Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Need advice

dmatt124
dmatt124
As many of you know my son who lives in Florida has been in active recovery for 2 1/2 years. Recently we discovered my nephew is an addict, I help my brother and sister in law along with my son, is getting him into a rehab in Florida. Now he is preparing to transition to sober living, he is 20, a young 20. My son who is now an intensive case manager in a treatment center, has helped my brother save so much money for treatment and now sober living. My brother told him you need to take care of your cousin, and you need to be a cousin right now, when you were sick and went away to rehab it affected him. So my son said, I am always his cousin, and I haven't changed, I went into treatment to work on myself, and I will be here if he needs me but this isn't a family reunion, he needs to work on him. My brother is an extremely ignorant person, who has never taken the time to learn about addiction, he himself has been enabled by my mom and dad terribly.
I was happy my son made it very clear, but my husband and I were truly agitated that my brother has never, considered the journey our son has been on, and believe it is unfair that he would hold my son responsible for my nephew. I love my nephew, and my brother, however I want to make it clear to my brother and sister in law that S. is still in active recovery, and it is time for my nephew to work his program and this journey is his and his alone, as it was S. Wheww. really needed to vent, and release. How would you handle this?
jainlor
jainlor
I think your son said it well and do think your brother needs some more education on addiction. do not think it is fair to put that pressure on your son. wishing you strength as you deal with the brother. hugs
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I don't think you need to, except to say "we support our son 100%".
When people are scared, the less enlightened tend to lash out.
This may already have passed.

If it comes up again, you just have to teach your brother that each person is on their own journey. If he couldn't stop his own son, than how can his cousin. Emotionally charged situation, for sure, but your boy-o has it completely in hand. (I bet his cousin agrees with him too)
hugs my dear.
Take a deep breathe
kimpalmer
kimpalmer
Dee, your boy set a from boundary.. Good for him! I know that it seems like everyone but the addict wants to do the "work".. S is so very right.. it is your nephew's program, no one can do it except him....sorry your brother is expecting S to step in...love you darling!!
deehigs
deehigs
Hi Dee I think it may come from desperation on your brothers behalf to have someone; anyone look out for his son. I'm sure he couldn't possibly really think Sean could control his son, I know many times in the beginning if my journey I was so very desperate to hold someone not responsible but maybe accountable ?? Does that make sense at all? What I'm trying to say is although if course in my head I knew if Matt went out with some of his friends that I trusted I knew they could not stop him if he was he'll bent on doing something stupid but maybe it just gave me a very false sense of security to think someone had his back. Anyway that was a long time ago and many lessons have been learned by me since but maybe that's where your brother is coming from I don't know but I think Sean handled it great! Love ya Dee
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Dee and I too think your son did an excellent job at not only responding in an appropriate way but showed great strength in setting a firm boundary. I truly believe when people who are unprepared, and faced with uncertainty or adversity typically play the blame game and/or look for a scape goat to lay the blame. Sounds like your brother needs a reality check and some old fashion education into this disease. If it were my brother I'd have a good sit-down come to Jesus conversation with both him and his wife and make sure when you meet with them you come prepared with plenty of supportive information and leave with their commitment to help both their son and yours rather than taking the easy road by sitting on the side-lines waiting for things to change.
dmatt124
dmatt124
Thank you Ladies, as always you insight and advice is invaluable.
donna7455
donna7455
I agree with everyone. Good for your son!

I have a friend who has two sons who let him know at the same time they are both heroin addicts. He was completely clueless about addiction. The first thing I did was get him the book Beautiful Boy. He read the whole book in one sitting and said it helped him very much to open his eyes.
marg6300
marg6300
Dee I think the only thing you can do is keep offering educational materials to your bro. We all know S can't save him but it sounds like your Bro is still in a bit of denial.... I think you and S handled him exactly right and over time he will come to the understanding that only his boy can fix this.You guys are wonderful and so supportive but your nephew has to do this and your Bro has to come to this on his own as well.