My sister is the biggest addict in my life.  I have others in the fringes but she is the main one, the star of the show, the person who demands attention and does her best to crush the person giving it to her.

I backed far, far away from her quite some time ago.  I talked to her breifly maybe once every month or two.  I got my updates on her from my mother who is always keen to keep her kids in a semi functioning relationship, something that is basically mission impossible.  Every now and then I took a short cruise through her facebook.

Then she started dating an old friends brother.  He, of course, is also an addict.  But he is about a decade younger than my sister.  His family is still new to this world.  And sometimes I got texts from her asking for my help.  She needed a hand to help her navigate.  And one day she text me to ask if I had heard from our siblings....because the last anyone had heard from her brother he had sent a text to his dad saying he was with someone and he was terrified.  So I do a little digging.  My sister won't answer her phone when I call, no texts, no facebook messages, no facebook activity (my sister posts easily 15 memes a day and 20 selfies without ever missing a day).

They are just.....gone.

So of course I start to panic.  It's what every single person with an addict worries about.  The cryptic last message.  The total silence from both of them.  I'm sure their dead.  And I need to be the one to contact the rest of my family and tell them.  So we file a missing persons report, as does friends family.  That must of triggered something in the system because suddenly my mom gets a call from my sister.....who is in jail 3 hours away.

She got caught with drugs.  And her reasoning for being so far away?  So she didn't embarass me because she just knew this was going to be a bust.  It's murky what the charges are.  Right now she is only being charged with possesion of meth in quantities deemed for personal use.  BUT her boyfriend, who has never been picked up (my sister has done federal time) decided to take all the blame for the other charges.  Some were his to take.  But some were not.  Last I heard though he was done detoxing off of heroine and he had gotten a lawyer and my sister thinks he may rebuke his admittance to some of the charges.

Where is all this leading you ask?  I mean, you would ask that if you are still reading. Today my sister has her bail hearing. And it hurts my heart.  I think she will be granted bail.  She is incredibly lucky this way.  She constantly escapes the justice systems wrath.  I don't want her to get bail.  I want her to go to prison.  But my sister is very unwell health wise.  If she goes to prison she will most likley die there.  And what sort of a sister wishes that on a sibling?  What sort of a monster wants her own flesh and blood locked up to rot away and eventually die while in a concrete box?  Deep down I want this all over.  And it's almost to the point where I don't care how anymore.  I know sobriety.... is never going to happen.  I know keeping herself clean legally....is never going to happen. I know being remotely close to normal....is never going to happen.  It feels like prison or death are it now.  Thats it.  And prison seems like the less cruel of the two (Im in Canada, so Canadian prison).  Or maybe I just tell myself that because it makes me feel better.  Maybe death is also an option I wish but I struggle with the sick feeling of admitting that to myself.

We have been dealing with her addictions for 15 years.  And I know compared to some that's just a walk in the park.  I'm 30 years old. That means for half my life I've been dealing with my sister.  And even when I cut her out, my mom is addicted to her, and then I have my mom to deal with.  And I can't cut my mom out.  It's not an option.  I can't.  But I'm so burned out and it feels like the bubble full of anxiety, and I'm sure that sort of crying where your face gets all blotchy and your nose runs like a volcano, is just going to grow and grow and grow and swallow me whole.