Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, hopefully this board can give me some advice and strength.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict... his life is falling apart in front of him, his family has pretty much turned their backs on him and his job is in hot water. He tells me constantly I'm all he has and the only thing keeping him alive. He was a full-blown addict, went to rehab but his insurance wouldn't cover it so he only stayed 4 days. When he came out, he had such a good outlook and was so hopeful and proud, it made me so happy for him. Since then he's tried to come clean to his family in order for them to all move on, his mother (an alcoholic, in denial about her problem), found out he had taken some money from her. He claims it was a long time ago, I don't know for sure, but she kicked him out. The only person who would take him in was his dope-fiend "friend" of course, and long story short the stress of losing his family when he thought things would get better and realizing the severity of all his other problems caused him to relapse. He hid it from me for a while, finally I noticed money missing from my purse, he came clean and decided enough was enough. He has tapered down his use (using suboxone when he can, "only using enough dope to not get sick") just so he can function normally and go to work. He has an appointment with a suboxone doctor in 2 weeks and will be starting court-ordered counseling and meetings due to a DWI he got last year.
I need advice in how to support him. He tells me when he uses suboxone or dope, how he's feeling, etc, but it still breaks my heart. Most people I know say to just leave him, he's a loser, etc, but every website I read says not to do that, he will probably kill himself. I cry constantly and I'm losing my strength to put up with this. The only thing that keeps me going is that i knew him before the addiction and I know what he can be and he is a really good caring person without this disease. I struggle to find the words to say to him to convince him to quit this once and for all. i know he's trying but not hard enough, but it doesn't help living with a guy who wakes up every day and his only goal is to go get a bundle and of course, drags my bf out with him.
any help, advice, etc is appreciated. I have nowhere to turn.
I'm new here, hopefully this board can give me some advice and strength.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict... his life is falling apart in front of him, his family has pretty much turned their backs on him and his job is in hot water. He tells me constantly I'm all he has and the only thing keeping him alive. He was a full-blown addict, went to rehab but his insurance wouldn't cover it so he only stayed 4 days. When he came out, he had such a good outlook and was so hopeful and proud, it made me so happy for him. Since then he's tried to come clean to his family in order for them to all move on, his mother (an alcoholic, in denial about her problem), found out he had taken some money from her. He claims it was a long time ago, I don't know for sure, but she kicked him out. The only person who would take him in was his dope-fiend "friend" of course, and long story short the stress of losing his family when he thought things would get better and realizing the severity of all his other problems caused him to relapse. He hid it from me for a while, finally I noticed money missing from my purse, he came clean and decided enough was enough. He has tapered down his use (using suboxone when he can, "only using enough dope to not get sick") just so he can function normally and go to work. He has an appointment with a suboxone doctor in 2 weeks and will be starting court-ordered counseling and meetings due to a DWI he got last year.
I need advice in how to support him. He tells me when he uses suboxone or dope, how he's feeling, etc, but it still breaks my heart. Most people I know say to just leave him, he's a loser, etc, but every website I read says not to do that, he will probably kill himself. I cry constantly and I'm losing my strength to put up with this. The only thing that keeps me going is that i knew him before the addiction and I know what he can be and he is a really good caring person without this disease. I struggle to find the words to say to him to convince him to quit this once and for all. i know he's trying but not hard enough, but it doesn't help living with a guy who wakes up every day and his only goal is to go get a bundle and of course, drags my bf out with him.
any help, advice, etc is appreciated. I have nowhere to turn.
You have a lot of pressure on you with him saying you are the only thing that keeps him alive. I hear the same thing and it's tough because again - someone who is only attempting recovery because of someone else isn't very committed to recovery. He's got to get to a place where he does it for himself.
There are places he could stay other than with his friend. Rehab is expensive, but there are local half-way, 3/4 way, and rehab-like places near me that take people in for free or nearly free but require that they arrive drug free. It might be worth looking for one of those. The one my person went to began like a rehab where they couldn't leave, had lots of counselling and attended AA meetings and gave them more freedom the longer they were there, eventually allowing them to get jobs as long as they only went there and back. They could earn weekends away. I'm just saying there are options. Living with someone who supplies drugs or uses them will make it nearly impossible for him to get better.
He is manipulating you by saying you are all he has...while it may be true....you need to let him take responsibility for himself. I am not saying you should leave him, that is something only you can decide. But...you need to set boundaries (I have no idea what they should be, etc)....get yourself some help (Naranon, counseling, whatever). You have to learn to detach.
My heart goes out to you...its a long painful road...and while they chose to start using, we chose to stick it out.
There is tons of support here though! (((HUGS))))
He is manipulating you, I agree with laurap. He might not doing consciously, but then again addicts are excuse factories.
My suggestion is to think long and hard about how his addiction is affecting YOU. Then seek support for YOU.
In the mean time, confronting him is useless. Arguing is also useless.
Opiate addiction is one of the hardest to overcome. I still have trouble with the saying "once an addict, always an addict", but I can see the logic behind it.
My therapist asked me one day if I consider myself to be superhuman trying to 'convince" my brother to ask for help. Her question hit a nerve so badly I spent the night crying.
As long as he is using, he is blind, deaf and emotionless.
Educate your self about opiates...
I'm trying to take the advice I've found on here about detaching the addict from the addiction. "don't hate the player, hate the game" is the phrase that keeps coming to mind. I made a list of all the qualities I love about my boyfriend, the person he really is, then I listed all the negative effects the addiction has had (anger, impatience). That helped me to not have so much anger toward him.
We had plans to hang out today, however he used this morning. He claims it was "only one bag so he wouldn't get sick" and because he couldn't get any suboxone. When he called h was all slurry and angry sounding, he thinks I can't tell when he's used and "maybe I'm slurring because I'm tired" (is this just them thinking they're really good at hiding it?) A while ago I told him I wouldn't hang out with him on days that he used, he could have drugs or me but not both. However it had always come down to him needing a ride home from work or something that prevented me from following through. So today, (after reading this site!) I said no. He said "this is the last time I'm using, can't you bend the rules?" I said no. He tried to guilt trip me by saying he's going to his friends cabin until Saturday so this is the last time we'd see each other, I said call me before you leave and I'll see you Saturday. He got mad and "doesn't get why I'm acting like this and being so stubborn, it's not like he's high".
I felt better after doing this, even though he hasn't talked to me since... Did I do the right thing????
Which he is probably not.
One of the traps of addiction is that we believe deep in our heart that we can fix the addict.
The sad truth is that unless our addict seeks out help, no matter what we do, we can't help him in the true sense of recovery.
You can't change him, but you can train him to know boundaries and to respect you. I hope he does get sober. He seems to have all the excuses and manipulations of an experienced user. (user of drugs and people)
Good for you. You do not have to be miserable, or at his beck and call. I hope he gets better. You are already starting to.
HUGS! Fill your day with something positve for YOU!
C~
I think for some they have to use Suboxone and that is the only way they can get through the day. No different the the person who drinks the number one drug every morning, caffeine. Take that away and they have headaches, moodiness, can't get going. Same with cigarettes, we all know you do not want to be around someone trying to quit smoking.
This is the fact, if he doesn't go to the Suboxone doctor he will stands less a chance of quitting right now. If he does go it will help his brain quiet down some so he stands a chance of quitting. It is all up to the person and right now we have very little to offer people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. You would tell a diabetic to suck it up and just don't eat sugar. Or a cancer patient you don't need the treatment. They are working on other drugs to help the addictive brain but that's not available right now.