Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My Son started spiraling out of control last year at his father's who's the biggest enabler this side of the hemisphere. I just don't get it, perhaps it's because he's gotten as sick as he is, got a low IQ, or his own life is spiraling out of control (filing for bankruptcy) but I believe all of this was the enabling system that contributed to my Son's disease progressing. This was a perfect environment for the "addict" to thrive and boy did it ever! I had to take a step back because they both treated me badly anytime I wanted to come in and change things and it got to the point that I believed my hands were tied. I was going crazy participating in the chaos without results so I decided to take a step back and get help. I drew boundaries and hired a Psychologist w/ 30 years experience in addiction and did his Doctorate thesis on behavior modification. I wanted to work with someone who understood my Son's disease to help me thru the storm but to also learn how to help him where I could. Been seeing him for 5 months consistently and it was the best thing I did for myself. I had to learn to set boundaries and get healthy again so I could have the strength and confidence in myself to help him when I was ready and where I could with the direction of my Psychologist.
My ex-husband's girlfriend kept me abreast of all that was going during that time and all I could was remain strong, healthy and pray every night. Missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with him because of all the chaos and then his birthday came in January. He finally decided to "cooperate" w/ his Dad and go to rehab yet again (been to over 10-15) mainly because of his probation and the new strict officer. The rehab center's housing was essentially sober living and separate from the center. They had strict rules but still had a lot of freedom. His birthday came around in January and they were having a BBQ for him at the house. I missed my Son and wanted to see him, I was grateful to God he was still alive and wanted to celebrate, this was ok w/ my Dr. being that he was in rehab so I went. The next day the house director calls to tell me he was being kicked out of the house because they found drugs in his room. He said he and 4 other boys got high that night and couldn't even walk per the cameras. He managed to get kicked out of yet ANOTHER program on his 22nd birthday and break my heart again.
My ex-husband took him back home against my wishes (AGAIN), gave him his phone and gave him money for a "date" just two days later. THIS is what you do with an heroin addict who's 22 year old and is an IV user?!?!? Sure enough he found him shooting up in his room and went crazy on him. The chaos had started again. This time I was fed up! my Son was going to die. So I did what I could do even though they were some of the most difficult things I've had to do. 1. I called his probation officer and made him aware of what's been going on w/ my Son and his environment. 2. Sent his judge a compelling letter and asked for a hearing which I got. 3. Called police to go over to their home and told them I was terrified for his life, that he had just been kicked out of rehab, was found shooting up in his room and that he was on probation. They knew exactly who he was and they went there. They scared him enough to make him go to detox which he did now knowing he had an impending hearing in front of his judge as well in a few weeks. He gave me a release at detox because he knew Mom was in charge now NOT the drugs or his Dad and he was fearful. This was now an opportunity to get him out of that environment, get the right care w/ the Doctor I had been seeing (which I had prayed for) and teach him about accountability. He left detox and entered my Doctor's program, it was not another rehab center, it was one on one IOP with the best Psychologist and Psychiatrist, group meetings, sober living and FAMILY therapy. My Dr. convinced my ex husband to come in for two family sessions (just him and I) and talked about enabling (conditioning/reinforcing) and the plan is to continue so we can all get on the same page and break the conditioning.
He did well there for six days and then the hearing took place this past Wednesday. It was just my Son and I (the father didn't go because he's also afraid of the judge since the judge identified him as an enabler years ago). I thanked the judge for hearing the matter and proceed to explain what had been going on, told the court I was TERRIFIED for my Son's life.
She said she read my letter, thanked me and asked my Son to drop urine. He came back positive for THC and we now had a probation violation before us. Surprisingly to me, we found out her office had just received a violation from his probation officer a few days prior as well.
Judge said she was done with him, took him into custody and set it for hearing in a month (no bail). Asked me to look for a 90-day residential program so I'm assuming he will be allowed to go there on the day of his hearing. My Son of course blamed me even though he had already be violated (I didn't know that) and I told him it was not my fault, told him this was all a consequence of his using. On the way out the DA approached me and said to me that I was doing the right thing. To look for a residential program and allow the Public Defender to present the plan which I'm adding and additional 8 months of outpatient and sober living thru my Doctor's center to make it a total of 12 months of therapy and distance from his Father's environment.
My Son was initially angry with me but his Dad also told him this was not my fault and a result of his choices. Even though he also has a big part in this, it was the right message for my Son. He MUST learn to grow and be accountable for his choices and actions. Jail has a humbling effect on people so he's decided he's no longer angry with me. He calls me and I saw him yesterday. Four weeks in jail cannot be fun and there are risks however, the risk he was facing outside those four walls was one I couldn't bare. I had to listen to my doctor and instinct, I had to stop the chaos long enough to give us time to put together a best plan for him and hopefully allow him to think about things and hopefully grow up.
My expectations remain at eye level but my hope will never burn out so long as my Son is alive. I will have the courage to make the tough calls, will continue to learn and educate myself of his disease, continue to work to find the best treatment, do all I can within my community and most importantly take care of myself because without a strong, healthy and clear minded Mom my Son doesn't have a shot.
Moving forward on Life's terms.....
