gina

you are waaaaaay too early on in your suffering to be setting limits on your pain - there is NO timeline you need to follow!!! PLEASE lay on your couch...PLEASE be unapologetic about it. My dad did not return to work for almost a year after my brother committed suicide. Every one is different. Just because you are suffering in your jammies right now does not somehow predict that you will be doing that forever.

I know what you mean when you say that you want to be consumed by her daily still...it is your only way to remain close to her. To keep her in your daily life. I understand. I actually read what you wrote wistfully - I wish I could still be consumed by them (my brother and father) I wish I was able to remember them that strongly. Sounds crazy...but feelings of jealousy bubbled up in me reading your post...when years have past and you have returned to daily life, and those around you fear bringing up your loved one's name....well, that is where I am. I somehow long for the days of jammies and slippers and tissues and doing nothing but loving my lost ones.

I am sending you warm hugs and powerful prayer. I am so sorry for your loss.

Yes, it is far too early for you to have to justify or question how you're feeling. Breathe, make yourself eat, and take one baby step a day.

I hope that you'll think about getting some counseling for your grief. I'm also hoping that you'll come to understand just how powerful depression and/or mental illness can be on kids. My cousin attempted suicide in her late teens and says she never really thought about it is being permanent. She just wanted the pain to stop. This is not your fault. It's obvious that you love her very much. And you tried so hard to get her the help she so desperately needed. You loved her, and you tried. Allow yourself some kindness, and please know you are among people here who understand.

Come in here and vent and share as often as you need to. We are here for one another in grief and in healing.

Peace to you.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. But, please know this isn't your fault at all! And, its okay to be sad about it. Everyone would be. Don't feel bad about sitting on the couch in your pajamas. I think for the main part, we all would. Losing someone so important will never be easy to recover from. But, I promise you she's in a better place. She is probably a lot happier now. Stay strong. I believe you can. It'll get better. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But someday, you'll feel better :) xx

Getting "better"??? WHO is expecting this of you? There is not ONE WORK you have ever typed that I have not thought, felt, agonized over, experienced and been tormented by. THIS IS NORMAL YOU ARE NORMAL. I could have written this post word FOR WORD.

Guilt. Responsibility. Didn't do enough, gave myself 24/7 but it wasn't enough; said something wrong; did something wrong; my life is worthless, look what happened to my precious child; I am worthless; I am responsible; I do not deserve to go on; I will never have any sort of life again; I know it all by heart Gina.

Three years, one month, five days: a Wednesday somewhere between 4:23 PM and 4:30 PM, my life ended. I am now trying to find a way to continue living it. If anyone even suggests to you that you should be "getting over it by now", never speak to that persona again. S/he is an idiot. There are Moms here who are years on this road and still have meltdowns, still have guilt, still try to take responsibility. It is a long and torturous journey. The only person you OWE ANYTHING TO is YOURSELF. You need a good counselor (and I believe you said you had found one) more than once a week: twice. You most likely need Xanax (I know you have it, don't over use it), perhaps Remeron at night with a good, solid, proven SSRI such as Prozac (they help one another). Definitely a psychiatrist who understands pharmacology. And time. Lots of time. You haven't even met the "firsts" yet.

I was on the floor screaming after 9 weeks, several times a day. I couldn't go out for more than an hour at at time. I had a psychiatrist and two therapists each week. I had no one in real life, I was battling it alone. Her father lives 150 miles away, I think he was just waiting for the cops to answer the phone and tell him I was dead.

