I’m breaking up with an addict. There, I typed it. Maybe now the realization will sink and I can start to work on myself? I’m going to keep retyping it, repeating it in my head, singing it out loud until it sinks in. I need to be confident in my decision to have a healthy life.

This is one of the most painful life-markers I have yet to start climbing. Everything about it feels gross. I’m sure if you’re in this group you can relate. It seems that everyone’s story is uniquely familiar if that makes sense. The addict hurts, struggles, attempts to do the best he/she can, falters and relapses, ignores they have a problem, swears they can control the demons living in their closet, lies, steals, hurts without disregard everyone around them, disrespects, batters … on and on I could type. Yet, although our addicts have these despicable traits, they’re also these wonderful people deep down who make us laugh, feel loved, and see the world through different lenses.

I have many addicts in my world. You would think I would know better than to fall in love with one. Although my head was screaming at me in the beginning to run, run, run from him, my heart couldn’t help itself. He’s an amazing man who completes me unlike anyone else I have dated. However, his demons are plentiful and he hasn’t been in active recovery for sometime. Since he stepped away from the program, it’s been a downward slope. And, as you all know, you can’t force anyone to do anything so slowly we’ve both been sliding down this hill for the past year and a half until we finally hit the drop off last weekend.

My heart is broken for many reasons. I’m mad at him, mad at myself for allowing it to affect me, mad at the universe for sending me an amazing flawed man … I’m pretty messy right now. And, as we go through this breakup, his anger and addict mannerisms are really messing with my head. I’m trying my best to not let it affect me, but the enabler in me cries inside every time I see one of his frantic texts flash across my screen. My heart wants to make it better. My heart wants to make his pain stop. But my head won’t allow me to give him anymore control over me. I have set my boundaries (Naranon’s 2nd lesson!), healthy boundaries, and I need him to respect these. If it causes him pain to not be in control, that is not my concern. I cannot feel guilty!

That’s where I am today. I’m open to all suggestions for how to stand firm and how to ignore his frantic messages. There’s a lot of love between us … a lot of pain, too … it’s just so hard.