So he finally calls, to tell me he is at his friends house up the street, this is a kid whose older brother JUST got out of jail, which he's been in for 6 months, for popping a pee test on probation. His Mother works with me as well, and I hadn't told him he was home, he found out, and I TOLD him I did NOT want him hanging around with them again, THEY are part of that 'old crew'...although his mom told me he was doing really well. For the love of Joseph.....I don't care, I still told him NOT to be hanging around there....

So let's see how this plays out, I'll see if he was REALLY over there, he KNOWS I work with the Mom, does he think I will NOT ask her if he was there?

LOL...OMG, so the cycle has started AGAIN...

He has something he HAS to do next week, a class he has to take because he let his tickets pile up and the DMV sent him a notice if he didn't pay the tickets and take this class, he will lose his license yet AGAIN...and he let it get to the point of fines and fees added on, it was a stupid 100 bucks that escalated....THAT was my 1st glimpse of 'oh oh, some thing is not right' you would THINK after losing his license for a YEAR before he would take MORE care this time around....

I'm soooooooo stupid.....I will time this just right....and then the hammer is coming down, HARD this time...no if ands or buts, I'm done....this summer, I want to be able to go away with the hubby, not worry about the house (we don't go anywhere because he lives here, not worrying about theft, thankfully, but about leaving the house unlocked, heat, lights, etc because he doesn't pay attention)...I want to go away on the new boat....sooo....

As he carefully plans his ability to 'put one over on me', I will carefully put my plan into motion.....so as he does to me so I don't see it coming, tables will turn.

There needs to be a 'clause' put in to when you give birth, on the birth certificate, that says 'at age 18, you must leave your parents home and live your own life'.....

OOOHHH, so much for 'timing'....evidentally it has built up for WAY too long.....he came in about 1/2 hour ago, I'm vacuuming, finishing the laundry, doing the dishes and this is BEFORE I go to work for 10 hours.....and he's all singing and happy...I'm sure you are...so I waited, he took a shower, and I finally had had enough, went to his room, he's laying on his bed, on his FB page...and I told him I wanted his room cleaned to MY standards, and he gets all frustrated....choo choo, 'INCOMING TRAIN...."..and I had just had it....told him that I was patient enough, had enough and that when he moved home a year ago, there were rules and he doesn't follow them most the time and I'd had enough, then came the tears from him, 'i just broke up with my gf, and I wasn't at Jeffs, I was at Jessica's, I didn't want to tell you cause I'm working on a relationship with her....' BIG MISTAKE KID! So I cut him off and said 'are you KIDDING ME?'..'YOU want ME to care about YOUR relationship and you couldn't give a crap about my marriage? Like WE don't have any issues? Like all THIS doesn't create tension? I've been working on issues with 'hubby' for 4 years now and I don't see YOU doing ANYTHING to care or help with THAT! And you want ME to feel bad for YOU? Do NOT turn this around like I shouldn't be MAD! I am the ONLY one in this house that should be MAD! I do EVERYTHING in this freaking house, and you are doing NOTHING to help out! You couldn't even CALL to say you wouldn't be home for dinner or home at ALL! So do NOT stand there and tell me that I crossed a line by getting pissed!'....so he says with tears in his eyes 'then I'll move out...' so I say 'If that is what you want, then GO! But from this day forward, I want those rules that I set last year adhered to! '.....I stormed up the stairs and he quietly went to his room. I'm TIRED of walking on egg shells afraid that if I say something he will 'go over the edge' at this point I just don't care anymore. He does NOT care about us or what is happening with us beCAUSE of his crap, so why the hell do I care about HIS relationships? And he's upset one is ending and yet he is with another girl? I TOLD him he needs to be his 'own person' and not always 'need' someone in his life.....OMG he is SO his fathers' son, NOT mine....I'm independent, hard working, always on the go....OMG... You don't want to follow the rules? Then GET YOUR OWN PLACE!

