JoeNick,

I am so sorry to hear this, and I understand exactly how you feel as my son did exactly the same thing. He started with 6 weeks Intensive outpatient treatment and relapsed within a month. Then he did the 28 day inpatient treatment and came out of it so optimistic and positive. He was also supposed to do the 90 meetings in 90 days and attend an additional outpatient program. He relapsed within 2 weeks. He later admitted that he lied about attending the meetings. He never attended a single one of them!

I want to share what now seems to be helping my son. He finally agreed to go into a sober living environment in Florida. They attend daily meetings together, they have to find a job, pay their rent, do their laundry, shop for food, etc. My son is 21 and had never lived away from home before. He was always taken care of like a prince. Needless to say, I was worried sick about him, but you know what? He has been clean and sober for 8 months now, and he admits he could never have done it without the fellowship of his fellow-addicts keeping him in line. They were able to provide the structure and motivation which we could not offer him at home. So far, this is what is saving his life.

I hope you find the answer for your son. Let me know if you would like more information about where my son is now; I'd be happy to share that. I know how shocking and upsetting this all is, I still can't believe it sometimes, but we are all here for you and we understand what you are going through.

Best to you and your family.

I completely understand how you feel! My daughter also did a month in rehab (court order) because she decided to take pills while pregnant with her 2nd daughter (devastating). I feel 31 days in rehab is NOT enough but like in my daughter's case she really didn't want it so of course it didn't help. After a lot of heartache, devastation, guilt and every other emotion you can think of and a lot of prayer, I realize you can't help someone who won't or can't help themselves, but it doesn't change the heartache a parent goes through feeling helpless. I still don't know how to deal with this.

Thanks so much for your comforting words. They actually did offer him the opportunty to go to a sober house and he declined. I am thinking that this might be a possibility for him at this point. He blamed the stress of everyone putting him in a fishbowl and watching. I just think he is not strong enough and probably could use the help of a S.H. Great news about your son, that gives me hope for mine. Best to you and your family as well.

JoeNick,
My son also declined the sober house the first time. I made it clear to him that he could not stay in my home and continue to use drugs. He finally accepted the SH option because he had no other options, but it ultimately was the best decision he could have made. He has had several ups and downs and wanted to come home a few times, but with the grace of God and the support of his friends there, he was convinced to stay and keep fighting.

Angie, I am so sorry for your devastating situation. You are right that unless they want help there is not much you can do to help them. What you can do is not enable them to continue what they are doing. It was the hardest thing in the world for us to tell our son that he could not stay in our home. He has led a very pampered life and has never had to fend for himself, but we made it clear there would be zero tolerance for drug use while he lived under our roof. I think once he realized we were serious, he knew he had no choice and agreed to try the sober house.

I realize your situation is different as there are children involved, but the same general principles apply. We should not do anything for our addicts that they SHOULD be able to do themselves. When we continue to handle their problems, and take on their responsibilities, we enable them to continue with their bad behavior. It took me a long time to understand this and develop the strength to follow it through. It made a big difference.

I wish the best outcomes for everyone on this site. It always breaks my heart to read the stories here and I pray for each and every one of you.

Sober House may be the answer for him. He seems like he's cracking from the pressure of staying clean. Says he feels like he's in a fishbowl and everyone is watching him (in a way we really are)! When I feel hopeless and seek some answers, I am glad that I have you people to turn to. Thanks so much!

My daughter, also, did 30 days inpatient. Now she is in a sober house 3 hrs from home. I believe being that far away, and the sober living support while she does her IOP and attends her AA meetings, is all part of her success so far. I do want to add that her counselor told us that relapse is now considered a possible part of recovery.

I read on the Betty Ford clinic website that they recommend a 120 day program for addicts under the age of 23. I don't remember how old your son is. They state that the young person's brain is not fully formed and they are much more likely to relapse before the 120 day period ends. While insurance won't cover this idea, I think the sober house is a possible answer.

I wish you peace with this and hope for tomorrow.

Yes those short stays aren't much help in my opinion. My son is waiting for a bed in either a 28 day or 3 month program. I'm hoping the 28 takes him because they will keep him until a bed opend up at st Christopher's 3 month program. That would mean 4 months before entering a sober living house.

You may want to look into longer term treatment options. Wether or not you alow him to live at home as he navigates his way through this is up to you.

Thank you all so much for your very informative comments.

