Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi, I'm newly back on the boards here and new to this group, thankful to have found you.
I'm the eldest of 3 adult siblings, we lost our dad in '04 and our Mom just over a year ago. My brother as of 4 years ago is a widower, losing both his stepson and wife (stepson's mother) to addiction. He found his stepson dead of tainted heroin -- stepson's buddy left him there to bleed out on a Christmas morning -- and less than 6 months later, my brother's wife had drank herself to death. Brother has stayed in contact with stepson's network of friends -- one who rooms at his house. Brother has also taken up with another girlfriend and family fraught with addiction.
My sister has a long history of addiction, presumably still uses, having lived with a parade of guys who have supported, supplied and even pimped her. She officially estranged herself from the family a number of years ago. I've never forgiven her for lies and thefts of the past -- that's on me, her Little Mary Sunshine act has turned my stomach. I don't think it's an exaggeration to call her a sociopath.
I was fairly close with my brother until my Mom's decline when his acting out started -- due to the traumas he went thru, never getting any help for them. I would say he overfunctioned in enabling his wife and stepson, but nearly avoided really helping out with Mom while dancing around to shore up his image of Devoted Son.
During Mom's decline, Brother and Sister covertly reunited with a mind-numbing web of lies and projection of rage towards me.
Sister never showed up for Mom to reconcile, or for the funeral but was the first there for the estate meeting with the lawyer.
I've been executrix of the modest estate -- and guess who had no help from them in cleaning out the house, selling it, attending to all the business end. (Did I mention Brother is a weight-lifter and manager of a branch of a bank?)
His passive-aggressive behavior towards me caused me to block communication except the very occasional email. This last barrage of his insisted that I accept his revisionist history or there was no chance of reconciliation. And of course I'm self-righteous queen bitch for not accepting those terms.
Best advice I've gotten -- sadly -- is from a street-wise minister who told me to keep my boundaries up -- "how do you know an enabler is lying? His lips are moving."
So polarizing and painful. Trying to move on from this, not maintaining in my own head a martyred victim role. Grateful for friends who have stepped up to be family for me.
Anyone in this group go thru something similar? If sibling steps forward with the truth, then the door can be open.
I'm the eldest of 3 adult siblings, we lost our dad in '04 and our Mom just over a year ago. My brother as of 4 years ago is a widower, losing both his stepson and wife (stepson's mother) to addiction. He found his stepson dead of tainted heroin -- stepson's buddy left him there to bleed out on a Christmas morning -- and less than 6 months later, my brother's wife had drank herself to death. Brother has stayed in contact with stepson's network of friends -- one who rooms at his house. Brother has also taken up with another girlfriend and family fraught with addiction.
My sister has a long history of addiction, presumably still uses, having lived with a parade of guys who have supported, supplied and even pimped her. She officially estranged herself from the family a number of years ago. I've never forgiven her for lies and thefts of the past -- that's on me, her Little Mary Sunshine act has turned my stomach. I don't think it's an exaggeration to call her a sociopath.
I was fairly close with my brother until my Mom's decline when his acting out started -- due to the traumas he went thru, never getting any help for them. I would say he overfunctioned in enabling his wife and stepson, but nearly avoided really helping out with Mom while dancing around to shore up his image of Devoted Son.
During Mom's decline, Brother and Sister covertly reunited with a mind-numbing web of lies and projection of rage towards me.
Sister never showed up for Mom to reconcile, or for the funeral but was the first there for the estate meeting with the lawyer.
I've been executrix of the modest estate -- and guess who had no help from them in cleaning out the house, selling it, attending to all the business end. (Did I mention Brother is a weight-lifter and manager of a branch of a bank?)
His passive-aggressive behavior towards me caused me to block communication except the very occasional email. This last barrage of his insisted that I accept his revisionist history or there was no chance of reconciliation. And of course I'm self-righteous queen bitch for not accepting those terms.
Best advice I've gotten -- sadly -- is from a street-wise minister who told me to keep my boundaries up -- "how do you know an enabler is lying? His lips are moving."
So polarizing and painful. Trying to move on from this, not maintaining in my own head a martyred victim role. Grateful for friends who have stepped up to be family for me.
Anyone in this group go thru something similar? If sibling steps forward with the truth, then the door can be open.
Sometimes when addicted....we can't function to do the things we SHOULD be doing...like helping take care of Mom, cleaning houses, etc. Which is why you were made executor...seems your Mom was well aware of the issues in your family.
To me it sounds like you have 2 choices.
1) Stay angry and keep them estranged OR
2) Realize they are addicts engaged in active addiction and that they are SICK people and although they should be accountable for their actions...they really don't SEE what they are doing. AND...accept them for who they are and do the best you can.
Doing the best you can, is keeping the safe, healthy boundaries for YOU...but not totally cutting them out of your life.
The thing is you can't have them in your life if you do not truly believe and understand that they are sick people and love them for who they are.
You can't have them in your life if you are going to hold on to the resentment. If you want them in your life you have to make a conscious decision to forgive the past and move on with the future.
This seems to be making you "sick" as well. Addiction affects WHOLE families. So you should seek some counseling as well right?
Decide if you can be one with them and not be sick.
If you can't and if you feel totally OK with not including them in your life...than you have to totally let them go.
It seems you are stuck in the middle of these 2 decisions...you have to decide because you are hurting yourself...they are not hurting you.
Your title - you can't dictate how someone else will grieve (addict or no addict) you can only do your grieving the way you grieve. If your resenting the way others are grieving or behaving...you again are only hurting yourself...because they obviously are not thinking about your feelings at all right?
Listen to ME...I couldn't make a healthy decision sometimes if a gun was to my head....Im always just trying to help others...I know what are the right things to do sometimes..but I don't always do them myself.
Life is a huge challenge..
Happy 4th