You left out SELFISH !!!!EX of an ADDICT, Deb

I agree to an extent. But the problem is that the only reason why they have effected you so deepily is because you have allowed them. I reconmend naranon. That will help you stop getting so caught up in their self pitty and help you to see that the addict as wrong as they are and as much as you and I don't get it... can't help themselves in their vindictive behaviors. Not until they are trully ready. Remember if you don't like it.... YOU can leave!


excuse my horrible spelling.

Thanks for commenting to my post. In response to 'Debala' You got that right! and to 'Livingtoday' I thank you for your advice. I left him over 2 years ago. I am living on my own with our 3 year old son. So, I have learned to not let him effect my life for the most part. The anger in which I am expressing is... I have broken away and because we have a child...he will forever be in my life and our son's. My son is the only reason he is still 'my concern' so to speak.( I am always aware and on my toes in regards to my son's interaction)I also recognize that he will be responsible for the relationship he forms with our son. But as a mom, it's hard to sit back knowing that you will be the one to pick up the pieces when your child feels the effects of an addict. That's what I was venting...trust me, if we didn't share a child...it wouldn't be so hard breaking away at this point. I have just had enough of him and I am sick of having to deal with his issues( The All About Me Issues). Ya know what I mean? My 3 year old has less temper tantrums than he does!

Why don't you get a restraining order against him and insist on "supervised visits." The agency coordinates with him and you and you don't even need to see or talk to him.
He gets to see him under supervision only and is never alone with him.

It's not that extreme. Maybe I should explain a bit. My husband has been clean for almost a year.( Currently in counseling) The thing that is so hard is even when the drug use stops...all the same behaviors and habits remain the same. He has yet to discover coping skills for everyday exsistance. It's the waiting for the bomb to fall that sucks so bad. When things don't go his way, he resorts to his old ways. I'm always wondering if it's just a matter of time before he uses again. As far as him in our son's life...he's never alone without someone there. As funny as this may sound, no matter what he's done, I know he wouldn't put him in the middle of his using. In the past he would just refuse to watch him. That's how I know. So I guess it's the rollercoaster I am so sick of. When does it really change, or does it always remain such a battle? A battle for him to wake up and be a Good Man and to realize that children don't become what you tell them to be...they become what they see! I know it's in him. I'm just soooo tired of waiting for some REAL changes, ya know?

When an addict begins their recovery process, it takes time to change. There is no time line that says, in 3 months you should be here, 6 months here, etc. Sounds like he has been on a dry drunk, and on the pity pot. He needs to do more than counseling, he needs to work a program, whether it is a 12 step program, like AA and NA, and get a sponsor. Your comment on how he has to realize that children don't become what you tell them to be, they become what they see - is not really correct, a child can be raised in a home where the parent or parents were in recovery before they were born, and become an addict - addiction is a heredity, and is in the genes. You need to take care of yourself and your son, and not worry if your ex will change, and when it will be.

I hope you will listen to Mgs1 and bcolliesmom. They each have given great advice.
You may not want to think about it, but you did pick this man to be the father of your child.

Once again, I thank all of you for your responses. I do realize that I chose him to marry and to have a child with. I have loved this man for over 13 years and didn't fully realize how bad things were until after our son was born. I'm not saying I didn't know anything, but because I have never used drugs, I didn't understand the extent of his use. I was blind and didn't want to or couldn't comprehend how bad things really were. For me, I think when I was living with a newborn in the dead of winter with no heat for 4 months, with an electric heater plugged in near the sink where I bathed my son( praying that God keep us safe) was one of the moments of clarity I had. The reality of what our lives had become became apparent. It has taken me a long time to move passed this and I now have security that I've established for my son and I. For that I am thankful. My venting on this post is because it's only on DS that I don't feel alone and that I'm not losing my mind. To know that others go through the same anger and sadness, comforts me. Not that I wish this on anyone, but neverhteless, I'm grateful to have a place where I can feel free to vent and there are others to offer advice and insight. So thanks. I already don't feel as angry as I did the day I posted this...so thanks!

You will receive alot of good advise from us, as most of us have been through, are going through what you are. I have been on both sides of the fence, had a parent who was an addict, I am a recovering addict, was marrieddivorced from an addict, and have a son who is an addict who now have been in recovery for heroin addiction for 18 months. So take what you need from the posts, and leave the rest. Which is what you learn in a 12 step program, whether it is in aa/na, alanon, etc. The road to recovery for the addict and the family is at times a long and bumpy one with roadblocks and obstacles to overcome, and the only way you understand and get through them is to work your own program, and learn the disease of addiction, as you have a son with a man who has the disease, and with one parent who has this disease, your child/children have a 50% chance of becoming an addict, when it is both parents, the children have an 80% chance of becoming an addict, and it has nothing to do with whether the parent/parents are practicing or in recovery, it has to do with the heredity gene. Learn about the disease, you will understand the whys and how tos. Keep the faith

Education really is the key. I have tried to learn all I can, but I know there is much more for me to learn. Anyone in a relationship with an addict has got to get educated on the subject for sure.

