Families & Friends Affected By Suicide Support Group
Suicide affects not only the individual, but also the family and friends who provide support and love. This community is offered as a place for those affected by suicide to gather and gain strength from each other. PLEASE NOTE: If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, please take advantage of our CRISIS RESOURCES, which you can find at the bottom of every page of the...
I know there is an adult children of alcoholics and other things like that and I KNOW there isn't an adult children of suicide, but I always check here every few months to see if there are any others like me.
I am a 40-year-old male who lost his mother to suicide when I was 15. For 22 years I never cried about it aside from the night that it happened. I was never really encouraged or allowed to. My father was an ex-marine and he handled it like it was a goldfish that died. Internally I know he was feeling much, much more but emotions are weakness. He passed away in 1998, 13 years later, and it's no coincidence that the last 10 years of his life he was riddled with medical trauma after trauma (stroke, heart attack, hip replacement from a fall from another stroke, you name it).
I lived my life, drank a bit too much but spent time with friends, dated girls here and there and got married in 1997 and have been married since. However, in 2007 just months after out 10-year wedding anniversary, my wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore and was leaving me.
She never filed for divorce but took six weeks to find an apartment, moved out and left me living alone for the first time in my life. A 37-year old man suddenly turned into a 15-year old boy scared he was going to die. It was the worst experience of my life because I was apparently in shock and denial back in the 1980's when my mom was heading down the road to suicide and finally completed.
My wife moved back home six months later realizing the error of her ways and her overreaction due to a horrible work situation, early, early menopause and other factors. But since that day, I have not been the same.
Now that the door has been opened to all of those feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, sheer terror and of being abandoned, it won't shut. I have been in therapy since she left and am on my second therapist. I have read numerous self help books, have tried EMDR and every anti-depressant and anxiety drug known to man and nothing stops me from reacting to things.
There is no logical threat that my wife is going to leave me again and even if she did I know I could survive it like I did the first time. However, there are such deep seeded feelings I have, or I guess I should say my inner child has, that can't be stopped and when he is triggered, he takes over my mind and the 40-year old steps aside.
I feel broken, like I will never be able to shake these constant triggers and that I will always live my life in fear and sadness.
I doubt there are any other adult children of suicide out there because there never seem to be when I reach out, but I continue to check. I feel like I am the only person in the world who lost his mother to suicide as a kid and finds it affecting his everyday life and especially his relationship all these years later. It makes me sad.
Thanks for reading.
I am a 40-year-old male who lost his mother to suicide when I was 15. For 22 years I never cried about it aside from the night that it happened. I was never really encouraged or allowed to. My father was an ex-marine and he handled it like it was a goldfish that died. Internally I know he was feeling much, much more but emotions are weakness. He passed away in 1998, 13 years later, and it's no coincidence that the last 10 years of his life he was riddled with medical trauma after trauma (stroke, heart attack, hip replacement from a fall from another stroke, you name it).
I lived my life, drank a bit too much but spent time with friends, dated girls here and there and got married in 1997 and have been married since. However, in 2007 just months after out 10-year wedding anniversary, my wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore and was leaving me.
She never filed for divorce but took six weeks to find an apartment, moved out and left me living alone for the first time in my life. A 37-year old man suddenly turned into a 15-year old boy scared he was going to die. It was the worst experience of my life because I was apparently in shock and denial back in the 1980's when my mom was heading down the road to suicide and finally completed.
My wife moved back home six months later realizing the error of her ways and her overreaction due to a horrible work situation, early, early menopause and other factors. But since that day, I have not been the same.
Now that the door has been opened to all of those feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, sheer terror and of being abandoned, it won't shut. I have been in therapy since she left and am on my second therapist. I have read numerous self help books, have tried EMDR and every anti-depressant and anxiety drug known to man and nothing stops me from reacting to things.
There is no logical threat that my wife is going to leave me again and even if she did I know I could survive it like I did the first time. However, there are such deep seeded feelings I have, or I guess I should say my inner child has, that can't be stopped and when he is triggered, he takes over my mind and the 40-year old steps aside.
I feel broken, like I will never be able to shake these constant triggers and that I will always live my life in fear and sadness.
I doubt there are any other adult children of suicide out there because there never seem to be when I reach out, but I continue to check. I feel like I am the only person in the world who lost his mother to suicide as a kid and finds it affecting his everyday life and especially his relationship all these years later. It makes me sad.
Thanks for reading.
I am an adult child survivor of suicide. My father took his own life last July. I know what it is like to feel like a lost child and not be able to stand up and be the man you thought you were meant to be. Like you, I have searched for websites and books for survivors of suicide and the majority seemed taylored to children and spouses. Books that I have come across have small dedicated chapters to adult children but so small that they seem insignificant. There seems to be a mentality that we are now adults and that it shouldn't affect us they way it does a small child or a spouse, when the truth is otherwise.
it's so hard to continue with my life as it was prior to last month. I can't concentrate on my school work, I feel down. I put on this mask every time I leave my house in hopes that those around me won't see how much pain I am in. I learned from my dad that at an early age that intense emotions are to be kept to oneself. Other's don't need to see what I'm dealing with. I don't need to impose on their happiness just because I am feeling down and depressed.
I know this is all wrong. I know that I should express myself. I know my friends would be okay if let it all go. But I'm too afraid to. I can't let myself go in front of others, it's against everything I've ever done. I'm afraid that if I let myself cry, that I won't be able to stop. I'd be such a burden. I don't want to make others feel unhappy just because I do.
I can't believe he actually did this. What if I would have called him like I kept telling myself I should have? What if I'd just sent him a text message that said "I love you. Can't wait to see you this summer when I come to visit?" What if I had seen the text message he had apparently sent me a few days prior that said "I just want you to know that I love you?" If only I had seen that text message, then I would have called him. Maybe he wouldn't have done it.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I feel angry, sad, depressed, destructive, abandoned, guilty. I don't know what to do with myself.