Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm posting alot today, I know....after some self therapy, the one thing I'm hanging onto is the guilt. The guilt that I have is this.
I feel guilty because I have a wonderful life. A beautiful home, just redid the carpets in the living room downstairs, which is where our son lived, redid his room, the bathroom....everything downstairs has fresh paint and carpet, it looks soooo nice now! When I sit down to eat a meal I've cooked up for my husband and myself, my mind goes to 'i feel guilty for having such an awesome meal, I wonder what he has been eating if anything at all...." All my bills are paid and taxes done "has he done his taxes, his bills are piled so high i'm sure'....
I feel guilty for my wonderful life! I have a wonderful husband who's heart is silently breaking and I am so strong in front of him, but aching inside with guilt of having so much and our son having nothing.
Now that I write this, I know this, it is HIS CHOICE to live outside the small boundaries that we set: Get a job, keep your room clean, flush the toilet when done (which was a NIGHTMARE most of the times, it was always chock full and overflowed constantly just disgusting!) Help out with the chores, be in at a decent hour as we get up at 4:30 am for work....once your in, that is it, no going out at 2 am (as to which THAT was a huge sign of doing something you shouldn't be doing)...no sleep over guests (it's not a hotel)...and he did NONE of that....he broke every simple house rule we put down....dishes under his bed, food in his closet, clothes everywhere, doing loads of laundry as he didn't know what was clean or dirty (we bought him a 400.00/9 drawer chest for his room by the way that he didn't put ANYTHING in)....I ended up doing the cleaning, cooking etc and all this after a 50 hour week...really? And NO JOB EVER! And let's not forget the girls that he had stay over when we where home, not asking, and me going downstairs to see a girl coming out of his bathroom. REALLY?
Why do I feel guilty that I have so much when we WORK SO HARD for what we have and that he has nothing as he doesn't work to achieve ANYTHING?
I shouldn't feel guilty I know, but as a mother, I do.
We all forge our own lives, our own way of life. We don't use medications EVER, never have, both my husband and I are the type that if we're taking an aspirin, you KNOW there is something wrong...LOL....we work hard every day, the house is immaculate, the laundry always done, food always in the fridge. Food on the table clothes on our backs...
I was a single mother for 10 years with my son, I worked my butt off and he ALWAYS had a lovely home, new clothes and the latest sneakers, always had books, toys and loads of love....I was always at his school for all events.....as a single mother, I did awesome. I got NO CHILD SUPPORT from his 'father'. There was NEVER a time I was out of work. He had family around him, his grandfather and grandmother (my parents) were ALWAYS there for him....my sister and her family ALWAYS there.....He saw a hard working, deeply loving mother....so how the HELL can he expect to sit on his laurels and do nothing and get ANYWHERE?
He had it all this fall, college paid for by his GI bill, the dorm paid for his meals paid for, the ONLY thing he had to do was his school work and he couldn't even do THAT! He flunked out of all 4 classes he was taking in the 1st semester! He puts the blame on a friend that OD'd....you would THINK that would be a catalyst to do BETTER!
But I can't shake this ridiculous guilt of having so much and denying him of that. I know it is not denial, it is boundaries, it is taking back our lives, restoring harmony in my marriage in my life.....
I haven't shut him off, I am keeping him at a big distance. I will NOT bail him out of jail, I will NOT allow him to live here for a week.....
His father, after 20 years of not seeing his child, is back in the picture with his mother. I told my son to seek help from them, he needs to rely on them now. I will not enable, nor help him out of any situation that he has gotten himself into due to his poor choices. WHY am I paying everytime for something HE does.
I brought him into the city to go to the "Dr's" which I think, he never confirmed, that it was a methadone clinic and the place doesn't have a website, nor where they forthcoming when I called them....and I got a $120.00 parking ticket (I did fight it as there where no signs where I parked and yet I still lost) My fault, yeah whatever, so I paid it, but I wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for him asking for a ride, I should've put him on the train. i HATE going into the city for ANYTHING!
That is just the tip of the iceberg....
But back to the issue...guilt....why can't we let go of our Mommy Guilt? When does it end? When does it become THEIR life?
Sorry this was so long, I guess when we post it is more therapy when we re-read and I'm sure that I'm not the only one feeling this guilt.
I want to ENJOY MY LIFE....for GODS SAKE, I'm 52, I've EARNED the right to enjoy my life haven't I?
I feel guilty because I have a wonderful life. A beautiful home, just redid the carpets in the living room downstairs, which is where our son lived, redid his room, the bathroom....everything downstairs has fresh paint and carpet, it looks soooo nice now! When I sit down to eat a meal I've cooked up for my husband and myself, my mind goes to 'i feel guilty for having such an awesome meal, I wonder what he has been eating if anything at all...." All my bills are paid and taxes done "has he done his taxes, his bills are piled so high i'm sure'....
