Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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How to handle a loved one's rehab

kimberlysusanne
kimberlysusanne
My boyfriend of 10 years, and the father of my two young sons, has been battling a crack addiction for several years. After many promises to quit, promises to change, and tear-filled apologies, I believe he is truly ready to end the hell this addiction is causing him and his family. He was recently arrested for fleeing from a police officer (he had been smoking crack on a back road), was involved in an accident in which my dad wrecked my brother-in-law's truck (they were both drinking and my 20-month-old son was in the backseat), and was borrowing money off of people we barely know and borrowing money from complete strangers so he could continue to support his habit. He has been clean and sober for a little more than two weeks, and he is currently in an in-patient rehab/hospital program. It has only been two days, and at the end of 21 days the hospital will reaccess him to determine if he needs further in-patient treatment at their rehab center or intensive outpatient treatment. I'm just wondering what my role in all this is. I've read Codependent No More and learned about his addiction, but I haven't read anything yet on how to handle him beginning the recovery process. I'm not letting him move back in with me right after rehab...I feel like he needs to transition from rehab to working on it further out of view of the kids, but other than that, I don't know where to start. How will I know when it's the right time to say, "Ok. I know this is a lifelong struggle, but I feel secure enough with your recovery to let you back into our lives and our house"? I don't know how to handle our families. My parents are alcoholics, so that is always a problem. His mom and her boyfriend are fantastic overall, but his mom drinks around Ben and her boyfriend thinks its funny to make stupid jokes like, "Let's go get a shot of whiskey." Ben says it doesn't bother him, but how could it not. It certainly bothers me--addiction is sooo nothing to joke about. Any thoughts would be appreciated. The hospital does have a family meeting on Sundays that visitors are required to attend before visiting with patients, so I'm sure many questions will be answered there as well.
katrinka
katrinka
That is terrible, when I think what could of happened with your 20 month old in the back seat, thats a scary thought. I would encourage being supportive but I agree not letting him come home until he proves he will get and stay clean is the best thing for you and your children. He has a long road ahead of him and needs to stay away from people who drink or do drugs including family until he is strong enough. I know my brother a recovering alcoholic said it was hard to be around our family at get togethers. In my family alcohol consumption is a big thing. I didn't drink but everyone else does, every get together is do we have enough beer and do we have enough kinds of beer. That can be a trigger for someone trying not to use or drink.
All you can do is wait, I would have times of getting together with him if he remains sober and clean. He hasn't had enough clean time, two weeks is nothing when it come to staying clean. Stay strong don't give in and let him prove to you he wants to get and stay clean and have his family back.
joleneLS
joleneLS
Your role is to be supportive without giving him hope for an unrealistic instantaneous transformation. My sister is actually now in an outpatient program following time in federal prison and rehab, due to a crack addiction. My mother used to talk to her and tell her how good she was doing, how she was amazing, how life was going to be waaaay better. And my sister couldn't reach all those goals. Life wasn't way better, if anything, it was harder for awhile, and she wasn't doing amazing, she didn't have the same cash flow, the same flunkies who would come running when she felt alone. Her first relapse came after her first stint in rehab when she realized that kicking the drug wasn't the hardest part of recovery. Living a life that you can see through clean eyes was.

I also agree not letting him live with you is a good idea. My sister has an apartment that the government pays for(im in Canada) and she is given about 200 bucks a month to live off of spare money. She is required to attend NA meetings five days a week, individual counseller appointments three days a week, she is subjected to random drug tests and random house searches. They are allowed to dig through her underwear if they so choose. It has honestly done wonders for her. She is starting to realize how valuable her family really is. She has lost her children, permenantly, they will never be back in her care, but she is a better mother now then she has ever been. She understands that life throws temptation after temptation in your face and you have to stay strong.

I can honestly, and a little ashamedly(is that a word? lol) say that the only time I went to visit my sister in rehab is when we were raising one of her kids. I went so her daughter could see her. Other then that I only communicated with her through letters. We said things to each other that needed to be said, but neither of us were courageous enough to say face to face.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm so pleased to see that you are looking out for the safety and welfare of your kids, especially given their young age. I agree with the others, he can come back if and when he proves he can walk the talk. I've seen a lot of posts saying perhaps one year - obviously you will need to decide what timeframe is right for you. He can still be a Dad and have a relationship with his kids without living with them.

I would kick all unhelpful family members to the kerb, but that's just me. I have a particularly unhelpful family so am always biased on this issue. Truth is, while it is nice to have contact with parents, in-laws etc, and if we can get practical support and friendship, even better, if they cause distress and problems, and repeatedly let us down, they become optional extras, in my book. My mother was causing ongoing upset and I am having a nice long 'break' from her. It's so peaceful and calm, it's wonderful.