would have been easier if he did OD. I have done everything I could to get him the help and now, it is up to him. I am going to see a therapist next week for myself. But, in the meantime, I am sad, angry, depressed and I can barely look at him much less talk to him. He doesn't know how much I know and keeps telling me it was a minor relapse and he just needed the extra help (suboxone). He hasn't come clean with me on our financial situation. He doesn't realize that for the last four months, I spent every night up, listening to him crush up pills and snort them and staying awake to make sure he didn't OD. I had a plan in place, in case he did OD, to get the kids to my neighbor's house and then call 911. That the kids were out of the house more than there were here, to minimize interaction and so they didn't have to witness the nodding off, mood swings, quick to anger, etc....I am in limbo....I have no idea how to move forward.
My husband is an addict. I guess it is the same story as everyone else, with different details. He has been an addict since 2004. He went into intensive outpatient rehab in 2006 and this is where I made my first big mistake. He moved out of the house for approximately a month and I should have had him stay out of the house. While he was away, I discovered, I was pregnant with our 2nd child. In my naivety, I assumed this pregnancy will be the force he needs to stay clean. I believe he was clean for maybe a year. It started off slow with Tramadol (doctor prescribed). I guess this was in 2009, I remember fighting with him that I didn't think he should be taking any kind of pain pills, as he was an addict. Years went by and he seemed to be maintaining Tramadol and Lyrica. In 2013, is where I really noticed the behavior change. I just brushed it off. In Spring of 2013, is where I started to feel that I was in hurricane and so busy picking up the pieces and raising two kids, that it really never dawned on me, that this wasn't me. I could go into the nitty gritty details, but it is hard for me to face, that all this was right in front of me and I didn't see it. I am angry that I chose to live this way. In December 2014, my husband tells me he lost all of our savings in the "stock market". But yet, can't tell me what brokerage house he used or what stocks he buys. With this, coupled with the disappearing every weekend, every night, staying in the bathroom hours upon hours, something starts to click in me and I start to do due diligence. It took me till March 2015 to pull all the "evidence" together. He has maxed out his 5 credit cards, cashed out his IRA, taking a loan from his 401k, has his own checking account with a separate bank than what we use. Don't even get me started on our tax situation, which is still not handled. I got his brother and cousin on board and we confronted my husband and took him to see a doctor that only works with Executives that specializes in addiction. My husband is currently taking Suboxone, goes to group therapy once a week and has individual therapy a couple of times a week. He was using his favorite - Oxycodone. He was also taking Opana. I am surprised he didn't OD with the amounts he was using. In some ways, it would have been easier if he did OD. I have done everything I could to get him the help and now, it is up to him. I am going to see a therapist next week for myself. But, in the meantime, I am sad, angry, depressed and I can barely look at him much less talk to him. He doesn't know how much I know and keeps telling me it was a minor relapse and he just needed the extra help (suboxone). He hasn't come clean with me on our financial situation. He doesn't realize that for the last four months, I spent every night up, listening to him crush up pills and snort them and staying awake to make sure he didn't OD. I had a plan in place, in case he did OD, to get the kids to my neighbor's house and then call 911. That the kids were out of the house more than there were here, to minimize interaction and so they didn't have to witness the nodding off, mood swings, quick to anger, etc....I am in limbo....I have no idea how to move forward.
HUGS to you...
Your husband is not being truthful. This is not a minor relapse. It takes time to build up a tolerance to a high level of drugs. With the amount he was taking, he has been doing this for awhile. Of course, all of the financial issues point to a major relapse, not something minor. It has also been going on for 11 years. He has a very serious problem and may be better off in long-term in-patient rehab. I don't think he's ready for that.
Meanwhile, you need to protect yourself and your children.
The financial issue is major. You should talk to an attorney about how to protect yourself financially before he bankrupts you. This could mean a legal separation or divorce.
He also should not be around the kids and that is something else to discuss with an attorney. He should not be driving them anywhere. Opiate addicts can nod off at any time. Also, it's possible that he will be leaving pills laying around. If I'm doing the math right, your kids are at the age where drugs will become a temptation. They will also have a genetic pre-disposition to addiction. They really should not be around someone who is actively using drugs in their home.
The mood swings and quickness to anger are common with addiction and can lead to physical violence. Be very careful. Have a place to go if he becomes violent. Don't assume that if he hasn't been violent before, he won't be in the future.
My recommendations on moving forward are to contact an attorney and also to get help for yourself, such as a therapist or Al-Anon. Keep coming back to this site. I have learned so much from the people on this site.
I agree, this was not a minor but a very major relapse that has almost bankrupt us. The amazing thing is, he was able to hold down a very high-level job. I believe we addressed the issue before his job started spiraling out of control as well.
My kids are 7 and 11. The 7 year old has been in therapy for 8 months now for his ADHD. When I told the therapist about my husband, she exclaimed "that is the missing piece". My 11 year old, is truly blissfully unaware. There are no more pills in the house and I have searched high and low and do it daily.
He would never go to an inpatient program. He is an Executive and would be petrified of losing his job.
I have met with an Divorce attorney and gotten some good legal advice. I have taken his name off of all joint accounts and started my own checking account. Unfortunately, the credit card debt is in both of our names.
I am seeing a therapist next week for my first appointment!