Kids mature later now a days then in the past. Boys especially mature later so your son really doesn't have a clue how to prepare for his adult hood. A lot of kids graduate high school and don't realize how life really is. A lot are not prepared.
I hear you saying you will not cave. I can't help but read in your post that he is ill prepared for life. He is out there sink or swim and not all swim. I was kicked out of home when I was 18, sink or swim. The funny part was, I was the good kid. I didn't drink or do drugs. I stay out all night with my bf. Looking back that was dumb, but I already had graduated from high school, had a full time job and had to pay board at home. So I felt like I rented my bedroom. I was young and not fully prepared for the world.
From your previous post it sounds to me like your son could use a dual diagnosis and see if he has some other problems. They know that even if the mother didn't do drugs or drink, a child can develop other things from the dad's sperm. In psy class out teacher told us of a child was really acting out and the counselors didn't understand why, it turned out although mom didn't so drugs his biological father did. Because the drugs were also in the sperm the child had some extreme ADHD problems.
I think your son needs guidance he really hasn't a clue what to do.

I can so relate to you right now....I have a son who has no direction, no job, clothes everywhere, and can't seem to get it together to figure anything out. He doesn't have the skill set to find a direction either. He was to "high" in his last years of high school to learn any of the life skills to form a resume and learn the interviewing skills......

To be honest I'm not sure what to offer you. I know for my sanity, and my families sanity I can not let my son move back, and I can not "fix" his issues. He does have a dual diagnosis of ADHD and it can be the same thought process with drugs.....unless you WANT the help, or to take medication, or learn the coping skills it isn't going to happen.


I listen to my son, offer some suggestions of places HE can go for help, offer to help him find a counselor, and then put the responsiblity back on him to set anything up or actually go and get to the appointment.

I know he doesn't like his life the way it is but he won't give up smoking pot either or get consistant help.

These thoughts are in my head constantly....If I think it's a lot to comprehend and I'm an adult how does he feel as a 20 yr old with fines, no license, etc etc. on his shoulders.

On the flip side.....my son doesn't have a problem getting rides anywhere or finding a couch to put his head on, or getting fed....I think he could also find the help he needed IF he just put some thought and effort into that too.

So I guess I'm just saying through my rambling hang in there....I know how you are feeling.....I will pray for BOTH of our boys that they will find direction.

Stay strong and know that "fixing" things for him hasn't worked in the past.

He does pose a good question but I'm not sure it's our place to figure it out?????

Darla

For a job, he just needs a legal residence for paperwork - he doesn't need to actually live there - and I doubt they can or will check. For the clothes thing, he just needs a suitcase. And he has his dad's place if he wants to stay somewhere right away or there are half and 3/4-way houses that give people a place to stay while they get back on their feet. It's hard - I would be feeling some panic if I were him, but these are all easily fixable things and it seems like it's the drive to want to take care of themselves and handle things themselves that is missing sometimes. There is a lot of hope in his situation if he wants to find it...

Katrinka, he was out of the house at 17 as he graduated high school one year early to go into the navy at 17, which he did. He had it ALL...at 18 he got his license, bought his own car, paid it off 6 months later and then was deployed overseas on an aircraft carrier, had a kick butt job as an electronics technician, graded VERY high on his scores and test scores, made a 2 pay grade rise in one year....then he came back from deployment and finished his contracted time at 19 1/2 from the Navy, opted NOT to re-up (we tried to convince him to stay in, retire at age 37 WITH a pension REALLY?)...but he 'knew better'....so he KNOWS how to live and how to balance his check book and pay his bills on time etc, he has the life skills he needs, but when he got home, he got in with this 'girl' and it was down hill from there.....THIS is the whole sad part is he was on a fast track with the military. AND he enjoyed it.

He does say he wishes he NEVER came out.....I'm trying to talk him into going back in, but he wants to 'do 2 years of college to reenter as an officer'....he HAD that shot in the fall, good college, awesome dorms, small class sizes, personal attention from the professors and a friend od'd that he use to use with and it threw him, he told me, I suggested that he go for counseling RIGHT AWAY, but he said he was okay...it was THEN that he started using again, he felt 'guilty" about her death, that it was his fault...you WOULD think that would be a big red light for most people to NOT use EVER again, but just the opposite (excuses)...

So he functions very well, he only functioned poorly when the drugs came into play. Prior to that he was highly functioning...yeah he would have his 'drunken' nights on base with the 'boys' but nothing out of the ordinary it seemed and with his rise in pay grades and his test scores that I physically saw and spending time on the ship with his commander and hearing how he was doing, it was apparent he was fine then...I'm hoping that he will go to the recruiter and talk to them, he is worried about the fed offense he has for possession, but like I told him a VERY high percent of our military has criminal backgrounds and that they have gone in to get away from all that and get squared away, which majority does.

Today I have had two calls from places he has sent resumes too, evidentally he updated it but missed the phone number. LOL...

I was just having a weak moment this morning....it wasn't such a good day yesterday, we had a friend that died suddenly Sat night and just found out yesterday :O(.....they don't know what happened yet, it is sketchy so that touched off my weakness....

Thanks for all the good advice all, as always you're all in my prayers!

If he has been into drugs and alcohol, it would be appropriate to enourage him to got to rehab, first, because getting your life together will take more than a job and car. First things first. Maybe that idea hasnt popped into his head.Good luck!

Hi Ross Homes,

He has been in and out of rehab 3 times now. He even had a chance to get into a wonderful sober living home and have employment as well, which he just flatly refused to do with tons of excuses. I took him personally at his request 2times out of 3 to the rehab and he checked in, but he would stay for about 4-5 days and then check himself out and the old GF would go get him and it would cycle again. So it isn't as if he hasn't been to rehab at all, he has, he has attended many meetings as well and he was attending meetings while in school this past fall....

So we didn't skip that part at all.

Your son is a veteran and he is homeless and in need of a job. There are lots of organizations that help veterans in his situation.

One of my favorite organizations is IAVA (Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America). I checked their web site and found this:


The National Veterans Foundation serves the crisis management, information and referral needs of all U.S. Veterans and their families through its toll-free helpline: 1-888-777-4443 (available daily 9AM-9PM PST). Outreach services also provide veterans and families in need with food, clothing, transportation, employment, and other essential resources.

IAVA also can provide referrals to other veterans organizations that provide the support he needs. Your community may also have organizations that help homeless men find jobs and prepare for interviews, etc. I'd start with the veteran groups first, though.

I agree with bhamguy. He can put your address down as a permanent legal address. If he has a cell phone, he could use that number. He can store some nice interview clothes at your home and you could let him come home to shower and change clothes to get ready for an interview. That's not the same as letting him live there.

Donna, thank you for that website, I checked it out too, it has tons of info. He has SO many benefits from the VA and needs to start using them (not something we HAVEn't discussed but...LOL)....hadn't seen this though...I forwarded it to him to check out and hopefully I can 'subtly' guide him towards making some calls.

Thanks again! ;O)

My son in-law came back from Iraq with post tramatic stress syndrome. He had to see a counselor for awhile and is on meds now. With the meds he holds down a fantastic job, his mood isn't so all over the place and he can focus. Like someone else said VA does have rehab places also. My nephew went to one in VA. http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

oops, sorry for the assumptions. Wish there were easier solutions out there.I wish you all the best.
Ross

Hi Ross, no worries, it's hard to know the whole story with so many posts out here...wish there weren't so many people posting cuz that would mean there where no problems ;O)...here's to wishful thinking!