Hi WoMom1, Welcome to the forum. You came to the right place. I have gotten so much help from the people on this forum and made some good friends.

Did your son just start drinking and smoking pot recently? If so, good for you for catching it early. My son was very good at hiding things. He started drinking when he was 13 and moved on to pot and then prescription pills. I knew that he got drunk a couple of times and smoked pot once or twice, but I had no idea that it had gotten out of hand. As I was grounding him for smoking the occasional cigarette, he was snorting morphine in the school bathrooms! By the time I figured out what was happening when he was almost 17, he was addicted to opiates, benzos and marijuana.

They now know addiction is genetic which is sad. But good thing is your found out while he was young. The statistics show if caught when younger the success rate is higher. I hope he stays clean, counseling is very important.
Ellis institute did a study several years ago and found addicts who went to counseling everyweek and went to group meeting had a better success rate of getting clean and staying clean. I wish i could find that study it was very good but Ellis Inst. changed their web site and I can't find it.
Hope it all works out and glad you found this board you will get alot of support from other parents.

Thank you both. Unfortunately, he's been smoking pot since he was about 13/14. Around 15, he started sneaking cigarretes. At 16, he stole some prescription meds from my husband (anti-anxiety meds). All meds (including cough syrup) are now stored in a locked safe. That's when he started going to NA. When I found an empty gin bottle in his room, he claimed it came from a friend who didn't know what to do with the little bit that was left and so he gave it to my son. (Really?? Does he think I was born yesterday?) Then after returning from an over-night at another friend's house a week later, I found a bottle of vodka, 3/4 full. Again, his friend had someone buy it and then "the friend" didn't want the rest so he gave it to my son. (Two different friends who just happened to give my son their bottles of liquor--wow--what a coincidence!) That's when the therapist was brought in to the picture. Also, we have had to discontinue the NA meetings because my husband knows several of the people who attend & they are known dealers, who actively pursue "newbies" at support groups. The teen clinic-outpatient- that we went to was horrendous. I've never met a more unprofessional staff. There was no focus or motivation for the kids there. Basically the majority of teens were there because it was court-mandated. I had the group facilitator tell me, "This is just so we keep them clean for a couple hours. They "do their time" & fulfill their legal obligation." When I spoke to the head of the clinic about this she agreed with the statement to some degree but also said that the facility was struggling with professionalism among their staff. After consulting with a trusted therapist, she advised us to "swiftly & urgently get [your] son out of there", and we did. So right now we are working with the drug counselor/teen therapist every week & looking for a more appropriate place for group support for him.
It saddens me so much. And I feel so much shame writing about all of this. My son has so much going for him--as do most kids. But it pains me to see him continue to make un-wise choices. And I feel like a failure as a parent. Thanks for listening.

Just read what I wrote and need to clarify something. The therapist was actually brought into the picture after the pill incident. Hard to keep it all straight (no pun intended) in my head. Thanks again.

Please don't feel like a failure. This is happening to the best of parents. I have a friend who is a school guidance counselor at the local middle school. She and her husband are terrific, hands-on parents. Her older son was a straight-A student who is now in college at a good university studying engineering. Her second son (18) is addicted to heroin. A girl at their school who was also a straight-A student died of an OxyContin overdose. Her father is a doctor and mother a stay-at-home, very hands-on mother. My 21 year old daughter never caused us a minute's trouble. My son is an opiate addict. It's all so random. I think the dealers are targeting the suburban families because the kids have money. Some kids are susceptible and others are not and parents have no control. This is happening everywhere and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

The incident with the pills is troubling and you were right to have him go to a therapist. Has he been drug-tested? If he's going after prescription drugs at home, there's a good chance that he has tried them other times. I have found that he has easy access to morphine, OxyContin, valium, Adderall, and a host of other drugs that other kids are taking from their parents and grandparents.

One question is where he is getting the alcohol from. He may have someone who is buying it for him. If you have any at home, it should also be locked up, but friends may be taking it from their parents and giving it to him. Some parents actually buy booze for their teenagers! I've also discovered the hard way that it is common for them to steal bottles of booze from the alcohol section of grocery stores. Then you get legal troubles on top of the addiction problems.

Feel free to search his room and read his text messages. You are now dealing with a life-threatening enemy and his privacy is less important than you knowing what is going on. From reading text messages I figured out who was dealing, who was using, and what they were using. Searching his room I routinely found empty pill capsules as well as over-the-counter drugs like Tylenol PM or Benadryl.

It seems to me that about a year and a half ago I was exactly where you are. I'm trying to think back to the things I had to watch out for at that time. Definitely look at the money supply. Do you keep cash in your wallet? Try to limit any access he has to cash. I also discovered that some of my jewelry was pawned and our DVD's were being sold for cash. Look around. Are you missing anything?

Also be very careful about letting him drive. I can tell you some real horror stories about what happens when a group of drunk or using kids gets behind the wheel of your car.

I pray that you caught this in time and it hasn't gone too far. You sure seem to be doing the right things. But, you may be in for a very rocky ride and just know that you aren't alone. There are many of us who have gone down this path before with our kids.