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - Corinthians 13: 4-8
My ex-husband's girlfriend kept me abreast of all that was going during that time and all I could was remain strong, healthy and pray every night. Missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with him because of all the chaos and then his birthday came in January. He finally decided to "cooperate" w/ his Dad and go to rehab yet again (been to over 10-15) mainly because of his probation and the new strict officer. The rehab center's housing was essentially sober living and separate from the center. They had strict rules but still had a lot of freedom. His birthday came around in January and they were having a BBQ for him at the house. I missed my Son and wanted to see him, I was grateful to God he was still alive and wanted to celebrate, this was ok w/ my Dr. being that he was in rehab so I went. The next day the house director calls to tell me he was being kicked out of the house because they found drugs in his room. He said he and 4 other boys got high that night and couldn't even walk per the cameras. He managed to get kicked out of yet ANOTHER program on his 22nd birthday and break my heart again.
My ex-husband took him back home against my wishes (AGAIN), gave him his phone and gave him money for a "date" just two days later. THIS is what you do with an heroin addict who's 22 year old and is an IV user?!?!? Sure enough he found him shooting up in his room and went crazy on him. The chaos had started again. This time I was fed up! my Son was going to die. So I did what I could do even though they were some of the most difficult things I've had to do. 1. I called his probation officer and made him aware of what's been going on w/ my Son and his environment. 2. Sent his judge a compelling letter and asked for a hearing which I got. 3. Called police to go over to their home and told them I was terrified for his life, that he had just been kicked out of rehab, was found shooting up in his room and that he was on probation. They knew exactly who he was and they went there. They scared him enough to make him go to detox which he did now knowing he had an impending hearing in front of his judge as well in a few weeks. He gave me a release at detox because he knew Mom was in charge now NOT the drugs or his Dad and he was fearful. This was now an opportunity to get him out of that environment, get the right care w/ the Doctor I had been seeing (which I had prayed for) and teach him about accountability. He left detox and entered my Doctor's program, it was not another rehab center, it was one on one IOP with the best Psychologist and Psychiatrist, group meetings, sober living and FAMILY therapy. My Dr. convinced my ex husband to come in for two family sessions (just him and I) and talked about enabling (conditioning/reinforcing) and the plan is to continue so we can all get on the same page and break the conditioning.
He did well there for six days and then the hearing took place this past Wednesday. It was just my Son and I (the father didn't go because he's also afraid of the judge since the judge identified him as an enabler years ago). I thanked the judge for hearing the matter and proceed to explain what had been going on, told the court I was TERRIFIED for my Son's life.
She said she read my letter, thanked me and asked my Son to drop urine. He came back positive for THC and we now had a probation violation before us. Surprisingly to me, we found out her office had just received a violation from his probation officer a few days prior as well.
Judge said she was done with him, took him into custody and set it for hearing in a month (no bail). Asked me to look for a 90-day residential program so I'm assuming he will be allowed to go there on the day of his hearing. My Son of course blamed me even though he had already be violated (I didn't know that) and I told him it was not my fault, told him this was all a consequence of his using. On the way out the DA approached me and said to me that I was doing the right thing. To look for a residential program and allow the Public Defender to present the plan which I'm adding and additional 8 months of outpatient and sober living thru my Doctor's center to make it a total of 12 months of therapy and distance from his Father's environment.
My Son was initially angry with me but his Dad also told him this was not my fault and a result of his choices. Even though he also has a big part in this, it was the right message for my Son. He MUST learn to grow and be accountable for his choices and actions. Jail has a humbling effect on people so he's decided he's no longer angry with me. He calls me and I saw him yesterday. Four weeks in jail cannot be fun and there are risks however, the risk he was facing outside those four walls was one I couldn't bare. I had to listen to my doctor and instinct, I had to stop the chaos long enough to give us time to put together a best plan for him and hopefully allow him to think about things and hopefully grow up.
My expectations remain at eye level but my hope will never burn out so long as my Son is alive. I will have the courage to make the tough calls, will continue to learn and educate myself of his disease, continue to work to find the best treatment, do all I can within my community and most importantly take care of myself because without a strong, healthy and clear minded Mom my Son doesn't have a shot.
Moving forward on Life's terms.....
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - Corinthians 13: 4-8
Jail for my son, gave me a chance to sleep well at night, have regular communication with him and know he was reasonably safe, fed and sober. It was awful, but better than life on the loose.
I really hope this works. By all reasonable thought processes, it should....right? I hope HE decides that HE wants to be sober. That will clinch it...we hope.
Never give up. And bless those boundaries. We need them in so many spaces in our lives. Keep on taking care of you.
The only thing I can do is give it my 100% I have no control of the rest. And I can only give 100% when I am healthy, learning and focused, not when drowning in emotions and in their disease.
May God Bless our loved ones and those we've lost. To say this is a nightmare to a Mother is minute to what it looks like and how it feels. I wish no person or family should ever have to endure this. It's gut wrenching like being skinned alive constantly. It's torture. Yet we must fight to keep the light burning for our loved ones (but not participate in the madness). Let's pray every effort we make sparks a change.
Blessings on Blessings to all.