Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Ok, so I joined a while back, broke up with my boyfriend months ago, and finally he left my house about a month and a half ago. I broke up with him because, after over two years of him using and me trying to help once I found out, I realized I couldn't help, I couldn't do anything even though he said he was getting clean... I was just always stupid enough to believe it, each and every time... I broke up with him for him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, because I loved him so much. Letting go of that, wondering if I would ever care about anyone else, much less love anyone the way I loved him, was terrifying. But once he was gone, it was such a relief. I was so happy to go home, because I wasn't scared of what I was going home to; I wasn't getting yelled at all the time; I wasn't crying all the time. It felt nice, kind of empower; I started remembering who I was before all of this began. He kind of went crazy. Would send me crazy, angry texts. Anything I did that didn't invovle him, or anywhere I went, made him hostile. I thought he would get clean, realize that he was losing me and want to change, but that didn't happen. He finally started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. He asked her if I was disloyal, said he thought I was for breaking up with him when he was at such a low point. She said that she went with her husband every night for 13 years to AA and he never got sober... That's apparently her version of loyalty. I'm sorry, I've never been in this world of drugs before, but if anything sounds like enabling, it would be that. Am I crazy? I feel like I did the right thing for him. But beyond that, how could his therapist possibly deam me disloyal. I stayed for 2 years, trying to help, but refused to sign off on him using... He's capable of getting clean. It's an addiction, but he is strong enough, capable if he decides to fight it. Sorry this is so long, but am I crazy? Am I a horrible person? I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. I still love him, but I don't know that I'm in love with him. He keeps promising to go to rehab, but hasn't gone. I don't see the hope anymore; I don't feel the hope of seeing the man I fell in love with anymore. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an addict. I still think I was doing the right thing. I mean, everything I've read would say staying when they are actively using and not seeking help is enabling, but.... I guess I'm just wondering. She seems to be a good therapist, but her idea of loyalty, isn't that a little crazy? Thanks for taking the time to read this...
Second point, I want to make is that each person has different levels and tolerances for what is acceptable by them. Great for the therapist she was able to stick it out with the alchi for 13 years. My addict would spit in my face, verbally and physically abuse me and neglect our child and I hung in for 10. That is nothing to brag about. You aren't disloyal because you were being mistreated in a relationship and ended it. Whether with an addict or not.You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Period.
Third point, sometimes 'addicts' hear what they want to hear. And they manipulate it into their favor to perpetuate the 'victim' mode. Unless you were physically present to hear this therapist state that, then I would caution you to take it with a grain of salt. That could just be the 'addict' trying to manipulate that conversation to hurt you or to make you feel bad about leaving.
Finally, there is nothing 'disloyal' about wanting to come home to a quiet, safe environment free of the addicts drama and needs. If addiction is truly (as AA, Narconon and most physicians feel) the addicts disease, choice, and problem to fix, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and saying "I'm not willing to allow your addiction to suck every ounce of life, love, energy, and emotion out of me." That's not disloyal. IT'S FUCKING SMART. Don't ever doubt you did the right thing, for you, at a time where there was so much despair and no other options. I caution you to end the communication with the addict until you can embrace that statement and be confident that you did what was right for you.
Good Luck.
Ditto what Autumn says
Good luck to you .
I was goining to say that also. You beat me to it.
Joe
Second, you have been loyal to him. You stuck with him through two years of his using trying to help him and support him. He made the choice to continue using and destroying the relationship. If anything, HE is the one that was not loyal. He was not loyal to you and his commitment to you. He was loyal to his drugs.
At this point you have made a decision for yourself and you need to move as far away from him as possible now. Dont question what you have decided to do or allow him to make you feel guilty for HIS choices in life. You are making healthy choices for you and that is all that needs to matter to you now. Let someone else support him through his recovery otherwise he will just keep throwing things in your face until he finds a way to blame you for his addictions.
Take care of you, love yourself, and find what makes you happy. It would not hurt for you to see a therapist to come to terms with the last few years with him. It has a way of eating at our self esteem. Hugs