Done...

well girl,,, I think you just put your big girl pants on,,,, or you hit rock bottom,,,,, we set boundaries,, not just for the addicit,,, but they are set for ourselves,,, to create sanity,,Trust me it took a long time to get where I am,,,,, but it came down to this,,,, I was tired of walloping in misery,,, being controlled by the addiciton,,, I may not beable to control my addicit,,, butI certaintly could control how I was going to react and proact to the circumstances,,,

I was becomming just a sick as the addicit,, Ihad my own addicition,,, trying to fix,,, and make sure that I would not piss them off,, becasue did'nt want to give them and reason to use,, so worried about what they were doing,, or if life was good for them,,, bullshit,, what was happening,, I was loosing myself,,, my marriage was being tested,,, becasue of one person,,, my other children (her siblings) were begiining to resent her,, becasue I was putting their needs ( which I did'nt realize,,) a side,, becasue they ok,, they were strong enough to handle life,,, the day Ava told me I look like a circus clown,, trying to make everyone happy,,, that was the moment,,, I hit rock bottom,,, put myself into a so called "rehap" a Kim rehap,,,, I was I going to beable to help anyone,,, even my addicit,, if I was lost in her problems,,,, I wrote a letter to myself,,,, I signed my own contract,,, that from this day forward,,, I was never going to let myself be controned,, or consumed by my addicit,, or any one else,,, I was given this life,,, it's my life,,,, and if I wanted to be miserable,, that was my choice,,, or I can stand up and shout to the world,,, that I am a survior,, and it's my choice to dance in the rain,,, regain my self respect!!!!!,,,, this also was good for my addicit,, to see that weakness is only a state of mind,,,, I practice it everyday,,, i'm sure I will be in recovery for the rest of my life,,,,

Girl if you want peace,,, you create peace,,,, put those big girl pants on,,, lipstick ( my mom always said that was the cure for everything) and get your groove on!!!!

can only "nurse" a child for so long,,,,, they never learn how to eat solids,,,,

uhm,,,, a reality show,,,, it's funny I have a few people that have said that,,, think it's becasue I'm goofy

love ya!!

OMG do I understand your situation! I've been having the same roblem's woth my daughter and she's 29 and to make it even harder she has a son who will be 2 Saturday. She has been in the hospital since Friday, when she went off her rocker and was sent there by her physc nurse. She has as mny problems as your son iff not more, I'm just making myself sick over all of this. She did someting really dumb on Thursday and put her son in danger and his father went to court and got temporary custody, the drama never ends doe it? I hope you nd your son can come t some kind of peace, you will be in my praryers.

We set boundaries so we can take charge of our lives. It took me a long time to follow through with what I said. I went around in circles, climbed the top of the roller coaster, and back down again, over and over and NOTHING changed until I set boundaries and stuck to them.Our home is supposed to be peaceful where we feel safe. My daughter is the best manipulator there is, and she does test me over and over.I enabled my son to death so he no longer faces the demons of addiction, he is finally at peace in heaven. My biggest fear is losing my only other child to this horrible addiction, but it won't be because I loved her too much. Wishing you peace....Hugs! Lori

My recovering addict (son, 26) is living with us right now and I know just what you're talking about--the walking on eggshells, the watching what we say and how we say it, the feeling like we're in jail because we don't feel like leaving him alone in the house because he's so careless (lost the house key ring yet again). It's exhausting. I tried to talk to him calmly the other day about being careful with his drinking (he has stayed out Saturday night 2 weekends in a row). He refused to listen and then bit my head off, cursed about how "you're f...ing crazy." I haven't told his father about that incident because if he knew, he'd kick him out now. My son is recovering from an addiction to heroin, and I'm so scared he'll go back to it if we pull the plug at this moment. When things go well or he's feeling strong, everything is fine. But whenever he feels off-kilter, worried, stressed-out, threatened, he loses his temper and all common sense. Because he has 2 felonies, his job prospects are zero around here. I know he feels hopeless because to tell the truth, I'm feeling like that right now. He's not a go-getter, never has been, and definitely is not creative. He also has a problem with authority and always has had an eventual run-in with "the boss" in every job he's had. I feel like we have no life with him around, and yet because he's clean (he's on probation and is drug tested regularly; in fact, he just had one today), and he's trying in the heroin department, I hesitate to push him out the door and risk having him relapse. I feel like I'm in a maze, and I can't get out. Sorry. I know this was your turn to vent but...your post hit such a nerve that it made me want to scream too. I've been talking to God today to help me through the next few weeks, to show me the way to go. I'll put in a word for you, too. Blessings.