Work? It's work STAYING ALIVE. Don't expect your husband to mourn as you are, men are different. Refuse to tolerate any demands of any sort upon you by anyone. You have many months, years, to deal with this in a way that frees you, really frees you, from any feeling of responsibility. I KNOW I did everything for my kid, I KNOW it was her choice and her severe mental illness was impossible for me to even imagine, AND I STILL FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

Nobody has a right to tell you how long you're allowed to grieve or how you should grieve. Those people that are getting tired of you, are not people that you should be around. Everything you're feeling right now, is completely normal for someone grieving a loss to suicide, especially their only child. I lost my dad, my boyfriend, and my cousin, in 2012. They all shot themselves. I'm still not over it, and I know I never will be. It's something we will never get over, but it does get easier and in time, the pain won't be quite as unbearable. I understand that you feel guilty. Again, that is perfectly normal... but if your daughter was that depressed and that determined to end her life, she would have done it one way or another, and you couldn't have stopped it. As for feeling guilty about moving on, that's also normal... but that will also pass, in time. Your daughter wouldn't want you to be miserable, even though it's inevitable when we lose someone. I don't know her reasons, but I know that she didn't do it to hurt you. Suicide is more complex than people seem to realize, because there are so many reasons for it, and we will most likely never know those reasons. I drove myself crazy for months trying to understand why my loved ones did what they did. I can only assume, because I have no idea what was going on in their heads at the time... and over time, I learned to accept that I will never know the answer.


I suggest you start seeing a grief counselor or therapist to help you through this. I don't know from experience, but I hear that it helps a lot. My boyfriend's mom also lost her only child and she goes to a therapy every week and it really seems to help her. Coming to this site also helps. I have met so many sweet people on here. I usually hang out on the depression and anxiety forums. I don't come on this one much because nobody really seems to post that much. Feel free to add me as a friend and message me if you would ever like to talk. HUGS.

Hello ginachurchwell1970,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hear you so clearly when you talk about how people think you should be 'moving on' with regard to your life. I am not sure if you have seen your doctor regarding your own depression, but this time period can be extremely difficult, it has been for all of us. I am not suggesting that you get med and run off to work, NO WAY! When my husband died October 11, 2012, I wasn't able to ever go back to my job. I was able to work from home but I made it clear to them that I would not come back and work a full time job, especially at that point. I was (and still am on some moments of the day) a basket case. My mentioning the doctor is for your sanity, they may prescribe you something to sleep (sleep was something I absolutely could not do), they might also prescribe an anti-depressant, but more important than all the doctors in the world, is a suicide support group.
I am not sure if you have located a suicide support group in your area, but most are free, donations accepted. They are peer driven, not like going into a psychologist's office at all. But these people have a shared experience with you, something no one in the world knows better, and it is NOT a grief counseling group. Grief counseling is for death, but what all of us here have in common is that this is a violent death, it carries trauma for all of us. The depth of our despair is like none other. I am SO sorry for your loss and I really hope you have a good support group with your family and friends. That close support will wane as time goes by, but you badly need it right now. Friday was my 27th anniversary of meeting my husband, and I am coming up on the 2nd year of his death in 11 days. I have flashbacks, I want to talk to him, I am mad at the waste of our lives now, I am having to face my future alone, and the sadness has changed in phases, but it has times during any day that it is as strong and suffocating as many times during the first few months. I know you are looking for answers, especially since your daughter seemed to have been suffering an inner turmoil, I am hopeful you will come to some answers, maybe only one answer, in time.
You say that you feel a disrespect for moving on, for having a good day, I know that feeling. I STILL have it and I am working on trying to move on from it. I was drawn to your statement that you don't know why you should be the one to get better, that you deserve to not get better, Your suffering keeps you close, you don't want to go through the day without thinking about her, you want her still in your life, you want to be consumed by her.
I can absolutely guarantee you, all of these things will continue for you, Unfortunately! I feel guilty just experiencing the slightest of joys and yet I know I have to move forward through this and I have made a strong attempt to.
But you will be consumed by her, think about her every day, wish everything was completely different and that the two of you had figured out everything about life so that this never happened.
But it did.
I am very sorry for your loss, I am sorry for everyone on DS suicide and death formats because this is simply a group that none of us wants to be a part of, but you are.
There are very knowledgeable people here, they have good insights, maybe you have met some of them, but these group leaders on the site are very helpful.
If you want to talk, please message me. I have been away from DS for a bit, trying to get my own life straightened out a bit, I moved, and the dust is settling. But I will check my messages if you send one. Be well.