Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm a 58-year-old widow with a 19-year-old son who graduated from high school last June. Instead of going to college to be an orthodontist, he went to rehab instead. I lost my job at the end of January. My mom passed away three weeks ago.
Being a nurse, I was the one who people turn to in times of need. I was always strong one. I lost 11 family members in the past five years. Husband,grandparents, parents, and cousins. My husband was a fighter, he never gave up his battle with cancer. It was devastating to watch my son spiraling downward. He attempted suicide twice. My son was always very strong. He was the man of the house when his father passed. He played ice hockey, tennis and lacrosse. He was in honors classes. Watching his body and mine deteriorate was unbearable.I blame myself for my son's addiction because at times my drinking was an issue. Even though we were extremely close after the death of his dad I am convinced that this was one of the factors in his addiction. He was bullied in person and on the Internet which didn't help.
In the past year I have had to carpal tunnel surgeries on my right hand, one on my left hand and emergency spinal fusion. I gained 40 pounds which on a 5 foot 2 inch frame does not look good :-)
I have been so stressed out with everybody else's problems I let myself go to shit. After that being said I am alone with no job.
I have been reading books, searching the Internet and listening to Depok Chopra tapes.... Anything that would help to ease the pain. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I was always the one trying to make other people happy and helping them with their issues that I neglected my own.. As my son says, "mom you try to hard!!!".
Sometimes I look at other people who "appear to be happy and have it all" and I feel jealousy and resentment. I too was that person once. These are devastating emotions to feel. They can eat us alive. These "lucky, happy people" have their own crosses to bear am sure of it.
I used to wake up in the morning smiling saying this is the first day of the rest of your life! Have a great day! Now when I wake up, that is if I have even slept that night and experience an anxiety attack! Wow!
My son has tried very hard as well. He takes two steps forward and moves four steps behind. His pain is unbearable to watch.
I am trying to re-invent myself. I am not taking it one day at a time I am taking it one hour at a time:) I have started a healthier lifestyle with the foods I eat, vitamins I take, walks around the neighborhood and have decreased in my alcohol intake. I am looking for a new job which will make me happy not necessarily rich.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated :-)
Being a nurse, I was the one who people turn to in times of need. I was always strong one. I lost 11 family members in the past five years. Husband,grandparents, parents, and cousins. My husband was a fighter, he never gave up his battle with cancer. It was devastating to watch my son spiraling downward. He attempted suicide twice. My son was always very strong. He was the man of the house when his father passed. He played ice hockey, tennis and lacrosse. He was in honors classes. Watching his body and mine deteriorate was unbearable.I blame myself for my son's addiction because at times my drinking was an issue. Even though we were extremely close after the death of his dad I am convinced that this was one of the factors in his addiction. He was bullied in person and on the Internet which didn't help.
In the past year I have had to carpal tunnel surgeries on my right hand, one on my left hand and emergency spinal fusion. I gained 40 pounds which on a 5 foot 2 inch frame does not look good :-)
I have been so stressed out with everybody else's problems I let myself go to shit. After that being said I am alone with no job.
I have been reading books, searching the Internet and listening to Depok Chopra tapes.... Anything that would help to ease the pain. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I was always the one trying to make other people happy and helping them with their issues that I neglected my own.. As my son says, "mom you try to hard!!!".
Sometimes I look at other people who "appear to be happy and have it all" and I feel jealousy and resentment. I too was that person once. These are devastating emotions to feel. They can eat us alive. These "lucky, happy people" have their own crosses to bear am sure of it.
I used to wake up in the morning smiling saying this is the first day of the rest of your life! Have a great day! Now when I wake up, that is if I have even slept that night and experience an anxiety attack! Wow!
My son has tried very hard as well. He takes two steps forward and moves four steps behind. His pain is unbearable to watch.
I am trying to re-invent myself. I am not taking it one day at a time I am taking it one hour at a time:) I have started a healthier lifestyle with the foods I eat, vitamins I take, walks around the neighborhood and have decreased in my alcohol intake. I am looking for a new job which will make me happy not necessarily rich.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated :-)
Any help would be appreciated! Thank-you!
welcome to our group. I am sorry for all the hardships you have been going through.
there is no way to edit after you press the majic button. don't worry, we all have the typo thing going on.
