I have had these same thoughts so many times. And our addict son played on my motherly instincts and manipulated me so many times. He spent his 30th birthday in jail and that was difficult. All through his twenties I hoped and prayed that some day he would "get it." That he would connect with a job, a career. I made so many excuses for him and gave him money, paid his phone, loans, etc. All the time I was enabling his addiction. On his 30th birthday, I finally "got it."

He tried to guilt us for having a nice life. He could have had a nice life too. I can't fix him. Believe me I tried. They only way I can help now is to tell him I love him and let go. He has to fix himself. You can't fix your son. You didn't make him an addict. Let go.

I, too, know what you mean about other people's kids. They are having beautiful grand kids, the kids have fabulous jobs and homes and their lives seem perfect. Well, some times their lives aren't so perfect. Some times they don't talk about what is really going on. I know people thought we had perfect, awesome kids because I was hiding the truth.
Once the truth came out, I found out just how many of us have family member and friends with the disease of addiction.

The days will be sunnier. Hang in there and be strong.

I am sorry. hug

I believe there are many many families dealing with addiction problems -some as just not as obvious or as progressed.
Addiction is an epidemic --so therefore just about everyone is effected to some degree with someone in the family. Many in denial, not so bad, all is fine nonsense, coverup etc. The difficulty is those who appear somewhat ok will most likely deny the disease (addict and the family)and it will progress making it harder to recover along with all the harm along the way.

Thank you all for the hugs and the support. He is still at this 'motel' and working off his nightly stays by doing work around the place for the owner. smh....just a vicious cyle. And I have to wonder if he is even telling me anything close to the truth. :(

Sometimes it's like I'm living with 'two' of me. The one who KNOWS it has nothing to do with me, it was his choice, I love him but won't enable him any further. And the other who wonders what she could've done differently, cries alone, doesn't show any weakness to anyone around her but when alone, cries, and worries in silence.

And I wonder if I haven't 'closed my circle' of friends because of it all. Because when your in a room and someone brings up someone elses loved one who's a 'junkie' or someone who overdosed and hear the comments that are just so hard to take and inside your screaming in your own head and just want to shake them, it's easier to keep to yourself and not have to hear. Where i use to be the MOST outgoing person ALWAYS in the cast of thousands and the life of the party (even though I don't drink lol).

They don't understand how one persons' addiction can change the lives of those around them.

I just appreciate there is one place I can get it out and everyone understands what I'm going through. So THANK YOU all for the support.

I can relate so well to your pain. I too was one of the most fun loving, outgoing people in our group. My son's illness has left me traumatized and all consumed with his disease. It is easy to say it is not our fault and the decisions are theirs, however, the fact remains that somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong! Although my son has stopped using the opiates that almost killed him (I hope). He is now under the care of a psychiatrist. He has prescribed him psych meds. Although better than before, he is not the same child I raised. It is almost like we are mourning our children yet they continue to walk the earth. I pray for peace for all of us who are dealing with addicting family members. I get comfort from this forum and am thankful for all of you who share your stories. Non judgemental!

This is my first time in this group, and boy I needed to hear from all of you as I can relate. We recently found out about our 22 year old son's addiction after being admitted to a mental hospital. We thought all the issues the past 2 years we have been having with him - lying, manipulating, bad behavior were all bipolar. Granted there may be some of that but it is not the main issue. Things the past couple of weeks have been hell for my husband and I and other family members. Everything you say about a mom is so true and I find it so for my husband as well. We know we need to not enable him, he is an adult and these are his choices, yet we feel the parent guilt and where did I go wrong? I feel I am grieving my son also and cried too many tears the past few weeks. Where did that cute, loving, funny kid go? He is now manipulative, lying, verbally abusive, no responsibility - I HATE drugs and what they do to the person and others all around them. I am just sick. Hugs to all of you and thank goodness we have each other to relate to.

Earlybird, so glad you found this group! They have been my savior for the past years and this sad journey of our son. BUT had it not been for here, I don't think I would've survived this long.

It is a roller coaster ride of emotions and we learn hard lessons as well. The worst of it is having to learn NOT to enable the addict, but love the person still. It's like walking a tightrope.

If you feel burdened, please be sure to seek therapy for yourself. I did for about a month, but the Dr. asked me why I was there as he thought I was a okay and handling everything properly. LOL..THAT was a good sign. ..so it's not easy for us Moms' by a long shot.

You GOTTA take care of YOU. What ever happens, happens, you couldn't have done this or that or made the difference. Only THEY can be the ones to make themselves better.

Once a week, I made it a point to do something for ME! Whether it be a nice home clay facial, doing my nails, whatever, I take time still for ME! So take time for YOU!

Hugs and Prayers!

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I did just recently start therapy myself and will definitely attempt to take your advice on doing one thing for myself each week. Right now the wounds are still so fresh and my emotions are raw. I will make a point to get out tomorrow though with a friend to do something. Thank you.

hopingfor..thank you for articulating my feelings exactly about my son.

This type of life is so hard...and the "jealousy" that you mentioned of others consumes me too on a daily basis. I'm always asking WHY US?

What I have seen is it doesn't matter how they are raised good or bad...because my nephew was raised in 1/2 million dollar home...good upbringing...my son..raised in a poor home...both of them are addicts.

My nephews sister is a Nurse at 22 and doing well. The addiction grabs certain predispostioned people and it has nothing to do with how we raised them. Although it is hard to believe or accept that.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ . . ." ~ 2 Corinthians 10:5

You may notice my UserName, "MomOfAStranger". I, too, felt as if my son had become someone I didn't know. Indeed, he had. The power of addiction can completely alter a person, from the inside out. The chemical changes that take place in the brain cause the addict's mental functioning to become "rewired". They are thinking and reasoning through the filter of chemical substance and everything becomes warped. They may think they're completely normal, but we know differently.

