Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results right? Well, this is where the kid is at. After a year, he has, lived with his birth father (total idiot who lives off his own mother at 54). He moved to Colorado, got a GREAT job, blew that, his old Navy roommate that he was living with excepted our son and his 'new gf' to live with him, then they got blamed for things missing, the gf hightailed it back 'home' (1200 miles away), our son soon followed back with her....that was in July, he hasn't gotten a job, living on friends couches with the 'gf', who is waitressing, and didn't call most of the summer. He is now calling again with the 'same old song and dance'....gonna get a job, living in a rooming house in the city but it's gross and now he is gonna go live with his birth father again....SMH....
Needless to say, it's the holidays and once again, instead of joy, I am full of depression. I have a GREAT new life, new home, new job, GREAT hubby! But yet I can't find joy in ANYTHING. I got off the phone with him last night and just lost it. My hubby is an emotional midget mind you, but I could see it tears him up when he sees the pain in my eyes. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. I get him, I understand him and I'm a VERY strong person, but I'm breaking.
NOW, this is what I'm thinking. I do NOT want to deal anymore with the 'talk' from this kid. So, I'm thinking of telling him I do NOT want to hear from him again until 1.) he has a steady job, not a p/t crap job, FULL TIME 2.) he has his own place to live and his feet on the ground.
That I can NOT ride this merry go round any longer for OUR own sanity. We ALMOST lost our marriage to this kids addiction, manipulation etc, but we got through it....I will NOT lose the man I love over this kids addiction.
Is this a selfish way of thinking? We have put him in rehab, we have done EVERYTHING we can. I will NEVER let him live with us, I don't give him any money. I refuse to enable this kid. He will be 25 in January. I am at the end of my rope and TIRED of blaming myself, my husband and anything else I can think of because HE can not take care of his own life.
He has health benefits, he has SO much more than the normal person as he was in the Navy, so he has everything at his fingertips to get a good direction but is too lazy to just freaking DO IT!
I'm not gonna win Mother of The Year, but I just need to keep my sanity.
Needless to say, it's the holidays and once again, instead of joy, I am full of depression. I have a GREAT new life, new home, new job, GREAT hubby! But yet I can't find joy in ANYTHING. I got off the phone with him last night and just lost it. My hubby is an emotional midget mind you, but I could see it tears him up when he sees the pain in my eyes. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. I get him, I understand him and I'm a VERY strong person, but I'm breaking.
NOW, this is what I'm thinking. I do NOT want to deal anymore with the 'talk' from this kid. So, I'm thinking of telling him I do NOT want to hear from him again until 1.) he has a steady job, not a p/t crap job, FULL TIME 2.) he has his own place to live and his feet on the ground.
That I can NOT ride this merry go round any longer for OUR own sanity. We ALMOST lost our marriage to this kids addiction, manipulation etc, but we got through it....I will NOT lose the man I love over this kids addiction.
Is this a selfish way of thinking? We have put him in rehab, we have done EVERYTHING we can. I will NEVER let him live with us, I don't give him any money. I refuse to enable this kid. He will be 25 in January. I am at the end of my rope and TIRED of blaming myself, my husband and anything else I can think of because HE can not take care of his own life.
He has health benefits, he has SO much more than the normal person as he was in the Navy, so he has everything at his fingertips to get a good direction but is too lazy to just freaking DO IT!
I'm not gonna win Mother of The Year, but I just need to keep my sanity.
We can't control what goes on in the world, but we can limit the crap that falls into our lives...and how we react to it.
Tell him you love him. Tell him you cannot take it anymore and that you hope he will get better soon. Then tell him you really can't have these phone calls anymore. And if he does? say hi, how are you? give it two minutes and say....gotta go, love you. done. (I did this with my daughter- NOT the addict, when she started with rudeness and making me feel bad- and "taught her how to treat me:.)
If that doesn't work...then I would say NO more calls.
I would hope that leaving the door a tiny bit open that you could one day get the phone call that he was going into rehab. I did.
But, if you can't do it that way...I agree...cut off. He can always send a letter.
I feel you. You are doing the right thing,because taking care of ourselves may be the example to the addict of how to get their lives together. Joining them in the pit of hell doesn't do anything for anyone. HUGS to you.
hugs and prayers
Instead get your power from not enabling him, and learning to detach from the bad things going on in his life. I don't know how you heard about all his mishaps, but if he is the one telling you all this, cut him short and let him know you do not want to know. If he is telling you all of this it is to make you feel sorry for him so, he can get something out of you. Always let him know you love him and do not judge him. A good part of his problem is genetics and that is a battle in itself.
Hold your son in your heart with love, and keep your distance until he is ready to heal. Imagine a force field around you that protects your inner being. All that crazy addiction drama is outside and cannot penetrate to your core, where all is well.
This is what I'm struggling with right now. The bright, amusing little boy that I raised will always live in my heart. The insolent addict cannot be part of my life. This is a terrible tragedy and we have to fight against depression taking over. It's healthy to acknowledge the anger and frustration, but we have to make sure not to dwell there, otherwise we become part of their dark world. Focus on the things you love. Good luck and stay strong!