ok,,, I'm just going to apologize up front for my forwardness,,,

Beantown,,,, what part is your son sober,,,, your walking on egg shells, afrarid to trigger because your afraid he might use herion,,, and you feel bad because HE has two felonies and can't find a job,,,, but he is able to go out two weekends in a row a drink,,, now last I check,,, you need money for that,,, shoot I work 6 days a weeks,,, and raise a family,, I don't have that luxury,,, why should he,,,,, I had the fortune to meet a hard core herion addicit, now clean for 18 months,, to see this young man,, never in my wildest dreams did I think there was hope for him,,, well today,, that man does not even drink caffeine,, becasue he wants to be totally clean of any substance,,, this young man,,, well he is (30) works,, and I'm telling you works his recovery,,,, one day he said to me,,,, Kim,,, your killing your daughter,,, your not helping her,,, your keeping her addicition alive,,,, it took me a year,, to realize he was right,, at first,, I was angry with him,,,, but has my attempts to fix her,, was not working.,,, only putting me in a state of insanity,,, while I was in that state,, she was out having a good time,,,, as i had sleepless nights,, but yet had to continue to get up and go to work,, as well as maintain the household,,, she would sleep,,,, how unfair was that,,, that I was watching every step I made,, not to trigger her,,, bull crap,,,, insanity is continuously doing the same thing over, and over and expecting different results,,,,,

I was the weakest link,,, shoot even the darn dog walked all over me,,,,, but it did not work,,,, I dont have all the answers,,, the hardest thing I ever did,, was cut the apron strings,,, I stopped nursing her,,,, we may not be were I want to be,,,, shoot I don't even know where she is,,,,, but if she came to me right this moment,, and said,,, Mom,, I want your help,,, I would stand by her 110 percent,,,,,, in the last couple of months,, I have two addicts that I've helped,,,,, I'm not tooting my horn,,, but,,, helping your child,,, means letting them stop and find their way,,, of course they are going to hate you for the moment,,, but,, as I read your post,, sounds like he does that now,, when you confront him for being gone for two day,,,, stop,, this is your house,,, you want peace, and serentity,, then create it,,,, I visualize this,,,, do I want doves sitting on my window sill,( which they crave peace) or do you want piegons who crap all over the place, and ( are fine with chaos),,,

we gave birth do these kids,, we are in control of our surroundings,,, shoot one of the ten commandments is Honor thy mother and father,,,,, well how can you expect that,, if we do not honor ourselves?

sorry,, this it a nerve,,,, I was there,,, watching every move I made,, afraid to say anything,,, always worried about the addicits feelings,,, watching the addicit slump into depression,,, tell them to get up, make changes,,,,,running on the treadmill of life,, gets you no where,,, quit dwelling on the problem,, and find solutions,,,

just remember,,, I love you all,,, but I am who I am,,,,,

Cardinal, I know you're right on several fronts. But it'd be easier to act if he were not attending meetings, going out every night (in the three months he's been home, he's gone out 3 times) and not lifting a finger around the house (he has actually been helping my husband do work around the house--painting, caulking, yard work, etc.) He doesn't hang out with his friends (he has hardly any left, what with his brushes with the law and his having spent 6 months in jail being common knowledge.) His "normal" friends have moved on and severed ties with him; his druggie friends he does not see anymore. He's made a few new friends in recovery, though. He does go to a gym, which he rides the bus to as he lost his car during the drug haze days. But the rest of the time he's home, day in and day out. He has a court date on Thursday in another county. A lot depends on the outcome of that trial, for example, his being able to go to a halfway house. It's not all black and white; there are gray areas, and it's those gray areas that make some situations not as easy to solve.