I think the best thing you can do for your son is do the best you can for yourself. You do know, already, that alcohol is a depressant....so it is great that you are working to get that under control. I actually gave up drinking about 5 years ago. I quit when my son did, to support him, and then 6 months later, i decided to have a glass of wine. i had the worst hangover of my life, and realized (looking back) that my handling the stress of his addiction was by drinking. It didn't bother my husband, but it did bother me. I have also seen how slippery that slope is.
Anyway, welcome welcome welcome.
I do al anon readings, some spiritual readings, yoga, exercise and walk the dog.
If, in the meantime, you don't find a job, perhaps volunteering would be good for you...out with folks and helping others...
Hope you have a peaceful and happy Sunday tomorrow.
I am afraid to quit cold turkey... I know cutting back is not the best way to go....
My son got promoted to House Manager of his recovery house! He is so proud of himself and so am I. I bought the book "A beautiful boy". It is supposed to be good? anyone read it? Thanks again for your responses! Have a wonderful day:)
And I never read that book, but I know tons of others have.
Enjoy a wonderful day!
I am very sorry for your losses and I am glad to hear your son is better. You talk of your own alcohol problem and you talk of a surgery. My advice is this. Talk with your doctor. Stop drinking. If you have narcotics from your surgery dispose of them. Motrin is enough. If you have benzodiazepines pitch them. Yes you will detox. Yes you will feel like crap. Get you doctors advice.
Our brains are stupid. They cannot differentiate between benzodiazepines, alcohol, narcotics, heroin etc. your brain just gets a little stimuli and it says "cool, we are using again.
As for grief, over a period of time prolonged grief can become a full blown clinical depression. See a good psychiatrist for an appropriate mood stabilizer. Most family practice docs just don't know the meds or the indications well enough. It's a specialty field.
Finally, see a therapist. They are magical sometimes. You must seek health mentally, physically and spiritually. You are much more likely to die from drinking than you are from withdrawal. Talk to your doc about that.
I know your grief. The day after taking my daughter to detox inpatient I had a mother come to see me. She carried a photo of her 23yr old son who died the week before from a heroin overdose. I held her hand, I helped her with her meds, and later when she was gone I wept for us both.
You can do this. You can take charge of your life. You can stare down addiction and look for some purpose in this mess. I wish you freedom and peace. It's ok to be who you are.
I love the idea of volunteering. It's a great way to get perspective, feel useful, and keep busy. You may even make a connection for a new job. As an RN, there is a lot you can do.
I've read Beautiful Boy 3 times. I highly recommend it.
Your son is on the right track. It's time to let the professionals do their jobs and help him. You should also consider what type of professional help you might need. I don't know how much drinking is a problem for you. If you are scared of going cold turkey, then it might have gotten to the point where you need medical help to detox from the alcohol. An anti-depressant may also help.
I am also 5'2" and gained 40 pounds during the very stressful period while my son was using. I know what that does to self-esteem as well as to health in general. Last September I joined a program called Healthy Inspirations. The weight is coming off slowly, but it is coming off. I've already lost 21 pounds and I feel so much better. If you aren't able to do it on your own, consider joining a program where you will have lots of support and will meet other women on the same journey. The good news is that cutting back on alcohol is going to be a great help in losing weight. Getting exercise is also going to make you feel a lot better.
It sounds like your son is very worried about you. Don't feel guilty. Take care of yourself. I think that's going to really help him to feel like it's OK to help himself, too.
I lost 20, and he lost 50...and got off his prediabetes meds.
My son also started using after his father died from cancer. It was 2 1/2 years ago. His beloved grandmother had died one week previously. My son's father had remarried years ago, so I wasn't losing a husband as you did, but we were very dear friends. I was dealing with the loss of my mother and had no idea that my son was experimenting with opiates, eventually becoming addicted. It's so challenging to be sensitive to the pain of others around you when you are suffering yourself. I did blame myself for missing the signs, but had to get over that as it didn't help me or him.
So please be kind to yourself. You and your son are both on a healing journey. It sounds like your son is doing very well, and so are you. Coming here is a great step on the path to wellness.
I also gained weight, and have used sparkpeople to track my food intake as well as exercising at least 5 days a week. I take Zumba dancing, which is a lot of fun. I keep a lot of creative projects going on to feel productive, and learn to love natural endorphins. It is hard to put ourselves first, but taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give your son. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. You have already made a lot of progress, and your son as well. I think I'm repeating what others have already said to you, but it is all true and coming from a caring place.
I wish you all the best!
