Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
not any more. Bottom line, hubbys' family knows nothing about our sons' issues. I'm sure they have a 'hint', but would be shocked to find out the extent.
So now, the holidays are upon us and they have always been filled with drama, just ONCE I would like no drama.
Last year, he was using methadone when he showed up, the year before he was going in and out of the bathroom and was so jittery it put EVERYONE on edge, the year before that, he slept the whole time, nodding out, the year before that, well, you get the picture.
This year he has no car, he has this 'gf' that I don't know and don't care to know, we have to drive 3 hours down and back the same day, and we would have to tack on another hour each way to get him and what shape will he be in? And he won't seperate from the gf for a moment smh....
What do I WANT? I don't want to even go, I would like to stay home.
And how bad is it, as a Mother, that should we go, I do not want him there? I haven't seen him in a year, since LAST Thanksgiving.
I don't want to lie to him either, but I don't want to hurt him, hurt his feelings.
I just don't know what to do here and I'm finding myself getting very depressed.
So now, the holidays are upon us and they have always been filled with drama, just ONCE I would like no drama.
Last year, he was using methadone when he showed up, the year before he was going in and out of the bathroom and was so jittery it put EVERYONE on edge, the year before that, he slept the whole time, nodding out, the year before that, well, you get the picture.
This year he has no car, he has this 'gf' that I don't know and don't care to know, we have to drive 3 hours down and back the same day, and we would have to tack on another hour each way to get him and what shape will he be in? And he won't seperate from the gf for a moment smh....
What do I WANT? I don't want to even go, I would like to stay home.
And how bad is it, as a Mother, that should we go, I do not want him there? I haven't seen him in a year, since LAST Thanksgiving.
I don't want to lie to him either, but I don't want to hurt him, hurt his feelings.
I just don't know what to do here and I'm finding myself getting very depressed.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your son that if he isn't sober, he can't join you. Why make the holiday uncomfortable for you and your entire family?
My ex was an alcoholic and abusive. He put up a good front on holidays with my family (parents; siblings). It was 1.5 hours each way to get to my mother's house. The entire way home, after he had been drinking, he would verbally abuse me while I drove. One holiday I told him he was not joining us. And, he didn't for each subsequent thing we did, even something as simple as pumpkin picking with the kids. I simply wouldn't let him put everyone on edge and put a negative spin on a holiday or important event.
Something to think about....
Like your son, for the last several years mine did not have a car so that would mean we had to pick him up be it 10 minutes of an hour away. Weve witnessed addict son nodding off during dinner, being jittery, being sick, with mood swings, etc. Often he would show up unkempt and in dirty clothes. Once he showed up with his hand bandaged because someone attacked him with a knife. His presence adds a level of tension to the events. Holidays, which I used to enjoy, filled me with dread. I was relieved when he declined to make the 6 hour trip to my parents for Thanksgiving several times. He never missed Christmas until last year when, thanks to his actions against us, he has no choice as he is incarcerated.
The holiday season last year was a journey. I wondered if I should hang his stocking. When unpacking the ornaments to decorate the tree I ran across the handmade, glittery balls that he crafted in Sunday School and Cub Scouts. Do I hang them? Also, I found the Babys First Christmas ornament with a sweet image of him as 3 month old. I hung those ornaments in the back and side of the tree where they werent obvious to me every time I passed by. The stockings? Since last year was the first Christmas with our new daughter-in-law (other son), I decided it was time for new stockings. If our addict son is ever able to rejoin us in celebrations, Ill cross that bridge when I come to it.
While he was incarcerated last year I worked with a therapist on setting boundaries for when he is out. And also learned how NOT to be an enabler. I guess my only advice to you is to insist that, if your son is to be part of the holidays, he must remain sober. Also, ask yourself if your son really wants to be part of the family Thanksgiving. Do you want him there for you or for him?
My addict son was out, briefly, from April through August. He decided it wasnt necessary to report to the rehab or the parole office so he is back in custody and will spend another holiday season behind bars. On the bright side, that means no drama.
Take care.
do whatever is right for you. period. no guilt. you deserve to live happily, or at least with some peace.