Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I started having intimate relations with my husband soon after he was clean and I realized that it was too soon. I told him that I need time and to get to know him again. We have been on this roller coaster ride for 10 years.
Now, he is extremely angry with me (it has only been 3 weeks) and telling me that I am purposely freezing him out. Then just as quickly he switches gears and says he doesn't blame me and he isn't mad at me. He is back to saying that I don't support him enough, I don't say enough encouraging things.
Over this past weekend he swept the back deck and walked downtown with me and the kids to get ice cream. He said he wasn't feeling well and still did it because he is trying so hard. I thanked him but he said it required more than a thanks. I could have taken the opportunity to say something really encouraging.
He is saying by my actions, I am telling him that addiction is not a real disease and he made these choices to screw up.
We took this Monday off to spend the day together and now he is backtracking saying I rather spend the day with my friends and I should just go do that. I would have more fun anyhow and I am just forcing myself to be with him. When I tell him that isn't true, he just says Bullshit. And he ended the conversation that he isn't a charity case, just apparently a great roommate.
Got a text from him this morning that he has to rethink everything. He gave me tons of credit for coming around quickly. He thought it was because I was in love with him and I was an incredible woman. He isn't sure anymore. He did say that I am the Love of his life.
Thanks! Needed to get that out and my therapist is in a three week training program.
Now, he is extremely angry with me (it has only been 3 weeks) and telling me that I am purposely freezing him out. Then just as quickly he switches gears and says he doesn't blame me and he isn't mad at me. He is back to saying that I don't support him enough, I don't say enough encouraging things.
Over this past weekend he swept the back deck and walked downtown with me and the kids to get ice cream. He said he wasn't feeling well and still did it because he is trying so hard. I thanked him but he said it required more than a thanks. I could have taken the opportunity to say something really encouraging.
He is saying by my actions, I am telling him that addiction is not a real disease and he made these choices to screw up.
We took this Monday off to spend the day together and now he is backtracking saying I rather spend the day with my friends and I should just go do that. I would have more fun anyhow and I am just forcing myself to be with him. When I tell him that isn't true, he just says Bullshit. And he ended the conversation that he isn't a charity case, just apparently a great roommate.
Got a text from him this morning that he has to rethink everything. He gave me tons of credit for coming around quickly. He thought it was because I was in love with him and I was an incredible woman. He isn't sure anymore. He did say that I am the Love of his life.
Thanks! Needed to get that out and my therapist is in a three week training program.
either way, you have to take care of you. He needs to live sober. AND he needs to quit trying to pull the rug out from under you.
yes, no, stay, go, love me, leave me...enough.
you have to take care of yourself, the kids, a job...
I am tired just listening to all the stuff he does.
Maybe he would have been better off living in a sober living house and learning to behave in sober society without it having to be at your expense.
For your sanity's sake, either call him on this SH*t or tell him to shut up.
Quit making excuses for him...he is a grown man. Your allowing this crap is just another type of enabling. Set boundaries.
Sorry, but I just see it from this point of view.
"They have no idea their brains have been affected BECAUSE their brains have been affected."
My difficulty is mainly with my brother who, as far as I can tell, is an enabler but not a substance abuser. With the enormous defense mechanisms he's put up, I can hardly imagine the challenge of dealing with someone whose brain has been chemically altered.
It sounds like he is depending on you for his recovery and that's a problem. You didn't make him an addict and its not your job to keep him sober. That's his journey. Yes you need to be supportive and encouraging but his path to a sober life can not depend on you constantly worrying if your doing everything right.
I haven't read anything else so forgive me if I'm repeating what others said or asking a question that's been answered.
Are you in alanon? If not i recommend it. Is he in a program? Again, if not I recommend it.
You are in a sense rebuilding your relationship and that takes time and patience and work from both of you. In addition to prigrams I suggest some marriage counseling to get through some of these issues in a safe and productive environment.
The fact that there are children in the home is yet another reason to strongly reinforce that you support him, however, he must do this on his own. By becoming his crutch, you will sacrifice time & energy that those children deserve - otherwise, all they'll remember is the chaos in the house - not so much the good times. Let them know, if they're old enough, that daddy is trying really hard to make himself a better person & acknowledge that while there is an unknown, you'll always be there for them. I hope you don't take offense to this - not my attention at all - just giving you another perspective that it's not just the addict that's affected.
Here is my take....an addiction of ten or twenty years needs more then three weeks sober. Three weeks doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of their disease. And yes I believe it is a disease. It is a disease of the mind. Drug addiction is a strong mental craving.
My son is clean for 30 days right now. His treatment will be for as long as necessary. Because everyone is different. Change is repetitive behavior. I also had a husband who was an addict. He thought a few days sober and I should be grateful.
In my opinion and twenty years of rehabs and counseling they become clean...but their character is the same unless they work hard to change thru meetings and commitment. They are responsible for their own recovery. You can offer support but need to be in charge of your own. And yes we have a lot of recovering to do for ourselves. I for one will not just trust him when he comes back. Even if he is away for a year. I'm scarred I'm hurt I felt helpless. I carry narcam to revive them. You have every right to feel like you feel. It's your feeling that don't need his validation or manipulation to get what he feels he needs. You have needs too.
I know for me when I give into manipulation I end up walking away feeling like I'm not taking care of me. And that's the only person I can rely on to do that.