by no means to I know it all,, each day is a new day,,, everything is never just a gray area,, dealing with an addicit,,,, my heart aches every second of the day,,, I've just learned to redirect my saddness into joy,,,, it may not be today, nor tomorrow,,, but in my heart one day my addicit,,, my daughter will return,,,,, she may not be who she was,, before she left,, but regardless she will return,,, and I'll be here for her,,, I could no longer live in her world,, it was just to crazy,, I was tired,, by no means have I given up,,, just decided that the direction we were taking was getting us no where,,,,,, what i say,, is all personnel,, and by no means am I preaching,,, I feel your pain,,,, I have done the endless rehaps, 6 months in jail,, every week I was there visiting,,, it was no only heart breaking,,, but kind of degrading,,, she did not belong there ( in my world,, she was not raised like that) Now she is with this Love of her life,, which has as much hold on her,, as the drug itself,, is she clean,,, i'm hoping, she did say,, four weeks ago,, she is staring a new life,,,,, it's not going to be all that fresh,, cause she has this warrent hanging over her,, which breaks my heart,, becasue I can not even tell her about it,,,do guide her in turning herself in,,, but it is what it is,,,, so i sit just like the rest of us,, and wait,, but this time,,,, I'm focusing on the joy of my life,, instead of curling up and covering my head,, and sinking into the world of despair,,, I was there,, and it's dark,,, so I light the candle of hope,, and it will and always continue to burn,,,,,

I've learned to live like it's my last day,,, laught until my belly hurts,, and love like it's my first time,,,,, I don't know what tomorrow brings,, and to be honest,, in my heart and soul,, I have planned my addicits funeral,, crazy as it might sound,,, but reality is a possiblity,,, I love my daughter with every ounce i have,,, but,,, I hate the addict,,,,,and the addicition,,,, but i've directed my anger,, to reach out to anyone that needs the strength,, to get through this nightmare,, becasue i've walked in those shoes,,, and willing to give up the shoes I'm wearing,,,,, I've dedicated some of my time,, becasue girl my time is quite accounted for,, to this ugly disease called addicition, that no only takes over our love ones,, but rips the soul and heart of those around them,,,,
and just remember,,, this too, will be your past one day,,,,

Beantown, I clearly hear you. I've been walking this tight rope for 4 sad years now. I have let it ruin my life for 4 years and right now my 'give a damn' is totally busted!

As harsh as it seems, I'm tired of being manipulated. I get ENOUGH of that at my job. I don't need it at home as well.

I blew up, I got it ALL out, and even when he tried the crocodile tears and the turning it around bit, I dug my heels in deeper. Even when I heard the 'threat' of him moving out (don't make promises you CAN'T keep kid) or the 'I don't want to live anymore', I dug in even DEEPER. I was NOT going to let him win THIS time.

After an hour of him sitting out in the back yard, he came in and we had a good long talk. Maybe it helped? But he REALIZES how he DOES manipulate. And now he knows I know....so THAT cycle is NOW BROKEN.

I am working at breaking every pattern, every cycle that this kid throws at me.

What he does or chooses to do is up to him. He uses again, he's homeless. He wants to move out, so be it. If he wants to end his life, sadly that would be his own choice, not mine. Should I be locking him up for those comments? I've heard it so many times over the years that to me, it is a threat that he knows use to send me to a tail spin that he would get his own way, so again another 'cycle'. God help me if he ever followed through, BUT at the same time, it is a form of manipulation and needs to be broken.

