I was guilty of all of the same. I think parents of addicts are all enablers until we learn.

I changed when he crash a car my dying
Dad bought him into a tree. That night changed me. He ran off when he saw how angry I was. So he went out and used again. That night he had to be revived in the ER. I carry a narcam shot
In my pocketbook and in the house. I was fearful every morning going to his room to see if he was alive. After all four of
My friends buried their kids before age 30.

What parent can handle the thought of their kid not eating. Right? So we give money that they ultimately use to get high. Pay rent because they need a roof over their head. All the while they just play us and use us and manipulate.

I decided my son wasn't dying on my dime. How would I feel if I knew the $10 I gave him to eat was really for the two bags he bought instead of a burger.

I know you know all this and how do you convince you husband to stop. Can you drag him to some meetings where he can hear from parents doing or did the same? From my experience
All you are in this whole thing is the person trying to drag him out of denial. That's a hard role to play to a parent trying to fix their kid. You are the evil one for bringing it to the surface. I know only because anyone who was ever good in my life couldn't deal with how I was NOT doing anything about it.

He needs to hear this from parents in his shoes. Almost like a drug
Addict needs to hear from those in recovery. This isn't for you to fix. He needs to man up and step up. He needs to show his son what a man looks like.

I'm sorry I know this is harsh. But so is losing your child because you are too weak to stop the enabling.

PS...when I stopped and actually took a restraining
Order out is when he put himself into treatment. He's clean about 45 days so far. One min at a time. But it's a start. And I'm proud. Not
Only of him...but me too. I did something so difficult for a parent. But it was with love that I did.

He needs to be spoken to by a parent who's been there and done that

when my son was broke, he got on medicaid and got into the best rehab/homeless shelter and got sober.
Hubby needs to go to some alaonon meetings and learn about loving the addict into the grave.
We learned at the family counceling and it was eye opening to say the least.
helping him have more money to spend on his doc is only hurting son now and guilting dad later.
Perhaps an addictions counselor could meet with him...and you...and set him straight?

Thank you all for your replies and for allowing me to come here and vent.

For 5 years, dh and I have argued over this issue and now, I just bite my tongue and let it bleed. None of it did any good. I've suggested to dh he see a counselor or join a parent group, but he won't. He did used to belong to a parent group years ago when his DS33 was going through all this and he said it didn't help. He did everything different with his oldest...sent him to rehab, teen boot camp, made him join the military at age 18 (only to be dishonorably discharged after only a year due to drug use), so nothing worked. He finally had this son committed into the mental health system and he's been on disability since age 23. He cut this son lose 2 years ago and has only seen him once since.

I think because none of what he did with the oldest worked, he feels the only way his youngest will get clean is if HE decides for HIMSELF that he has a problem. I actually heard dh say to his own father one day on the phone that he's just tired of it all and it's easier to throw money at the problem than do anything about it. I think as long as SS22 holds a job and hasn't gone off the deep end that dh will feel he is at least trying. I don't. Trying would be to go back into treatment, then take a trade program and better his life. Until that day comes, I've disengaged. In our house now, it's "don't ask and don't tell" situation. I don't ask and dh doesn't say much as he knows how I feel. Sad.

Oh...and givenup107...SS22 also crashed the car dh gave him into a tree at age 17 while high. He still has no car, no license and all he'd have to do is admit to having a problem, get clean, decide to go back to school and we would help him get on his feet, yet he does none of it.

Starting....I will give my take on why he isn't trying as hard as the first...because I've been going thru this for 20 years. My oldest is 35. I've chased him around the street....gone and pulled him out of crack houses alone...been to almost every rehab facility and psych hospital...had him threaten to kill me etc, etc. He is in prison now. Five years for robbing a store with a bb gun. In between he is using with his younger brother...now in rehab (doing well so far). It took me a long time with my younger one.

I gave money...allowed myself to be manipulated, etc etc. Why? Because I was BURNED out. I was tired. I was beaten and broken and felt totally defeated. I felt like I had no more to give. (hence the name givenup) I felt paralyzed wit grief. I knew what I was doing wasn't helping him. I enabled it just to not have to deal with it. When he crashed the car...my Dad passed away a few days later. He took part of my Dad with him when he crash that car. I was livid. I kept the insurance money on the car because It was in my name and he would just shoot it up. He wanted the money and I wasn't giving it to him. He took my hot cup of coffee I was drinking at the time and threw it at me. That's how bad it became. I snapped and had him arrested and took an order. NO CONTACT. Made him go to his Dads to live. I almost dropped the order with two days left til it expired. The court kept calling me to show up. If I didn't charges would be dropped. So I decided to show up. Save my son best I could. Now he is clean about 45 days or so and working really hard on himself.

So I get your husband....hes burned out. Taking what he thinks is the easy road. But its really not. I am sure he is a bundle of nerves inside and out.

And Please don't get me wrong. I really feel for you having to shut up and not be heard. This all ruined a relationship I had about 10 years ago that I cared about. He tried to make me see the light. I made him the enemy. We are close friends now...probably not too late if I wanted it...but I wouldn't put him thru this again. I wish I had words of wisdom for you on how to make him listen. But maybe talking about someone you "know" that went thru this and was burned might help him to at least think.

Will pray something gives...I'm sure you feel like the outsider in your home.

givenup - thank you so much again for posting. You DO sound like my dh and I have no doubt what you say is true. I am sorry your relationship did not work out. If dh and I had not been married, I probably would have ended our relationship at some point as well, but this is our second marriage, so we have fought hard to stay together. I read somewhere once that 50% of marriages fail when their is an addict in the family. I can understand why. As the outsider, I see the enabling for what it is. Dh can't...

Start...I'm glad he has you in his corner. If something were to happen he is going to need someone who is strong like you to be there for him. I hope he realizes how hard this is on you. And if he decides to stand up and get his kid treatment...he will need you then too.

Glad you are fighting to keep it together. I wish you well and pray this will one day be behind you both.