I'm so sorry for your loss. We all grieve in different ways. Your sister has good intentions, even though you probably want her to leave you alone. Sometimes it may be hard to get up and get out, but try to for a little bit.

May I suggest a good therapist or a grief group? I couldn't get out of bed and would stare into space for hours at a time. When the pain was unbearable I would go back to bed. I learned that I had to go on with life and that she would not want me to live like this anymore. I sought counseling, medication, and support groups. I didn't feel so alone. I wish I could take away your pain.

Do something to honor your daughter that will make you feel good...plant a rose bush, make a shirt, light a candle, write a note and send it off on a balloon.

My prayers are with you and your family.

I thank yu so much for answering my cry for help. I am going to my first support group on Thurs the 9th. My daughter left a note telling me to forgive her and how much she loved me and that she wanted me to be happy and go on with my life. But be happy? I dont think i will ever be happy again even if i wanted to be. How is it that my love for her couldnt be enough. That our friendship couldnt stop her. I know I have to go through a certain grief process and maybe talking to other parents that have gone though losing a child can help. I dont know. I love my family so much but right now I dont even want to live for them. I know thats horrible to say. Thank you again for your reply

I lost my precious daughter on March 2, she shot herself. I've been living a waking nightmare for three months. She was suffering from a serious mental illness and I literally lived in lock down in my home. That day she got away from me, pretended to be going out to run a harmless errand. I know exactly how you feel. This is a rollercoaster ride in hell, from extreme anguish and grief, through anger, disbelief, helplessness and confusion. I have two therapists. getting professional help by a good grief counselor is a must. Everyone tells me this pain "changes" and "softens" but at this point I am devastated. I sympathize with your loss.

Im so sorry for your loss, my daughtter also shot herself..I live with the emotion of why was my love and care for her not enough for her, I ask her why she did this to me!! Realistically I know she didnt do this to me but i keep feeling that maybe if??? When does that go away. What if I went out with her that night. The pain is so physical sometimes not only emotional. I'm lucky I have been on prozac since menopause cause i dont think i would make it through. The xanax is so, so. I know i'll never, never get over this, I just want to be able to cope with the unbearable pain. I have a son and grandchildren and I know how unfar it would be to them if i didn't try to take care of myself, but the truth is, i don't want to right now. I think we are suffering the worse pain possible. To lose a child is not the natural order of things, that's bad enough but losing a child to suicide? I hope that being on this site and talking to each other will help somewhat.

Everything you're feeling is normal. Self blame is a huge factor. WHY did I give her the car keys and WHY didn't I followup on the you tube video I saw she watched on how to load a shotgun? WHY???? I was so tired, exhausted from back to back hospitalizations for her December before Christmas and day after Christmas into January, ran several errands that morning, and my mental health was suffering. She rarely went shopping alone, always wanted me to go with her WHY DIDN'T I PICKUP ON ALL OF THIS, AM I TO BLAME? I asked my confessor he said NO of course not, we're human and fallible, you have NO BLAME but I FEEL blame. And huge guilt. In the beginning I was literally on the floor in grief, unable to get up, many times. I never understood the term "denial" until this. It's not disbelief, it's your mind protecting you, and when that wears off BAM! I never knew such suffering was possible. I now have occasional "good" periods of time but since getting sick this past weekend it all just came back full force. THE ANGER is what I feel now because I'm so alone, she left me alone and I used to worry about dying and leaving HER alone.

This is all "normal", the new normal for us. I read Therese Rando's book "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies", I'm only halfway through because I haven't gotten to the place in grief the book is now discussing but this was like having a live in therapist. There were times I thought I was going crazy: normal. Times I screamed in the car at the top of my lungs (and still do sometimes): normal. I want this to go AWAY and it never will: normal. Facing the rest of my life without her seems impossible. I know where SHE WENT but I WANT HER HERE. I saw this coming, I knew she'd eventually do it. I tried everything to stop it. Her psychiatrist told me it was "not preventable", I wish they had told me this BEFORE, she never would have gotten out of this house without me.

Lean on God. Don't blame Him. Death, pain and evil do not come from Him. Without His grace I wouldn't have survived this far.

It so unbelievable to me that there are other people out there that know exactly how I feel, My daughter was diagnosed with New daily persistent headache. a pain in her left temple that lasted two years. drs couldnt help. I took her to all the best drs and hospitals. No one could help. She had every MRI and CAT Scan out there.
she had to quit her job the pain was so severe.
she went to the gym every day before work and couldnt any more. She was o so much medication. I did everything with her and for her. She went into such a deep depression but she promised me that she would never hurt herself because she knew what it wuld do to me. I foumd myself screaming in the car the other day and was pinching my arm to hurt myself. All i could think is that this is not real.
Thank you fohyour suggestion on the book. I am going to get it. Thank you for letting me know that im not going crazy and everything I feel is normal. Thank you

You're welcome. You're only at the start of this journey, a month from my daughter's crossing over i was a raving lunatic, so don't worry. Read the book slowly, underline passages that speak to you, and please stay in touch with me. I know exactly how you feel.

Thank you!!!! Your words did help me to understand the emotions that i'm going through. I pray that one day all of us mothers, and anyone else who has lost someone to suicide will be able to smile just a little bit some day.