I still refuse to buy the "addiction is a disease" load of bs. disease (d-zz)
n.
1. A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.

That being said, addiction affects the soul, and the soul is NOT an organism, organ or system of an organism. Saying that addiction is a disease is part of the coping mechanism that non addicted people have given addiction as a coping method. No other "diseases" have this criteria. Addicts WILL NOT change for anyone but themselves, and to force the issue leads to YOUR harm.

I am more than fed up - my husband is an active alcoholic and drug user - so it is extremely difficult right now. He keeps relapsing with prescription pills and refused to go to meetings even though he was on Suboxone treatment for the pills. Once they stop - he goes right back to them. He is so extremely selfish and blamed me last night for his addiction - typical - right? I have a young son myself and want to take him away from the toxic environment - but I am not sure what my next step will be. I am seeking counseling and going to Alanon meetings - so I am hoping this will give me the support I need right now.

topazmoon...I remember when the journey to leave began for me. It was in some counseling that I was able to see what steps I needed to take to get out. It didn't happen over night, it took planning, patience and prayer...BUT I did it! It was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself and especially my son. Now he only sees the "Good" in his dad instead of the daily crap and struggles. That was very important to me. Inspite of everything, he knows his dad loves him and has a decent relationship with him. How much it grows will be up to him as time goes by. I'm not foolish to think that my son won't pick up on stuff as he grows, but I will do everything in my power right now to allow him a 'beautiful' happy childhood!

Hi Growin! It sounds like you're in a different place than you were when you first posted, and that's a great sign that YOU are not on a pity pot! We take our victories where we can, right? I can relate to the frustration, pain, and anger reflected in your first post, and I can relate to the ongoing wondering and fear you mention. I share those things. When I married my husband, I knew he was in recovery - he told me so. But then he turned up drunk. I was too baffled to recognize what my eyes were showing me, so I put my pregnant self in a car he was driving. Thank GOD we were all okay. That was over three years ago, but in the meantime, he has relapsed fully, done treatment in a hospital, and relapsed again. Part of what baffles me about the whole situation is that he tells me over and over (when he's sober) that he wants to stay sober, but I don't see him doing anything to make that happen. He's not going to meetings (he says he is and then comes home drunk), he's not working his program, and he's not using his sponsor. He complains about everything, and he routinely says horrendous things to our kids (ages 2 and 10 months) and to me. THANK GOD FOR MY PROGRAM. Before I started working my own program, my thinking pretty much stopped at my list of complaints, concerns, and sense of betrayal and hopelessness. That is no longer the case. It can be kind of a double-edged sword, in that working my program shows me what working a program can look like, but luckily, the program has built into it a reminder that, if I think I'm doing it all right, I'm getting away from humility and jeopardizing my serenity - I'm moving back into a place where I can "judge" other people's progress, problems, solutions, and choices - and who the hell am I to do that, right? I wish all this meant I never get aggravated or angry or hurt - I do. But little by little, one day at a time, I can let go of my resentment that I can't leave my children alone with their father (unlike your ex, he'll get drunk when he's the only one to care for and protect them), and I've developed the perspective and resources to have ALWAYS a Plan B. Plan A is what I want and "should" be able to do. Plan B is the "single mom plan." That's the one where he's not part of it. Mgs1 had a great idea, but it sounds like it felt too extreme to you - that's cool. It sounds like you already have your Plan B, in that he's never unsupervised with your child. Maybe in time you'll see additional options, if you look for them, but in the meantime, learning how to take care of yourself and your child, regardless of what his father is doing, and learning to let go of your anger that this man has a disease that went a long way toward ruining him, will go a long way toward protecting your son for developing the same tendency to complain about and struggle with issues over which he has no control... and that complaining and struggle are at precisely the heart of the pity pot that supports addiction, not only to substances, but also to addicts... I hope any of this has been helpful to you. Keep coming back!

I understand your anger, I really do. My husband is currently in jail, we have a two year old child and I am expecting again. I feel duped. I hate that I allowed another child to be born into this situation. I want to beat the crap out of his family sometimes because I get tired of hearing how I need be nice to him still and that his recovery depends on it. I feel like they are holding me hostage in this relationship. I am mad, I'm allowed to be mad. He has ruined me financially, he has taken everything that I have ever worked for. I get it, I really do. I'm mad as as hell. We are left picking up the pieces for our kids and it is unfair.