I find it funny that she is upset over the number of pages in the two letters. She really does seem to be keeping score, along with an ongoing competition for your mother to take sides. That doesn't show alot of progress.

If you choose to forgive (but not forget), it will not be because she deserves it. It will be so that you can release the burden of anger that you are carrying around. You will have better physical and emotional health by letting this go. To a certain extent, the therapist and your mother are right. If you hold on to your anger, it is your problem. That's not the same as saying that it's right or wrong. It's that anger and resentment do harm to the persons who hang on to them.

At my son's rehab center there was a sign that I think is very appropriate. It said "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". The author is Malachy McCourt.

If you are hanging on to the anger for your sister's past deeds, you are hurting yourself--not her. Let it go for your own benefit.

The number of pages written is futile and childish. Anyone actually saying such a thing is really silly. A one liner can be an extremely profound expression shared. She has a void in her being and a letter of 1000 pages won't fill it. You owe her nothing and she owes you nothing. If we hang on to expectations we will always be disappointed. Try to have compassion for your sister and let go of the anger. You can't change the way she is but you can change the way you are with this issue. You have your own life to live holding on to what she did or how she hurt you will only keep you from living a full happy life. With that said set boundaries, know the truth and don't let your mom or your sister manipulate you. Your attitude and way of being is key ~ if you demonstrate anger and put up walls you will not put forth a good attitude and way of being. This will effect every area of your life.

Still my opinion, your sister is manipulating your mom and trying to win her over to her side. Words can be taken out of context and trust me people, especially addicts hear what they want to hear. The therapist doesn't have your side of the story and your sister in all liklihood has minimized her actions towards you. While it is true, that not letting go is your problem, it is also your right. You will let go of them when you are good and ready and not just whenever your sister thinks you should and not just because you get a letter from her. Saying you "have to" forgive and forget is a form of manipulation. I'm not trying to be mean, but this whole thing is completely childish, abusive and emotional manipulation on your sister's part. I agree with Nodenial, this is about healthy boundaries and from what I see your sister and your mother don't have any. Make and keep yours. Just because they share your DNA does not mean you need to love them or even like them.
hugs!!

I agree with others that holding onto resentment or hurt feelings only hurts you. However, that does not mean that you have to open up your heart to an addict again.

The letter she wrote will be the most telling thing. Will the letter be centered around her and the bad things that have happened to her and how it was because of those things that she did what she did? Or will it be an acceptance that it has been her choices and an attempt to empathize with your position?

Based on the comparision to the number of pages in the letter and the apparent manipulation of you mother to get you to "forgive and forget", my guess is it will be the former. It is difficult for addicts to admit their ownership of the problems they cause.

There is no one who hasn't made mistakes. Your sister made mistakes done things that were wrong. I agree with the therapist your sister has explained in her words why she did whatever, its your choice to either move on and forgive or hold onto resentments which hurt you. My therapist told me the same thing as your sister did. We are only accountable for ourselves no one else.
Since you haven't spoken to your sister and only have your mom's side you really can't say how much was exactly your sisters words.
Its like anything, I can say something but someone else hears something else, they tell another person but it never exactly what I said.
Personnally I think you need to read your sisters letter and make your own decision from that.
As for the comparison of the number of pages that seems like someone is making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I just don't understand how I'm supposed to forgive years and years of hurt and pain from just one letter?

The things my sister did to me....
She locked me in a closet for hours at a time. She knocked out my front teeth. She used to tie me to a chair and break my favorite toys in front of me. She took a sharpie and went through my photo albums and scratched out her face and those of her kids in all my photos. She stole from me and her kids in my home on Christmas. She screamed at me, in public places, about how her life was shit because of me. Alot of this happened before the drugs even became a factor!

I understand that the hurt and anger I carry is a burden on me. But what it feels like my family expects is that now she has written a letter(still waiting on that in the mail) that I should just put it all behind me and forget. That I should just go forward and forge some great relationship with her as if we were strangers just meeting for the first time.

