I hear your frustration. Most of us commit ever enabling act known to mankind. We as parents want to believe our children. We do what we think will help them. Addiction doesn't come with an owners manual. It's not something we have pictured for our lives or our children when we had them.

But unfortunately it's what we deal with. I am guessing you have not had children? Or if so none addicted? If that's the case count your blessings. Our shoes are very heavy.

So he has three that are addicted. I have two. Not sure of your point? We didn't create this in our children regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Honestly I feel for your DH. Hes in the middle of a no win situation. His kids are a mess and his partner gives up. Not what you signed on for I'm sure. Lucky for you you have the choice to walk away. Yeah we can too as a parent. For me I chose to keep trying to figure out what I can do to keep my kids alive. I educate myself on addiction.

I'm just saying in my opinion that if I had someone making my life harder then it already is I'd rather go it alone.

Sorry your post just rubbed me the wrong way

"Givenup107" it's ironic that your response is about not giving up yet your name implies your frustrations with addiction too. Did you choose that name at a breaking point?

I agree with you that I could never give up on my family.. sure they drive me crazy sometimes, but there is no way I could ever just give up hoping for recovery. Sometimes I distance myself if I find my mind takes over and the idea of addiction and the fear of what drugs are doing to my sister is all I can think about at night time. That's the worst for me.

"Startingo. ." Have you ever heard the idea of " live and let go?". This helps me out when I find myself too invested in my sisters business... or even my parents idea if what to do next... sometimes just letting things be and living my life is the only healthy option.

... For example just let your husband deal with his sons and try to stay positive for him. If he asks for your opinion or help then step in. Otherwise focus on something completely that's yours. A puzzle? Book? Fitness class. Make it your exit when you start to feel that anger. It might help your husband find a ray of light too.

For me, this approach sometimes helps my relationship (not always... damn cortisone levels!!!). My husband joined my family and sometimes I need him to back off but other times step up.

Good luck and live it up!!

Actually my name givenup refers to another group I had belonged to about physical and emotional abuse. So my choices in relationships created this name.

As for my sons...many times I felt the frustration and wanted to run away. But I never did. Thing is it's easy when they aren't yours to want your partner to. As for addiction I always say until it hits home to you it's hard to get it. I understand her frustration. She's a stepmom with no say in her home. Blended families are difficult in the best of circumstances

Live and let go is exactly what I did two years ago. And, yes...as a woman who married into this family of addicts, I feel no bond or connection to these young men. Therefore, I focus on my husband and stay silent. I didn't used to and it caused a major rift between us. Watching him enable his son and use OUR money to do it aggravated me to no end. Yes...blended families are NOT easy as we have no love or connection to each other's adult children. My focus is my husband and giving HIM the best life I can. His children, I want no part of except for SS32 who has chosen the right path. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, but I'm not. The drama and chaos they caused in our lives overwhelmed me to the point I ended up in therapy.

And yes...having no say in my own home IS hard, but, out of love for dh, I now stay silent and trust he will do the right thing for US and his statement to his son this time...that this is THE LAST TIME he will help him was music to my ears. He also said after SS23 went to rehab last time that he would NEVER allow him to live with us again as I almost left him because of SS23. He isn't willing to lose ME which speaks volumes to me. Dh has dealt with his sons addictions for 20 years. Enough is enough. He deserves a happy and peaceful life and they don't give him that. That's what I want for him.

And, by the way, I DO have 4 adult daughters who are normal, college educated, hold jobs, etc...and yes...I DO feel lucky. However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to allow these addicts to take dh's and my happiness away. Won't allow it. AND, the last 2 times SS23 has crashed and burned and had nowhere else to turn, dh has asked ME (with a sad look on his face) what I would do if it was MY kid. So not fair. I immediately saw my own daughters' faces in front of me and knew I couldn't turn them away completely. I believe dh was looking to ME to make the hard decision to let his son figure it out for himself and I couldn't do it. But, if he ever asks again, I will. Again...enough is enough.

You know what rubbed me the wrong way? When you said your husband thought he was doing better (Ha!)

It's almost like you sit back waiting for you to be able to think...I told him so.

Your husband turns to you for answers not because he's afraid to lose you ONLY. He turns to you because he needs support. He's a disaster like all of us. Not speaking to his kid who already feels like complete shit about himself doesn't make you someone better...it makes you someone bitter. These addicts sometimes go 10 or 20 times to rehabs if they are lucky enough to live long enough.

I get the chaos in the household and being unhappy having them around when they use. It's horrible. But you only see it thru your eyes. You have no clue what it really feels like. You think you do because you don't like it and you don't want it ruining your happiness. Your husband is hurting. Bad.

One thing I will say is if you want your marriage to stay together drag your husband and yourself to some meetings. addicts or not these are still his children.

I do not pretend to know how it feels to have children like dh's. And, dh DID go to meetings years ago and says he could lead these meetings. He refuses to go now.

Staying distant and silent is my way of coping with someone who makes me very uncomfortable in my own home. Dh used to get angry at me for it, but seems to understand it now. He knows I am here for him and support him helping his son, but ONLY until he gets into rehab.
I consider myself an outsider looking in. If it was my child that was the addict and dh kept distant, I wouldn't blame him one bit.

If your husband could run those meetings his kids wouldn't be living in your house unless they were clean. Period.

Silence is like a steam engine that has a cap on it. One day it will explode. Bad situation all around. You do know you can go to meetings for yourself to cope.

Thing is in my house...you don't enter high. You don't call me high. You don't make me walk on egg shells when you're high. That's what going to meetings teach you. And both my boys are clean right now because of that. Maybe he needs a refresher meeting.

Right now SS23 has been given no choice but to not drink or do drugs. He doesn't have a car; dh took his cell phone away and he is only allowed to go to AA meetings with his sponsor.

Dh also set those boundaries. Do drugs and you don't live in my house. Now, with his 5 year track record, I know dh will never let him live with us again.

I agree with all of your boundaries. Well done!

Actually just found out that in some towns they give you free drug testing kits. Also some youth organizations. They will also teach you how to read the results properly. These are clinical tests. Just a thought. I test mine randomly when he's here