I know that you have had such a hard time with all of this.

I would like to tell yout hat your reaction is exactly what it should be, and a very healthy way to look at things, all very confusing. One of the nice things is that you have time to cahnge your mind, rethink, and really consider things before you put them in a letter. And then reread it before you send it if you want.

I have known too many people who nave been incarcerated due to addiction. Really, some of them have seen it as a great thing, and tried hard, and some have just behaved like locked up addicts who want everything to still revolve around them.

I am not a big fan of the jailhouse apology. It is nice to hear, but I take it with something like an "uh-huh, I really hope so" attitude. I am happy to communicate with the person as though they mean it, but I do not invest in it being the reality when they get out. I hope, but do not expect anything.

You want to build this realtionship, and if you do, that is great, but I woluld say that you really need to get that there will be stages, and make sure that you take it just as slow as you need to. Probably the time when she enters rehab will be the time when you are better able to know more.

The thing is that when people are locked up, they are not able to hide and scheme much, but sometimes you get a sense that if they could, they would. And if they are very demanding, act as though somehow being locked up gives them the right to demand or expect things that they really don't have coming, this can be very annoying.

I think that you should do just as you are, be careful, look at how you feel, act on how you feel, and accept and not accept what you choose. Remember, she got locked up because she got locked up. This is not something people get treated nicely or rewarded for., and certainly should not ask others to feel bad for them as they earned their time.

I am so sorry you have so much sadness with this. You are handling it so well, and I wish you peace.

It must be very lonely in there for her. Her own doing, of course. Just tell her that you will continue to write and send pictures, nut not at the unrealistic rate she expects them. Maybe it's a control thing as she has had all of that power taken away in prison. I think it's great that that facility deals with women w/ drug probems. Hopefully she will learn a lot while she is there, including not being so selfish.

she is still behaving like an addict. "Me, always about me and what i want." "Control, manipulation and demands.' Nothing has changed, except she doesn't have her drug. I may be the exception here, but using the premise... 'If you have healthy boundaries you don't go through life feeling, used, abused and angry or depressed."
Me, personally... i would tell her exactly the way you feel. It has to be your boundary and your terms. Yes, I understand you have not had a relationship with her and want one... but not this kind. She needs to learn to deal and relate in the real world, not a world that snaps to her every demand or she will never be able to function sober. She doesn't need pictures of you all the time... I do know this sounds mean... she is just saying that because she thinks it will flatter you. Nothing has changed... The people are the same... no new pictures needed. it sounds like she has a whole lot of time on her hands and she needs to start being productive with it. She can attend classes, read, etc. Journal... she doesn't have to be and shouldn't be obsessed with hearing from you... or calling you. Trust me, you will simply get sucked into being her only support system and when she gets out... watch the fireworks then. Nip this in the bud...

Even before she was an addict, wich seems like forever ago, my sister was always self centered. It was always all about her. No matter what the occasion. She has ruined birthdays, weddings, even funerals! She was diagnosed bi polar about a year before she started using, self medicating I guess, and they didn't figure out a medication combo before she made one herself. She has been a difficult person all her life, with mental issues that I can't even wrap my mind around.
She was abusive to me as a child, I later found out that when I was born(we are 7 years apart) she blamed me for all of her problems. My bio father is her step father, and it started with the fact that she thought our father no longer loved her. And she let me know how much she hated me all my childhood....with cigarettes to my arms, or leaving me locked in a closet for hours, or breaking my favorite toys in front of me.
It feels like she is trying to change, she is creating a new persona, but her old self is finding the weak spots in the new her and moving on in. If that makes any sense at all.
She works at this prison, kitchen duty in the morning and laundry into the evening. So her letters are spurts on paper. But she thinks that because she has time to do this, that I should. But no one supplies me with the paper, pen, envelope(and she has her own stamps but they give them out as needed). Also, no one mails it for me. I have an 8 month old daughter, as well as I watch two 19 months olds and a 3 year old...mailing a letter is usually buried somewhere in between scrubbing the baseboards and dusting. Low priorities.
She asked if she could live with us after she was all done her treatment...she can't get early parole unless she has a sanctioned place to go. We have a 5 bedroom house, and there are only three of us...so I couldn't beg on the excuse we had no room. So I told her the truth. I didn't trust her, and I had my own family now that I had to put first. I couldn't let her stay with me. And she took it soooo well....telling me that she was dissapointed but she understood.
I know I'm rambling, but I have alot of problems with my sister that I don't really tell anyone else. My poor mother has enough stress and my fiancee came from a family that hides and buries it's problems, so he doesn't want to talk about it.

wow... there is a lot of luggage here. And, you are exactly right, she did come up with her own medication which is now an addiction. Hopefully she is getting treatment in jail for this disorder. It is VERY hard to diagnose and even harder to get the right medication. Even with the right medication for 90% of the time, there is still the 10% which the medication won't stop the manic or hypo mania episodes.
She has alot to work on and you my dear, have a lot to handle. Take care of yourself and your family.
I wish you all the best.
Big Hug!!!