My son was doing well at his current house. Then the man who basically runs the house, he doesn't live there, started arguments with the guys. He called my son a punk! The next day he apologized. My son told him that he may be leaving the house. From what my son tells me, this guy could be bipolar. This man called me at 10:45 last night I was asleep. He told me he lost his temper but did apologize. He does this frequently. Not a good atmosphere. He informed me that my son has been due on a great job, better than he thought he would do. He didn't seem to think his erratic behavior was affecting the men in the house. Not good.
My son feels comfortable in this house, and is afraid to move into another one. He has been there for months. He wants to come home however if he returns to our area at this point in time, the odds are stacked against his recovery. Long story.
I am a nervous wreck this morning. I am praying that he makes the right decision.
Have a great day everyone!
Wow, what a rough 5 years you've had! My condolences for all you've been through.
I can relate...lost both my parents in the last 4 years, had several minor surgeries myself, and found out my son is a drug addict in 2012. That has been the most shocking and disturbing thing that has ever happened to my family. I also used to be the smiling, happy one wishing everyone a great day. Life can be so cruel sometimes, but I'm learning to count my blessings and try to focus on the positives as much as possible.
Sounds like you are doing well under the circumstances, and that is actually motivational for me...thanks for sharing your story!
The real reason for my reply today is your concern over your son wanting to come home; I can REALLY relate to that. My son is now 21 and has been in a sober home in FL since June. We live in NJ. He has wanted to come home several times, and each time I had so much anxiety and near-panic over it. When he had been there only a month or two, he lost his job and was so depressed he wanted to come home. Then he got sick a few times, head and chest colds mainly, and each time he wanted to come home. Another time he was fed up with one of his roommates who was mean to him, and yet another time he was fed up with how the owner of the home was treating him.
Fortunately, I was able to convince him to stay there. It wasn't easy or cheap, but we made it easier for him to stay by visiting him one weekend. We drove his car down to FL (a 2-day trip), and flew back home. Having his car made it easier for him to find better jobs and not need public transportation. While we were there, we took him to a doctor and got him antibiotics for his infection. Took him shopping for toiletries and food. Took him out to eat a few times, and basically restored his faith in the program and left him feeling better about staying there a bit longer. (That was in November)
Of course we couldn't do that every time he wanted to come home, but this sober house has different phases and ultimately a "graduation". At that point, your rent goes down a little and you have more freedom. You move to a graduate apartment which is much nicer than the others. I told my son that I did not want him to come home without "graduating" because I'm afraid it would give him a sense of failure. An addict coming home feeling that way is destined to relapse, don't you think? I told him he has come so far, 9 months clean, we are so proud of what he has been able to accomplish. Why stop now? Why not finish what you started? I've told him that although I miss him terribly, I am not ready for him to come home yet. I want it to be the "right" time. We have also helped him with money for rent and food between his jobs there. We did all this to keep him from coming home.
And lastly, and probably most importantly, I told my son that he will only get one last chance to live in my home. We love him with all our heart and soul, but we refuse to shelter and enable an addict in our home. We will not live our lives that way. I think this has really made my son think and understand that he must be feeling very confident about his sobriety before he comes home again.
I hope this helps you in some way. I don't know how long your son has been in recovery, but the more time they spend clean the better the chances that they will remain clean...I read that in a book called "CLEAN" by David Shef, the author who wrote "BEAUTIFUL BOY".
Best wishes in your recovery, and your son's. I hope all goes well. Please keep us posted.
That's so terrible, what your son is dealing with at his sober house. Unfortunately, not all sober houses are the same.
My son is at Solutions by the Sea in Daytona Beach FL. They do not tolerate stealing, and they would discourage your son from the relationship he is starting with the girl you mentioned.
We have to consider that these sober houses are run by ex-addicts and ex-cons. Sadly, they have had difficult lives and not all of them are stable. The owner of my son's sober house has a long and scary history himself, he was addicted to crack cocaine for many years, arrested many times, been shot, stabbed, etc. A frightening background, however, he has turned his life around and dedicated himself to helping others recover. He doesn't tolerate any nonsense and he keeps the younger ones under a tighter control, which I think is good. I think my son has done so well there because he is afraid of the guy..lol..but at the same time, they love my son and tell him so all the time. They just want to keep him safe.
They have a website if you ever wanted to google them...and they have grown to double since my son first went there. They keep buying more properties to keep up with the demand for men who need a sober living environment. I can't help but highly recommend them because they've kept my son clean for 9 months, which is something my husband and I were unable to do at home.
Good luck..let us know what Zak decides. You and he will be in my prayers along with all the others.