it is ok to rant here , that is y we have this place to come too, i am sorry ur going through all of this, i will keep u in my prayers.

I've been going through the same type of thing for over three years (with a 2 1/2 year old daughter along for the 'ride'). I questioned myself, I thought I could love him better, this and that. I've walked away for the last time now. I felt guilt and sorrow. Now I just feel joy, happiness, freedom and serenity. I couldn't work 'it', 'him' or the 'disease' out. How could I love someone who's illness twisted everything I did and said so that he didn't even feel my love? It became impossible for me. I thought I'd never ever be able to 'walk away' but I have and I'm keeping on walking. I love him, I always will but from a very, very long distance. I now realise that I was helping him and it was actually abuse. What he was doing, whether he meant to or not, was abusing me and I was stuck in it. Clear as a bell I see it now. Clear as a bell....Good luck. It's good to rant. Especially here. ;-) xxx

that should read 'wasn't helping him' ;-)

I'm praying for peace and serenity for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Let's see - he left with a girl who was in rehab with him - that's 13 stepping, which is what it's called in the 12 step program - not good. Is he attending and working the 12 step program, does he have a sponsor? But what most people whose spouse, so, bf, child, don't understand is that when an addict goes into rehab, attends and works a 12 step program, they are not cured immediately. Your bf is so new in recovery, that he probably isn't through step 1,2, or 3 of the 12 step program. Addicts do not become addicts overnite, therefore, working a 12 step program does not change them overnite. The most important thing an addict is taught in rehab and the 12 step program is not to get into a relationship for ONE year. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to see or talk to him. You are only 26 years old - you will meet and find someone - my advise is to tell him if he comes by you to get out and don't let the door hit him in the ass as he leaves.

They always know exactly the right spots to hit dont they? They know what angers and upsets us, and they use and abuse it. Youre not ranting, this is the best place to let it all out. For me, its the only place. I think you have to go with what is right for you, and not what your heart is saying. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know i havent come to that stage yet, because im still with my husband, but we never listen to our own advice do we!

Hayes-Thank you so much The thing is, and like I said no one else in the world can understand but people who have been with an addictI dont miss being with him, dont have romantic feelings for him anymore, I still love him and always will regardless, but I dont know that I could ever be with him again, even if I wanted to. The thing that drives me crazy, and that I dont get, is how he can still affect me so much. I realize I just need to cut off communication; I was trying to be his friend, trying to support him. Pretty much all of his friends use, so when he came home, he had to stay away from everyone from his past-except me. So I wanted to be there for him as much as I could, and I guess I felt guilty-even understanding how abusive the relationship had been-that I wasnt in love with him anymore Again, probably sounds crazy, but its true.

The thing is, I just want him to be sorry, or at least to acknowledge what I was going through when I broke up with him and that he wouldnt have ended up in rehab if I had not put my foot down and broken up with him. I realize it sounds incredibly ridiculous to even care what he thinksand I know I shouldntbut for some insane reason, I really care what he thinks. I just want him to apologize for everything, I guess because I dont want him to be this all bad assholewhat does that mean about me for falling in love with him? He was supposed to go back to being the amazing man I fell for when he got clean, but that hasnt even come close to happeningand I guess I dont really know if hes even clean to begin to with. Ergh! Its just so frustrating, plus Im frustrated with myself for letting him call and upset me by saying mean things or feeling hurt when he dismisses what he put me through. I know it was awful; I know he was incredibly emotionally abusive; I know I did the right thing and Im so glad that he isnt in my life anymore, except from a distance. But why cant he just apologize??? The thing is I went through so much trying to help him, I loved him so unconditionallyits hard to watch him throw all of that away like it never happened or mattered. Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and supportits amazing what a difference they make.

And I know he has a LONG way to go in recovery, but it would just be nice if he would say that he's sorry... Not that anything every seems to be the way it should when your dealing with addicts, or recovering addicts. I know that he's acting like a child, and like and addict, not wanting to face or admit the extent of what he did while he was using, but doesn't really it bother me any less. You know?

And they sure do know exactly where to hurt you don't they?!?!

I feel for you and wish I was strong enough to leave my husband sooner than I did...which was yesterday! I just turned 28 yesterday and my husband of 2 years started drinking again after being hospitalized recently and swearing to me he wants to be and get better. He is also Bipolar and this throughs a whole nother loop in the roll a coaster. Because he was drnkning the night before my birthday I just lost it and said I don't want to live one more year of this crazy life. It sucks so bad and is so hard when you love them so very much and they are truly sick not just being jerks. I just don't get how they can be so sweet and then turn on a dime and never ever really remember or fell like they did anything wrong. I give you a lot of love for being strong and hope you will find your own happiness very soon.

After reading your posts and how he left with another girl, got mad at you for having common sense. I suggest reading the book Love Addiction by Martha Bireda. It goes into detail about why we want to be in relationships with people who don't deserve us. Why we give all only to recieve bits and pieces back.

Oh how I can relate to all of this. I truly can. It is co-dependency, it is love addiction and it is abuse. I've cut off all communication now yet I still feel sad, and guilty and still have flashes where I think "but it could have gotten better" if I just...If I just what?!!! I changed my phone number because of the abusive, abusive, abusive filth that was being sent my way and that I was actually internalising and trying to defend. And now, because I changed the number I have moments of panic thinking "oh my God" what if he needs me, what if he wants to reach out to me and I'm the last person left who cares or helps. What about all those times I needed him and his phone was lost, or broken or just switched off for days cos he was on a bender. I don't want him to have that terrible feeling of not being able to reach me. See the stupid, stupid cycle?
I have those feelings. I have had them for a long time and everytime I acted on them I went back in to the cycle, got hurt more and more - EVERY TIME - and I got no further out, no better a self esteem - no nothing. So ...he doesn't have any way of contacting me. If he's in an emergency he can call Emergency lines or any of his so called drinking/drug buddies that he chose to bring into my life and my daughters. The same buddies who trashed our house, vomited on my daughter's pretty bedding I saved up for and picked out. Clearly I've got to that point where I have had enough. Yes addicts can't help it, but those who love addicts can help...ourselves and our families. xxxx (Just a little rant from me! I needed it. I hope it added something of value for any others!) xxx

People who leave the addict, seem to keep the what if's in their mind, and seem to worry about what if the addict needs me, as I am the only one that cared and/or stayed with them, and they can reach out to me. If the addict can't get in touch with you because you moved, changed your phone number, etc., and they need help - there is help out there, they can go to or call NA or AA, the doors are always open to an addict.