Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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My Sister is neglecting her kids....

mamawx4
mamawx4
She stays away from them for weeks at a time,doesn't call to even check on them.She just leaves them with my mom because she knows that mom will take good care of them and she wont have to.even when we finally get in touch with her and tell her that the girls need her or are sick,she makes up excuses that she can't come home to them.She came home on Sunday because she knew that Mom and Dad got their checks on the 3rd,but as soon as she found out that they weren't giving her any money she took off again to the little motel room,in the next county over,she is sharing with her drug friends.On Friday night she told Mom & DAD to come get her and she would come home,she wanted to go to rehab,then she called me begging for pain meds,said she was hurting real bad.I told her I was not going to give her my medication and that I had some ibuprofren I would give her.She got mad and hung up on me.When my parents got there to pick her up,she started making excuses why she should stay there.My dad took off with her any way[she was in the back seat with the door still open]and got several miles down the road when she started beating on the windows and car begging them to just let her out and her friend would come get her.So finally Dad pulled over and waited for her friend to come get her.He at least told her how disappointed he was in her,that he felt she was choosing drugs and her friend over her little girls.Mom keeps saying that it looks like she is going to have to try and get custody of the girls but she keeps putting it off,trying to give her one more chance.Mom is so afraid of one of us hating her.The father[a nice guy] lives in another state and is about go on active duty[in January] with the NATIONAL GUARD and be sent to Irac.He is not married but has a live in gfriend.Him and my sister just got divorced in Septemberafter a 4 year seperation but he still doen't know what she is doing,that she is addicted.I have thought of calling him and telling him but am afraid he will take the girls away and we will never see them again and who will be caring for them while he is a way on duty.I am worried if I tell him and he goes over there to Irac that he will be distracted worring over his daughters and something will happen to him.I would never get over it,I still love him like a brother!!

I know for a fact that she is addicted to pain pills but I have been told that a crack pipe was seen in her purse.I just don't know what I should do to protect my beautiful neices.I have helped her raise them and it would break my heart to loose them.She used to be such a great mother,now the way she is she shouldn't be anyones mother.
katrinka
katrinka
There isn't anything you can do she has made her choice and drugs are winning. Right now its important children are taken care of, hopefully no one is trashing mom in front of kids they just need to be told mom is sick and leave it at that.
She will keep calling in hopes of manipulating to get money even using her kids as a excuse. I know this is hard to watch and your its upsetting to your parents. Everyone needs to set healthy boundaries and no enabling. Next time she calls saying she ready for help tell her good and give her the phone number for the closest rehab center. You have to use tough love.
mgs1
mgs1
She is addicted to drugs and you and your family are addicted to her drama. It's time to start thinking with your head. Get the children away from her. The best thing you can do is help her hit bottom faster. Katrinka is right, the only thing you should say to her is the number for a rehab center.
She has to hit rock bottom, lose everything, children, friends, possessions and family, before she decides she needs help. And, the children's father has a right to know what is happening to them. You say he might be distracted, what if he is killed?
All people do not behave the same or handle things with such drama. This not about what you want - it is about what is good for the children. Have your parents file for custody and nofify their father.
Hugs.
joleneLS
joleneLS
I have been in almost the exact same boat as you are now.
What country do you live in? I live in Canada, and there were a TON of steps to get my sisters kids taken away.
However, what they did, to give my sister a chance to clean up, was grant us TGO's (temporary guardianship orders) every three months for 2 years.
I raised one of my neices for a year, I was 22, she was 12. Through TGO's I could do everything a parent could, but legally my sister was still her parent. Eventually, because the 12 year old had so many behavioral problems they removed her from my house and placed her with my mom, her grandma. They did not want anger between us as I am the only person in the family that that little girl confides in, and childrens services wanted to keep that relationship healthy.
My sister has gone to court ordered rehab, she has been busted on possession, intent to sell, driving without a license or insurance while intoxicated. A whole list of things. She has NEVER gone to jail for any of these things.
But she didn't fufill her 2 years of programs to get her children back and last month my mother signed a PGO (permanant guardianship order). She is now legally my neices only parent. The other 2 children signed similar PGO's with their father's.
It was sad to see her cry after permanantly losing her children. But it was the best for them, and hopefully it's one more step closer to rock bottom for her.
Also, my sister used to call me for money all the time, and I would always say no. Last year, she showed up at my house on thanksgiving stoned. I put some food on a toss away plate and kicked her out. Then on christmas she stole her childrens christmas presents from my spare room. I told her exactly what I thought of what she had become and I stopped answering her calls. She stopped calling.
If your sister is just starting this addiction then she has a long way to go before she even considers helping herself.
Talk to your parents about the possibility of a TGO (also we got financial assistance throught the TGO for taking on a minor). They may be more willing if they see that it does not mean that it will be forever.
And tell you sister what you think of her behavior, then stop answering her calls. She will leave messages, listen to them, and if it's really important call her back.
Good luck...reading your post brought back a whole lot of memories
deleted_user
deleted_user
Katrinka and mgs1 have given you excellent advise, I too agree with them. You and your family has to stop - immediately - with enabling meaning - stop calling her - her children do not need her - not now - not when she is constantly high or dope sick - her children have been through enough drama and bullshit - you're family is not thinking in a rational manner, everyone is so worried about the addict - and how they are going to "save" her - they aren't putting the life and well being of the children first, which at this point is the only issue and concern everyone should be focusing on - you can't save the addict - the addict is the only one who can save themselves. That will happen when everyone stops enabling, calling, running to get her, trying to talk and reason, expressing their disappointment, this is the biggest waste of time and energy - when all the enabling, hoopla, drama, and reaction stop, along with the addict hitting bottom and/or getting sick and tired of being sick and tired - when they have lost everything - family, home, car, phone, etc., and the only thing they have left are the clothes on their back, then and only then will they get help. mgs1 is right - the children's father needs to know - just because they are divorced from one another - he should not be "divorced" from his children. You have to stop the what if's - the what if's rarely happen - in the meantime, you are focusing and worrying about the what if's, instead of what can be done to help and protect the children. Jolene has given you excellent advise, as she has been there and done it. mgs1 hit the nail on the head - as the addict is addicted to drugs, the family is addicted to the addict - when the family finally hits their bottom and/or gets sick and tired of being sick and tired of all the drama and hoopla that they are addicted to with the addict, the roller coaster ride of addiction with the family will continue. From what you have told us, my personal thoughts and opinion are you're sister is still a long way from hitting her bottom - I have been on both sides of the fence with addiction - I am a recovering alcoholic/addict for 22 years now, and my 24 year old son is a recovering heroin addict for 2 years now - so I have walked in the addict's shoes and in the shoes of the family. Stay strong and keep the faith. Keep us updated on how things are going - you might not like some of our advise, possibly feeling we are harsh and coldhearted, but we aren't we been there and know what you are going through.
mamawx4
mamawx4
I have emailed the father and ask him to call me.I don't have a number to call him so I gave him mine to call and told him that it concerned his daughters.I have no idea how long it will take for him to call me as he is in training.But when and if he does call I intend to tell him everything.I am also going to talk to him about not taking the children from mom until he gets back from Irac.I know that he should get custody of them but I don't want them with strangers while he is gone for a year or more.I know they would be scared to death.I think he will because I know he has always wanted what is best for them.