I know there is an adult children of alcoholics and other things like that and I KNOW there isn't an adult children of suicide, but I always check here every few months to see if there are any others like me.

I am a 40-year-old male who lost his mother to suicide when I was 15. For 22 years I never cried about it aside from the night that it happened. I was never really encouraged or allowed to. My father was an ex-marine and he handled it like it was a goldfish that died. Internally I know he was feeling much, much more but emotions are weakness. He passed away in 1998, 13 years later, and it's no coincidence that the last 10 years of his life he was riddled with medical trauma after trauma (stroke, heart attack, hip replacement from a fall from another stroke, you name it).

I lived my life, drank a bit too much but spent time with friends, dated girls here and there and got married in 1997 and have been married since. However, in 2007 just months after out 10-year wedding anniversary, my wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore and was leaving me.

She never filed for divorce but took six weeks to find an apartment, moved out and left me living alone for the first time in my life. A 37-year old man suddenly turned into a 15-year old boy scared he was going to die. It was the worst experience of my life because I was apparently in shock and denial back in the 1980's when my mom was heading down the road to suicide and finally completed.

My wife moved back home six months later realizing the error of her ways and her overreaction due to a horrible work situation, early, early menopause and other factors. But since that day, I have not been the same.

Now that the door has been opened to all of those feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, sheer terror and of being abandoned, it won't shut. I have been in therapy since she left and am on my second therapist. I have read numerous self help books, have tried EMDR and every anti-depressant and anxiety drug known to man and nothing stops me from reacting to things.

There is no logical threat that my wife is going to leave me again and even if she did I know I could survive it like I did the first time. However, there are such deep seeded feelings I have, or I guess I should say my inner child has, that can't be stopped and when he is triggered, he takes over my mind and the 40-year old steps aside.

I feel broken, like I will never be able to shake these constant triggers and that I will always live my life in fear and sadness.

I doubt there are any other adult children of suicide out there because there never seem to be when I reach out, but I continue to check. I feel like I am the only person in the world who lost his mother to suicide as a kid and finds it affecting his everyday life and especially his relationship all these years later. It makes me sad.

Thanks for reading.