Anne, i feel for you so much because i am going through the same thing. The difference is i met my boyfriend 2 yrs ago because we were both smoking crack. I had just started it was new to me, I had lost everything and it helped with the pain mentally and physically. But it began to destroy me in every way. So I got christian counseling and stopped. But I wanted to help my boyfriend so I continued to enable him for months. I prayed for a miracle and thought I got it when he went out of town for a job. He got away from the dealers he ran with and he was finally clean. He said he felt alive for the first time since he had done different drugs all his life. He came back and I let him move in so he could stay away from the lifestyle he had been living and get on his feet. Well it's been about 7 months, and he only lasted two months before he relapsed. At first one weekend a month, doing crack. He told me and felt so awful and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, since I understand the addiction and how it takes over your mind and soul. But the next two times he did meth again once a month. Well last month he again disappeared for hours and ended up doing meth all weekend, and only told me after I confronted him. After that, I was sure he continued to use every day except for the two days he will always sleep it off. But he lied and said no. Well I found his burned foil several times, and when I realized he was doing it in the bathroom of my home, it really angered and frightened me. When he left for "work" (i dont even know if he's working anymore because he was helping me with the bills for a while, but the money got less and less till last week he asked ME for money), I called and asked if he'd been using. He finally admitted it, so I told him please don't come back. It was so hard, I've asked him to leave before but he promised he would do better and it wasn't my fault. But it has still damaged my self esteem so much that my life has become nonexistent and his problems and needs have taken me over till I feel the life has been totally sucked out of me. He asked for another chance yesterday but I said no, please stay away, I can't take the lying, and he admitted he has been using me for a place to stay. After months, I was strong enough to tell him to leave. Well, he showed up last night and wouldn't leave and crashed on the couch. I'm afraid now if I push him he will hurt me because he is desparate for a place to stay. I have to ignore my fear though and somehow get him out because it has come to the point I am more fearful of him and my life being destroyed than I am afraid of being alone and missing the man I have loved. I know he loves me but the drug has taken over and it destroys their feelings, they can't see what they're doing to people, they only care about the drug and it will just get worse. He started out managing it so that I wasn't sure and would cover the signs by smoking weed or alcohol or muscle relaxers. But the drug will take over, there is no hiding its effects after a while. And the caring and love they may have for you disappears as the addiction takes over their thoughts and destroys their mind. I feel for people who are married to addicts, I know there is a commitment there you can't just walk away from, but I highly recommend to anyone who is seeing someone on this destructive drug to get out while they can, put him out so maybe he can get help, but if he doesnt want it, at least to save yourself. Please take care of yourself and love him from a distance or cut him out of your heart completely. I don't mean to sound harsh, I have been torn apart by this because I love him, and also the guilt of what if I could help or what will happen if he's on the street? Well you cannot help someone who doesnt want it, they will only use you more till you are destroyed. It is sad because I know how it does you, I know he'd like to quit, but he will not get the help he needs. So it will be a constant cycle of highs followed by the binging, then the crash, then the depression and guilt, then the irritability all making you feel like it's your fault somehow... then the need to cover the bad feelings which leads them right back to the high. I want him to get better, but the lying and betrayal and maybe even cheating has about destroyed any feelings I have for him. I honestly hate him now sometimes. And I can't help him as a friend when he is here making my life hell. Please do remember I was able to stop so I don't want to say there is no hope, but I wanted help and I had hit bottom. I hope others can give you more encouragement and I pray he gets help, but this is just my experience. I hope it helps and I will be praying for you.

You are taking care of you and recognizing that you cannot force him to do what you know he needs to do. That is the best thing you can do for both of you. Only he can make the decision when he's ready to admit he can't do this on his own and seek help. It is so hard to know what we can or should do to help them, loving and supporting from a distance and letting him be responsible for his actions is an amazing show of strength from you. Be proud of yourself that you are able to see things so clearly now, before you married and started a family. ((hugs)) to you

Wow...it's like reading my exact thoughts. I know exactly how you feel. A part of you wants to just cut it off completely in order to make him do what he needs to do. But then the other part of you is longing for him to stay so you can help him. I am in the same situation with my BF and it has been very exhausting. I, too had never had experience with someone who was addicted to drugs. When I met him, he had just got out of a year long treatment program so he was clean and sober. I fell in love with "that" person. He managed to stay sober for 3.5 years and then made a bad choice one night and that led to his relapse that he has not yet recovered from for over a year and a half. So many times we have tried to get him to go back to a program but he refuses. Ultimately they have to want to go in themselves. They can only thrive in treatment if they are in there willingly. Or so I've been told.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice. One of the most common advice people have been giving me is... Either move on without him or if you can't bring yourself to do that...you can continue to love him from a distance and be there for him for guidance (without giving him money) but don't make him your first priority. They tell me not to put my life on hold for him.

Be strong and take care of YOU.

Hugs