Look up Borderline Personaity Disorder. I am sitting here wondering if she is my daughter! That is exactly what my daughter did. She doesn't have drugs to comfort her so now she is asking you to fill that void. She does not understand, nor will she probably ever understand what your needs are. You will have to decide on your own if you are willing to be a part of her life or not. My daughter has been a thorn in my side for so long but I finally sought out counseling to try and come to terms with my own feelings of anger & resentment. Since that time, we are slowly working towards recovering what is left of our relationship. I think it might do you good to find someone to talk too about your feeings. Lisa will be coming home Tuesday and we wil just take it day by day.

Wow this is all such great feedback. I keep feeling that the best thing you can do is build your life and keep working on yourself through alanon. When all is balanced you will feel like you can give to her without resentment. Right now there is resentment from the past and she is currently pushing to have you fill her void. She has a HUGE void and it will remain that way until she works on yourself. Her choice and her work.

Turn this around and write to her about real things, about your inner feelings or about your growth it could develop a beautiful relationship and shift in her. She may or may not relate but it could create an opening to start a new way of being for both of you. Honor yourself, your boundaries and be genuine.

Wow Jolene have you and your step sister spoke about the childhood issues? Those are serious accusations and hard to understand how anyone would even give this person the time of day! Either you have forgiven her, or you are looking for an apologize. You might be setting yourself up for the same heartache you have gotten from her your whole life! I would write a letter and come straight to the point, and I hope you and her both got therapy for this! It really sounds like you have spent a lot of time trying to get her to like you! There might be a time when you will have to let that go. Ill be praying for you!

Correction not yourself *herself ooooooooops sorry!!!

Here's the thing...and I know it's sort of like self sealing my fate.

I don't like alanon. I went to alateen when I was 12, as my mother is a recovering alcoholic, she has been 16 years sober. I didn't enjoy it and I couldn't talk to strangers face to face about what was going on in my life and my head. I attended alanon as well once, and couldn't relate. I just don't do well sitting in a room of strangers. Also, small city means small groups. The one I went to was four members. Even more akward.

Also, when my father died I was forced into three years of therapy. A different therapist every six months because I refused to talk to random people about myself. I didn't like the scrutiny, and as such, therapy is also not much of an option.

I have always dealt with things by taking the problem(person or situation) and battling it head on. But my sister is my medusa. I seem to think if I look her in the face I'm gonna turn to stone. She terrifies me. It makes me mad that she does. But she was my childhood bully, my pre teen bully, my teenage bully, and my young adult bully. I've stood up to every person who has tried to cow toe me except her. I can't even get up the guts to say it in a letter becuase I know face to face comes next!

I may be setting myself up for a fall. But I can't fall many more times. And maybe if I do get let down this will be the last chance she gets.

I say this with understanding and compassion. Because you have always done it does not mean that you don't have the power to change it. As a matter of fact all you have to do is say I am not doing that anymore and change it. Breaking through barriers of not sharing yourself with others in it self is worth dropping. We get so comfortable doing what we have always done that we attach our selves to it. That is not who you are ~ it is what you have been doing. Who you are is the person inside that wants to be healthy and fully experience life without the little voice inside that tells you to shut down so you don't get hurt. You can write or talk to your sister in the same expressive way telling the truth. She can attempt to bully you but you can also shut her behavior down and not let her dysfunction rattle you. Try alanon online for a mini baby step not having to be with a group of small town exposure. The important part is that you work on your growth so you can over come and rise above all of this! I have much love and feeling for you and what you are going through because I have been there too! Have courage!

Hey

I know exactly what you are saying. And I say that you should face your sister, whatever way you choose, but you have to do this to get yourself going forward. I spent so much time being held back, or fighting battles that weren't really that important, reacting in many ways, becuase I could not take on and face the things, people, situations, I needed to. The person I needed to get past, it was just always there. Even when I thought I was dealing with someone else, or somtehing else, it was there, lurking. No matter what I did, I never felt that I really had confidence, that I could really do whatever I wanted, that I could be whatever I wanted, because in the back of my mind was the knowledge that I just couldn't do that.

I cannot tell you that it is easy. It is like opening up a bee's nest, really, just so much and it feels like you may get as hurt and it feels like it is all just pain, no matter if it is you or anyone else that is getting stung. But then I realized, this is just a person. Really, and all the stuff around this person, I could let it be there or make it go away.

Do this how you feel best, but I would say to you, do it. The freedom of knowing that you are not afraid, that you can face anything, that there is nothing out there that will be too much, it is unbelieveable. I would say that I did not even think about whether to forgive or not, it worked itself out as peeled it away.

I get what you are saying about Alanon, get counseling. Once you get this out in the open, you may feel differently about Alanon, but if not, stick with counseling.

You have to crawl out from under this, you will be so much more happy, so much more able to make decisions that are really good for you, and you will begin to make decisions based on what you need and want and not on what you are looking over your shoulder for.

All the very, very best...

well i really hope you are ok with me telling you this but i think for some freaky reason you dont want to give up your sister. and i dont think it has anything to so with being tough; i think you want to fix her! well you cant fix her so you need to fix yourself. i know how you feel about alanon. the one by my house only has 3 members and i have a 3 year old so that is not the best for me either. but i know if i did not talk it out i would never be where i am today. really you need to look at alternative help. meditation, one on one, something that makes you look at yourself and somewhere that the whole truth can come out. you cant be healed until the whole truth comes out!