My mother was a big enabler for my sister. But she is doing better. I actually heard her call my sister a liar when they were talking on the phone(she has never called my sister on any of her crap before). She's also a very honest person. I don't think she misconstrewed it on her end. She has however, always maintained that I need to forgive my sister and forget the past.

It's just not easy for me. Not at all.

It sounds like your sister had other mental problems and unfortuately they were not diagnosed when she was young. Most addicts have mental problems which lead them to drugs. Drugs are the symptom.
It always easy to be the victim once you know you have the power to control your own life and then you make no changes it is now your own fault.
I had a very horrible childhood, though counseling I learned how all this made me be the person I am. I hold no grudges against anyone, they did the best they could with the circumstances they were given. Having resentments hurt you not the other person.
We all do the best we can. All I can say is you can be mad have nothing to do with your sister, that is your choice. Everyone enables a addict to a certain point, they don't mean too and it takes time realizing what you should or shouldn't do.
It seems to me I would read the letter first before speculating on what you should or shouldn't do.

I agree it is best not to speculate on what the letter says too much. For that matter the letter might not hold much weight at all. Until you see how your sister is and experience a difference coming from her it will be all words. Consider just continuing on living your life and not let what your sister does effect you. I know the roller coaster ups and downs attached to the life of an addict is what I want to detach from. It seems to me that your mom wants to help mend things between you and your sister. As a mom I know it hurts to see siblings hate each other. She is trying to clean it up between the two of you. However, it is not her job to guide or control it when and if you are ready to forgive and let go you will!

I agree that letting go will help heal you. But you owe your sister absolutely nothing. If you choose to let her into your life fine, if you don't that's fine too. I know it is easier said than done to not let someone get under your skin. But, after alot of therapy I've learned I don't have to put up with anyones BS. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Good Luck.

I also have an addicted sister who is in jail right now. She has been sober for months as i am pretty sure they have gotten her off of the methadone. The therapist asked my mom to write a letter to my sister basically telling her everything: how mad she is, how hurt she is, how used she is, how she will never be able to trust her again, etc..etc...
This letter was supposed to let my sister truly understand what she has done. My sisters response was SUPPOSED to be owning what she did and apologizing for it. Which she did. (who knows if it is true)
I think your sister is still in the place where she does not want to give up her addiction and instead of owning up to it and apologizing, her explaining is her playing the victim and trying to manipulate you guys. I'm sure you mom is her main enabler just like my mom is, and that is the person the easiest to manipulate.
I honestly believe in cutting off the communication with your sister, that might really make her think, and that will help you to move on and be able to not hold on to the anger and resentment you feel towards her. Sure you will always feel that way, but you wont think about it all the time if you make a conscience effort to stop thinking of her and move on with your life. I started to think of my sister as a zombie and that helped me somewhat. I know this advice may sound harsh but we have tried everything to help them and all it does it keep hurting us and them, don't you agree?
You keep letting her in and nothing changes. It is time to move on with your life. You have to accept that she is in all reality probably never coming back, and if she does it will be years before you will be able to have a somewhat normal relationship with her. Your efforts are being wasted. You do not need to be strung along anymore. I hope you can find peace.

Dear Jolene, it is not for others to dictate how you "should" feel or "should" react. We each feel what we feel and must work through that at our own pace. I know this because I am going through a transition myself. My husband of 5 years is also in jail and I am letting go. I am actually returning his letters unopened now and not accepting his phone calls either. There was a brief time I got his letters. He was writing to me every single day and I was getting letters every other day. It became too much, because to me, words are just words.

I hope you can let go of your hurt and your anger. It took me a while to do it but it helped me immensely. The one time I went to the jail to see my husband (after 4 months of him being incarcerated) I realized upon leaving that I felt nothing.......no anger, no love, nothing.....not even sorry for him. With that I knew that I was really finished and ready for divorce.

In Al-Anon we learn the concept of "detaching with love". This is so important for our sanity. Not for them, but for us. I hope you can get to a meeting so you can be around others who have been there. Take care.