I'm sorry. I remember the feeling. My son was back on opiates within 3 days after he was released from a 45 day stay. He eventually moved on from pills to heroin, which is the normal progression. The only way he was able to stop was to go on a methadone program. Counseling, meetings, group therapy, etc. were never strong enough to help him overcome the cravings. He needed a bridge.

He is also on a waiting list for a good sober home and I think it's exactly what he will need when he starts getting weaned off the methadone.

Please don't feel like the rehab facility was a waste of time and money. While he was there he learned the tools of sobriety and they are going to be in his toolbox whenever he is ready to use them.

You asked if he should try to go back to treatment. He probably doesn't need to go back to in patient treatment, but intensive outpatient might be helpful if he doesn't like the meetings. They aren't for everyone.

Such a horrible weekend. My son used all weekend. Sat him down and told him we want him back in rehab.....and now he is refusing. I am not going to tolerate this anymore....it is literally making my husband and younger son physically and mentally ill. I know my son feels ashamed, but that is not enough. Said he will start going to the meetings again and will call his rehab counselor. I am afraid this is not enough and he is just not strong enough. He said the demand to stay sober forever is too much for him to deal with. I am crushed!

May I ask why you are letting him live at home if he is choosing this destructive path as opposed to recovery? You and your husband need to sit down together and decide what your boundaries are then let your son know and then of course, stick to them.

It doesn't mean kicking him out will force him to go get help. Infact it might cause a downward spiral. Atleast that's what it did to my son on both occassions he was kicked out for choosing drugs over recovery.

Eventually he agreed to recovery and relapsed after leaving. He is now in a crisis center awaiting rehab to have a bed. We kept him with us for about 2 weeks after discovering his most recent relapse because he was actively seeking treatment. But when I got pulled over with him in the car and the cops searched my car because of his stop and search probation, I said he needed to find another living option.

His probation officer helped him find a crisis center for homeless waiting for treatment options to come available. There are options for those who are willing to get help. I would not have known these without the input from his PO.

I don't know what you should or shouldn't do except setting boundaries agreed upon by both you and his father. Being on the same page and protecting your other children is crucial.

Look into alanon or naranon on your area as well. Support is so important.

it takes has long to recover, has it taken to get where he was,,,, small steps,,, remember this is his recovery,,, standing by,, "waiting" for him to relaspse,, is going to drive you insane,,, instead of threating,, set boundaries,,, and stick to them,,,, you have every right to drug test him if you feel the need to,, but do it,,,, and you don't have to justify your reasons,,, that's where the boundaries are a must....

breath,,, relax,,, you sitting staring at him,, his not going to make him clean,, or stop him from using,,,

it's not about the storm,, the ablity to dance in the rain,,,

Hi JoeNick - don't believe we've met yet. I'm Cyndee and have gone through similar issues with my 20-year old son. He is currently serving a 2.5 year prison sentence b/c of his drug use choices. Anyway, when he's released I plan to follow a lot of what Melancholy has mentioned & done. I have told my son he can't live at home and must plan his own future. Of course he'll be following release & parole guidelines but the fact is in each letter I get from him he's sharing with me his plans. And even though I realize he'll need some help, which I'm willing to give as long as he's working toward his sobriety & headed down the right road, I will be doing my utmost to let him drive the bus this time.

I wish you all the best as you find your middle ground in this process and her journey.

I visited my daughter this weekend. By God's grace, she remains clean, and will have her 60 days in the end of the week. What she told me is this. She said that when anyone is in their "active addiction", they don't hear you and they don't care what you say. In counseling, a girl spoke up who had relapsed for her 3rd time, and said the only reason she was with the living today is because her mother threw her out of her home. Keep looking forward, pray for the best, and draw your line in the sand. Hugs, and peace to you.

Again, thanks so much. It helps to realize that we are not alone in this. We discussed the boundaries of what we will and will not tolerate and he knows if he messes up, we have to do what we have to do. He stopped going to the meetings (he said they made him feel worse and made him want to use more). I don't know if this is true. He just seems like he is having a very hard time. Said all he thinks about is using. He is just being stubborn, not going to meetings and just sitting around being miserable. . Seems to me like he doesn't want to fight it and basically said he doesn't care what the outcome will be. He is not in a good place and I feel like I a just waiting for the bottom to drop out. I can't help thinking how great he looked in rehab, even happier. I think it is going to get worse before it gets better...... I keep telling him to fight and be strong. He has so much to look forward to, the rest of his life. Wish there was something more I can do.......