When our son entered rehab last summer shortly before his 29th birthday, we had just about given up hope that we would ever recognize the once wonderful son we used to know. When he left home at 18, he was intelligent, motivated, self-supporting, employed full-time, disciplined, pleasant . . . all in all, a delightful person. All of that very quickly evaporated when he started drinking and using drugs within his first year out on his own.

We did a lot of the "right" things as parents . . . we set a good example {neither of us ever smoked, drank, or used drugs}; we worked hard; I was a full-time stay-at-home Mom; we were involved with church & constructive activities including little league football and Royal Rangers {a sort of Christian boy scouts}; etc.

What we never counted on was the power of free will and the power of substance abuse and its ability to alter a person entirely. For over 10 years, we watched our son self-destruct. He became angry and belligerent; never held a job for any length of time {when he chose to work at all}; moved from place to place and girlfriend to girlfriend; lied, stole, and used everyone he knew; was arrested 3 different times . . . twice for drugs, once for assault {as a result of being wasted}; and ended up in jail, which thankfully became his turning point {mainly because by that point everyone was done with him}.

He entered a Christ-based rehab last summer and his life has turned around. We thank God for this every day, yet there is still a tug of doubt as we hold our breath. After more than 10 years of watching the self-destruction, we became conditioned to waiting for the bottom to fall out - again. He appears to be back on track but we know full well that we have absolutely no control over whatever course his life takes at this point.

You are 100% right . . . your son's choices are NOT your fault or anyone else's. We Moms MUST force ourselves - and it takes lots of practice - to stop thinking of our children as "children" and think of them as the adults they are. If we removed the fact that they are our children and treated them as any other 25-year-old or 29-year-old or whatever, we would behave quite differently. We wouldn't put up with their crap for one minute.

Still, we are Moms. I, too, struggle with my imagination running away and striking fear into my heart. This, I find, is a time to practice self-discipline. I have to remove the emotion from it all and put my trust solely in the Lord. "Casting down imaginations" and "bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" takes GREAT effort! Some days it's harder than other days.

I have found the "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence" devotional by Sarah Young to be extremely helpful to me. It helps me remain focused on and trusting in Christ:

http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Calling-Enjoying-Peace-Presence/dp/1591451884/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423492332&sr=1-1&keywords=calling+jesus

Remember this:
1. You were and are a good Mom
2. Your son is an adult & your responsibility to him is over
3. God was and is a GREAT God
4. God has your son in His Hand, always
5. God has you in His Hand, always

There are no guarantees, but the sooner we release our adult children completely to God, the sooner things will change. It may get really ugly for a while, but if there is any hope for our adult children at all, the hope lies in allowing God to do whatever He deems necessary in their lives. Our job is to let go and trust Him.

We're in this together . . . we're all still learning!

*hugs & prayers*

You have articulated all our fear, anger, frustration and disappointment so beautifully - your words resonate perfectly. We have been there. We are there with you.

Please allow yourself to see that you have a good life, and don't let your son's poor choices take that away from you. He is a part of your life, and always will be, but you don't own his tragedy, any more than those other families own their kids' awesome successes.

Still, I sure know what you mean about the feelings of jealousy. I see mothers of kids my son went to school with and I pretend I don't recognize them and walk the other way so I don't have to face questions about how my son is doing. Even though I am proud of my son for being clean for 2 months, it's not exactly the kind of thing you want to brag about.

Isn't this group such a blessing for all of us? A safe place for us to share our stories, where we can pour our hearts out to others who understand and care. Thanks so much for your awesome contributions!

Well said, Ani99. Thank you for reminding us that we as parents truly can't take credit for how our children "turn out", good or bad. A close family member raised his children in a virtually godless home yet they both turned out to be responsible, productive individuals. We raised our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord but ended up with 2 addict.

I am so grateful for the encouragement I find on this site!

I agree, it's taken me a LONG time to realize it was nothing we did. It lays in his own hands of the choices he makes. We taught him all the life lessons, right from wrong, and when he was a child, funny story, HE was the one to tell the teachers at Preschool that mommy smoked drugs, hence them taking me into a conference and finding out he was talking about cigarettes as he KNEW that nicotine is a drug....smh....who knew right?

And yet I see friends who are divorced, mother is a full blown alcoholic, Dad is a grounded individual but she had full custody and yet with all the drama, that child is AMAZINGLY successful.

I see another couple that are awesome people, religious, grounded and they have three addict children.

So, it is all in their own hands.

I ALWAYS taught my son you 'are who you hang with' and that was a battle in his teen years. And no matter HOW you try to keep them apart, they find a draw to each other.

His counselor said to me the other day: "your son is a beautiful young man, so handsome, so smart, so happy, so sweet. He chose an awful path, that now we need to teach him to redirect. It is nothing you or your husband did, HE chose this life, not you." I appreciated her kind words, but truthful words.

Prayers to us all for strength to do what we can, what we need to and that our loved ones find their path back from this evil drug.

I know what you mean. My oldest son turns 30 this year in August & I have NO idea where he is, or if he is still alive. No, it's not our fault. I went through that too. Were you the best mom you could be? I assume the answer is "yes", so you don't need to feel guilty, but I do understand it. Been there, done that. They are in control of their own lives & decisions once they turn 18. My youngest who just turned 22 has a drinking problem, & were tackling that right now. I felt like a TOTAL failure as a mom for a long time. I was a good mom, and did the best I could. I think a lot of the young adults today were exposed to way too much violence on TV, movies, music, the internet, etc..& it has desensitized them. We couldn't have shielded them from all that. Hang in there & pray, pray, pray, its the only thing that got me through this nightmare.