Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm here because I have some questions about Al-Anon. I grew up with an alcoholic father and unfortunately his addiction got the best of him, and he passed away two years ago. Since then, I attended counseling and read Dr. Woititz book Adult Children of Alcoholics. The book was great and it really helped me to understand why I am the person I am today. However, I still carry around the feeling of isolation that comes from living in an alcoholic home. I'm never really able to relate to others and I feel that no one really understands me. I think that talking to a group of other ACOAs will help.
But, I have some concerns about attending a meeting. I feel weird going to a meeting when the alcoholic in my life is no longer alive. It just makes me feel like an imposter. My friends and family know that my life has been difficult, and having an alcoholic father caused countless issues for me. However, they seem to think that all of those issues have magically gone away since my father passed. I know this is completely wrong. It's like if you overflow the bathtub, turning the water off stops the flood from continuing, but it doesn't soak up the water that's already on the floor. I guess what I'm wondering is if it's unusual for someone in my situation - with a deceased alcoholic - to attend Al-Anon?
This brings me to my next point. I'm living with my mom until I can afford a place of my own. Since I live under her roof, I have to answer to her. And every time I leave the house she asks where I'm going. I don't feel comfortable telling her I'll be attending Al-Anon meetings. I'm worried she'll judge me or think I'm being dramatic. Or she'll feel uncomfortable with idea of me discussing "my dad's problem" with strangers. To this day she doesn't like talking about dad's alcoholism nor does she want it discussed with others. She says we shouldn't talk about the dead that way, but it's just like when I was a kid and I had to hide my home life from everyone. I realize she needs Al-Anon as much as I do, but I just don't want to tell her where I'm going. I know it's my business, not hers, but I also don't want to lie to her either since I've been working on lying less, but I'm not ready to be open with her about it.
I'm also not sure how to go about attending my first meeting. I found a site that told me where and when some Al-Anon groups in my area meet. But other than that, I'm not sure where or how to find more information. Mostly, I want to know what my first meeting would be like? Will I have to talk, or can I just listen and observe? I'm hoping someone can give me some more insight into what Al-Anon is really like, and what I can expect.
Thanks!
First of all, NO you are definitely not an imposter. Al-Anon is for people who have had their lives effected by someone with an addiction. Nowhere does it state that this person has to be alive. I believe that you are a perfect example of someone who would benefit from Al-Anon BECAUSE your father has passed away. You probably have some resentment towards him and a lot of questions that you can't get answers to from him. Al-Anon might not be able to give you the exact answers he would have given you, but they'll tie up some loose ends for you and allow you to open up about how you are feeling now that he's gone...WHEN YOU'RE READY because you are not required to talk at meetings. I know that I attended many meetings where I didn't feel comfortable talking because a) I didn't have much to say on the topic, b) It was the start of me attending that specific meetings or c) I just didn't get a good vibe from the people there.
Second of all, I get why you wouldn't want to tell your mom and maybe, as you go to more Al-Anon meetings, you will feel more comfortable being open about where you're going. For now, if you really don't want to tell her, then you don't have to. Simply say you're going to talk with friends or hang out with someone because, yes it may be a little bit of a stretch, but you really are going to talk with people that may end up being your friends. After some time in Al-Anon and learning more about the process, you might even gain the strength to ask your mom to attend with you because I think that could really benefit her as well, but she has to be ready to go. I cannot stress that enough. You cannot force someone to get help with an issue, they have to be ready and willing to commit.
Lastly, meetings tend to be a little different from each other, but generally focus around the same platform. Usually, you start with the Chair person reading a little something that relates to Al-Anon, followed by a topic and, depending on the size of the meeting, people will most likely raise their hand if they have an opinion or comment about the topic or reading. If the meeting is smaller, the Chair person may go around the room, but if you don't want to speak, you can simply say "pass". I do that at my AA meetings when I don't feel like talking or I really just want to listen. It's really not a big deal and no one will think anything of it...you definitely won't be the only one.
I really hope this helps you in deciding to go to Al-Anon. Once you start going, it'll get easier and I think that you'll really get a lot out of it. Also, if your first meeting isn't what you were looking for, don't give up...keep trying different meetings until you find one or two that you really enjoy, and stick with them. Not only will you feel more comfortable, but you'll, no doubt, gain a lot of good relationships from the people in those meetings.
I wish you luck and I hope that you decide that Al-Anon is for you!
And of course, pray about it.