Donna7455, thank you so much for your kind words. To answer some of the questions you raised, he doesn't drive--we won't let him even get his permit right now. All of our money and any jewelry is locked up--at all times. My purse is always at my side and I keep a bell tied to it! We cut him off from money last year. But he probably sold some of the pills he stole-he won't admit to that though. The alcohol was purchased by someone legal with money that my son's girlfriend had. I've already talked to her mom (who is a school health teacher) and I've explained the situation. I politely asked her to speak with her daughter about providing money to my son---but who knows if she did speak with her and even if she did, these kids will just do whatever they feel compelled to do it seems. Yes, he's been drug tested. At the out-patient clinic it was mandatory and it was monitored. Positive for THC. His blood tests from our family dr. confirmed the same.
I search his room routinely and cell phone texts. There are certain "friends" that can no longer come to the house, nor can he go to their homes. We have him on a very short leash--so to speak. I had to swallow my pride and call family members and tell them to please remove pills, cough meds, etc. from sight if we are invited to their homes. As well as jewelry. It's a horrible way to live. But I have a saying, 'keep the honest, honest'. (Don't want someone to steal your new car? Then don't leave the keys inside of it. Remove the temptation.) Even "good" kids can make stupid choices on impulse.
I spoke with therapist today and asked him, "Based on what you've seen, heard and know, is my son in danger? Are we in a crisis situation?" His reply was, "No you are not."
I wish I could believe him.

Unfortuately when you deal with stated funded programs majority are courted ordered kids and adults.
I see you live in NY don't know it you live near St Judes but my ex went there and it was a very good program. Not 12 step more cognitive behavior. Here is their web site. Ex wishes he would of stayed at St Judes.
http://www.soberforever.net/varc.htm

Thanks Katrinka--I'll check it out although it's not in our area.

I think your therapist may be right. So far, everything that you've said indicates that he is abusing drugs, which is different from being dependent on them. You may have caught this on time. There are no guarantees that he won't continue to abuse drugs or even become addicted. This is out of your control. However, you do seem to have set things up to make it difficult for him to use.

A 17 year old needs to have things to do outside the home and family, which means they will be exposed to people and things that will put him at risk. When he's 18, he will have complete control over who he sees and what he decides to to. Now is a good time to get him involved in alternatives to drugs and alcohol and to have him meet "safe" people. Hobbies, a job, sports, clubs, volunteer work, music, etc. are good ways for him to re-direct his energy and help motivate him to stay clean.

A big risk for parents like us is to get overly involved in protecting our kids. It can be hard to detach and to "let go and let God". Are you doing anything for yourself?

Up until about 3 years ago, he was actively involved in karate--completed black belt level. (But even then it was apparent that he had gotten high before class a few times. An experience he said after the fact, "was horrible." Hard to do those 100 push-ups when you're stoned, I imagine.) He's an avid guitar player, self-taught and has been trying to form a band. Again, I fear this activity is one that will just perpetuate the pot use. But it's a double-edged sword because I don't want to squash his creativity either. He's a talented artist and has created some beautiful drawings & paintings. He's well-read, too smart for his own good at times and loves to discuss politics, history, religion, forenics, chemistry, philosophy....and of course the way drugs affect the brain and the body. He'd make a great counselor, if he wasn't a user!
Another interesting tid-bit from therapist. He explained to me that because I am a (self-confessed) worrier, the fact that my son is telling me he's smoking, drinking, etc. makes it feel like an out-of-control, crisis situation. Because most teens don't talk to their parents/guardians about what's going on, he said that since my son does plays right into my worrisome nature. But therapist also mentioned that he felt it was incredibly important to keep the current dialogue going, when he wants to speak, take the time to listen. When he's willing to listen, speak with him.
As far as doing anything for myself, I haven't--in a long time. You are so right donna, that it is very difficult to let go and trust that I've given him the tools he needs to forge his own path.
Thank you so much for contuining to be supportive--it has a strong impact on my heart.

There's nothing like the love of a mother. I'm learning some things just reading what you've written. We start taking special care of them before they're even born, then we do everything in our power to be great moms, and think (MY) child would never do anything like this. At least, that's what I thought. Same thing...'A,B' student, draws, read, in church (still is ocassionally), played saxophone and drugs in school, works hard now, etc. You already get the picture.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Like I said, I'm learning as I've made excuses for him, but he knows I"m here for him too...when HE'S ready because I do know HE has to make the decision, at 24, to get professional help. I can only lead him, but can't make him drink....no punn intended.

A father can also love a child the way a mother can. But I get the point you were making in this context.

Thank you for your supportive words. Yes, a parents love extends far beyond infancy, childhood & adolescence.

Very true WoMan! For some its hard to see when the child becomes a adult because we still see them as our baby :).

When my son was staying at St. Christophers Inn, in Garrison, NY, with the friars, there was a young man just finishing up who was turning 18 in two weeks. It is a wonderful place. Perhaps he could get in there. My son went to St. Vincents, for 1 month, was sent to St. Christopher's and then got into the program at St. Joseph's in Saranac Lake. A total of almost 7 months. He is 21 plus months sober today. I credit his hard work, God and those programs. Good luck