The thing that sucks the worst is we are good parents, we have sacrificed, we have doted, we have loved and yet this damn demon has taken our kids. If I could choke the ever living life out of drugs I would. I hardly use aspirins, I don't drink, I don't smoke...I DO swear like a drunken sailor, but he has GOOD examples to live by, never call in sick, work every day, hardly take vacation time and when I do, it is spent at home.

So this has been HIS doing, not ours. And I REFUSE to let it control me one more moment.

I hope your seeking counseling for yourself as well. You have a life, you have a right to a life.

Find the strength, do what it is necessary for you and the rest of your family as well.

I send you hugs! I wish you peace and resolve....take charge, recharge and relax.....

Well I have not posted a comment in over a year. That is how long my husband has been gone to MS. Now just last Saturday night he calls me and wants to see me and come home. He cried and said he was sorry for everything he did, but I think I am all he has left. He was leaving with his ex for the entire time. I have only spoke to him once to see what all happens and why all of a sudden he is calling me. But I live with friends and do not have my own place I am not sure I want to go back to this same mess I left a year ago. Not sure he has changed at all. What do I do?

Hoping for sunny days I am proud of you! You have finally arrived at the point where you ain't taking any more of his shit! He is going to be shocked and confused and pissed but then he will realize moms done. I can't get away with it anymore. He will then move on to his next target. Who can give me what I want? The addict can only think about themselves, it is not your son speaking it is the addict and all addicts are the same. Self-centered, selfish people. They can change when they start recovery but it takes a really long time. and they change really slowly but they don't start to change until we say enough!! You will be happy again I promise! Stay strong and keep venting I totally understand how you feel. Your son is my son only yours is not in the same spot as mine is today but trust me we were where you are today not too long ago.
Hugs and prayers to you and him.

I truly believe in situation like ours,, it's not the addict reaching Rock bottom but us,,,, where we no longer going to accept the promises, threats, the many forms of manipulation,,that they are so good at,,,

I have not heard from k now in 5 weeks,, I think of her every day,, but I refuse to let her self centerness destroy my joy,,, we has a family are continuing to move forward,, her daughter has finally came to a spot in hr life, that unfortunately the longer she stays away,, the bond between them will be that much farther,apart,, in the past I would try to figure it out,,,but not any more,,I have other things to do,,, like take care of a six year old,, until one day,, her mom gets her life together,,

Hopin,, from one mom to another,,, peace sister,,
And we will be there together at the end,, when our children find their way back,,,

Loving them,, means allowing to let go,, not just physically,, but in ever aspect of life,, gives them their oppurtunity to be held accountable for their own choices ,, if we continue to control that it never ever becomes their own problems,, and they never learn to cope with every day life,,,

My son is 35 and is very successful in business and happy in his life. He has a lot to lose and yet last night he relapsed again for the third time in a year. He takes pills ( ambien ) as he is on suboxone therapy keeping him away from the opiates. It seems to me that once addiction takes hold, you can never fully repair your mind and body ever again. I hear more bad stories than I do about people recovering. He is so convincing when he is between relapses that I actually start to relax a bit. But last night we got a call from his fiance and we had to take him to the ER again. Thank god he lost his license after the last relapse and can not drive for at least another 6 months. But he could burn his house down, or die in his sleep. Today he claims he does not remember a thing from last night. This is a terrible way to live and as his mother, there is not anything I can do and feel so helpless. He has never done more than a week detox program( because of his career ) , which he has done twice. I feel he does not take his addiction seriously enough and I am very frightened for him.

I think one of the hardest things for me when dealing with the addicts in my life (and there have been...and are...plenty of them!) is to be able to set the boundaries, enforce the limits and then LET GO.

I have to be responsible for creating peace in my own home and I have to be responsible for maintaining it.

Thank you ALL for sharing your stories. It helps me keep my sanity to know I'm not the only one going through the same drama!