I feel guilty for my wonderful life! I have a wonderful husband who's heart is silently breaking and I am so strong in front of him, but aching inside with guilt of having so much and our son having nothing.
Now that I write this, I know this, it is HIS CHOICE to live outside the small boundaries that we set: Get a job, keep your room clean, flush the toilet when done (which was a NIGHTMARE most of the times, it was always chock full and overflowed constantly just disgusting!) Help out with the chores, be in at a decent hour as we get up at 4:30 am for work....once your in, that is it, no going out at 2 am (as to which THAT was a huge sign of doing something you shouldn't be doing)...no sleep over guests (it's not a hotel)...and he did NONE of that....he broke every simple house rule we put down....dishes under his bed, food in his closet, clothes everywhere, doing loads of laundry as he didn't know what was clean or dirty (we bought him a 400.00/9 drawer chest for his room by the way that he didn't put ANYTHING in)....I ended up doing the cleaning, cooking etc and all this after a 50 hour week...really? And NO JOB EVER! And let's not forget the girls that he had stay over when we where home, not asking, and me going downstairs to see a girl coming out of his bathroom. REALLY?
Why do I feel guilty that I have so much when we WORK SO HARD for what we have and that he has nothing as he doesn't work to achieve ANYTHING?
I shouldn't feel guilty I know, but as a mother, I do.
We all forge our own lives, our own way of life. We don't use medications EVER, never have, both my husband and I are the type that if we're taking an aspirin, you KNOW there is something wrong...LOL....we work hard every day, the house is immaculate, the laundry always done, food always in the fridge. Food on the table clothes on our backs...
I was a single mother for 10 years with my son, I worked my butt off and he ALWAYS had a lovely home, new clothes and the latest sneakers, always had books, toys and loads of love....I was always at his school for all events.....as a single mother, I did awesome. I got NO CHILD SUPPORT from his 'father'. There was NEVER a time I was out of work. He had family around him, his grandfather and grandmother (my parents) were ALWAYS there for him....my sister and her family ALWAYS there.....He saw a hard working, deeply loving mother....so how the HELL can he expect to sit on his laurels and do nothing and get ANYWHERE?
He had it all this fall, college paid for by his GI bill, the dorm paid for his meals paid for, the ONLY thing he had to do was his school work and he couldn't even do THAT! He flunked out of all 4 classes he was taking in the 1st semester! He puts the blame on a friend that OD'd....you would THINK that would be a catalyst to do BETTER!
But I can't shake this ridiculous guilt of having so much and denying him of that. I know it is not denial, it is boundaries, it is taking back our lives, restoring harmony in my marriage in my life.....
I haven't shut him off, I am keeping him at a big distance. I will NOT bail him out of jail, I will NOT allow him to live here for a week.....
His father, after 20 years of not seeing his child, is back in the picture with his mother. I told my son to seek help from them, he needs to rely on them now. I will not enable, nor help him out of any situation that he has gotten himself into due to his poor choices. WHY am I paying everytime for something HE does.
I brought him into the city to go to the "Dr's" which I think, he never confirmed, that it was a methadone clinic and the place doesn't have a website, nor where they forthcoming when I called them....and I got a $120.00 parking ticket (I did fight it as there where no signs where I parked and yet I still lost) My fault, yeah whatever, so I paid it, but I wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for him asking for a ride, I should've put him on the train. i HATE going into the city for ANYTHING!
That is just the tip of the iceberg....
But back to the issue...guilt....why can't we let go of our Mommy Guilt? When does it end? When does it become THEIR life?
Sorry this was so long, I guess when we post it is more therapy when we re-read and I'm sure that I'm not the only one feeling this guilt.
I want to ENJOY MY LIFE....for GODS SAKE, I'm 52, I've EARNED the right to enjoy my life haven't I?
if loving them and praying for them was enough? there would be no addicts.
guilt is the gift that keeps on giving...I would mentally shout "NO" to myself...and it whispered back ...."but..."
We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it....I said that so many times, and it really didn't help much
but the serenity prayer did.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things i can and
the wisdom to know the difference.
and anger is ok too...sadness, relief, mourning, frustration...all of it.
I think we all understand.
Today,,, Have a great day,,, do what YOU want,,,, LIVE, Love and Laugh
here for you
So now three children are grown, one does say things about her childhood and I tell her, I did the best I could. Once your an adult what you do with your life is your responsibility.
Your son is an adult (sure that could be debated by his actions). It sounds like he was given a lot, maybe too much. But you did the best you could. Its up to him now. Hopefully he figures all this out sooner then later and realizes how good his childhood was.