ESTRANGED FROM FAMILY Community Group
This group was created to talk about family situations where estrangement was chosen or others have chosen to estrange you. Many families are now estranged with individual members, not excluding; Sister-in-Laws, Brother-in-Laws, Parents, siblings, Uncles, Aunts, the other family and so on. Sharing the reasons for estrangement in order to help those who are new in...
hi all,
can I honestly ask if it is a terrible thing to NOT want your parents in your life??? I feel terrible for not wanting to fix this anymore... I always was the one that kept my family together. The fixer, the youngest but eldest of my sisters to organise and create a wonderful family life with my parents... But lately it's like I've realised that my sadness and loneliness I feel from the estrangement has now turned into a mourning for the people I thought they were. I have analysed it to the very centre of each exact moment of when things changed and there is nothing I would or could have done differently being the person I am.
my daughter was sexually assaulted by my nephew and it IS NOT ok. It is not "normal" boyish behaviour. It was NO ACCIDENT. She had just turned 4 years old.... A Little innocent four year old precious girl with no idea about what was going to happen and what did they all do? They got mad and angry because my husband and I were not going to sweep it under the rug. There was little to NO support for all the appointments and interviews I had to take her to, the photographic evidence of the 3 layers of clothing, the video taped interview with the child assessment officer, the counselling home appointments they did while I watched her "play" for weeks afterwards.... And because I didn't want to see his face or hear his name - they chose to estrange ME! Us!!!!! My daughter lost her innocence and had to grow up fast because of that prick and no body taught him anything other then make excuses for his behaviour. The one time in my life I needed support from them instead of give it... I got nothing. I felt alone and weak. Guilt over ran thru my body for not having her with me at the hospital in emergency.... Having a miscarriage with her with me would've been a better option. But I didn't know. I couldn't have known because if I did I would have never left her with her favourite Aunty and cousins for a play on my dads birthday....
I miss having my parents and my two girls having grandparents to spoil them like they do truly deserve, but in order for that to happen that means I would have to fix it, and through my parents eyes fixing it means apologising when we have done nothing wrong.
So so my question is- how can I not be a terrible person for NOT wanting my parents around at the expense of loyalty to my girl. I know one day when she is older she won't question her mummy and daddy's loyalty at what they did for her and to protect her.... But il be honest, it is so hard. If they weren't my parents it would be so different...
Thanks for sharing your story. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member, and as I didn't have an adult like you in my life who realised what was happening and stood up for me, I had to dissociate to survive and deal with my wounds as an adult. When I did that, one side of my family denied it and sided with the offender. My father died, he couldn't reconcile the pain of letting me down and what his brother had done. And my mother and brother said they'd be there for me but did nothing to support me and started punishing me more and more. I started seeing their dissociations, and while I have compassion for their wounds and limitations, there's no space for us to have a relationship where I can be me and live my values.
I understand what you say about mourning who you thought people were. For me, it's different for different people. Some have shown me sides of themselves I hadn't realised were there that were quite nasty. Others showed weakness and a lack of courage to live values that I feel in them still.
My husband likes to say that it's hard to mourn people who are living. But the truth is, whoever I thought they were and whoever they were holding themselves out to be aren't real. And that death is something I still process like a grief of someone dying. Because the person I knew, loved, and trusted is dead. I accept that, and I try to hold in my heart that in spirit we are well. I send them good vibes when I can and love them in spirit, not in physical form. I tell stories about good and bad times, trying to be in balance about how I see things now. And yes I do feel lonely at times and cry, but that's better than being abused and endangered. I find the more peace I find with the situation, the more people I meet who treat me like my family said they would but didn't. I am glad that in my innocence I kept trying to see the best in people who were severely letting me down. And I feel that deep down they're so lost in guilt, shame and denial that they'll never say it, but that they are very sorry about how they behaved.
I, and it sounds like you, have maintained integrity and found the courage to call out damaging untruths and walk away towards safety. That's a priceless gift they've given us - the opportunity to build relationships that aren't toxic and based on tricks. You and your daughter deserve to experience the joy and relief of finding healthy people to call family, regardless of blood or marriage. I pray you experience that soon.