Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
Hi, Ive never joined a group or posted in one; however, Im hoping to get some answers and insight as to what I am going through.
Im 52 yo, married this year will make 30 years, we have 2 beautiful daughters. Our oldest just moved out last summer with her new husband and their kids (they have been living with us since the first grandchild was born 7 years ago), our other daughter is now 18 and in college and has a full time job, she is still living at home but we never really see her as she is doing her own thing. My eldest, Stormy, was the glue that helped hold my husband and I together all these years, this is the first time we have lived in a house without her. It seems so strange as I was so excited when they found their own place and were moving out..i mean it was totally loud and hectic around here. Now its just always quiet and everything is in its place, even me..Ive spent the last 30 years being a mom and house wife for the most part, I worked part time as a school bus driver for 12 years while my eldest was in school, Ive not worked tho in like 7 years now.
Now that my kids are own their own, Im wondering what my husband and I have in common or if we even really like the same things or even each other? Seems as though nothing really ever changes for him, he gets up goes to work every day does his thing and comes home. As for me well Im here at the house with no transportation (my car is sick at the moment, my hubby been working on it when he takes the notion that is...doesnt really seem to be a big priority) the laundry stays caught up, even my 18 yo laundry is done, the house is clean, ive painted the walls, redecorated, watched plenty of tv, got plenty of sleep. I sit here just waiting until its time for me to start dinner and once my hubby comes in at 6 dinner is ready. He comes in, kisses me hello, i fix his plate, he eats in front of his phone barely even listening to me or just getting annoyed because im interrupting his phone time...i end up in bed usually before 8pm just to wake up at midnight. I spend 90 percent of my awakness alone with my thoughts which is not always a good thing.
I know folks say, go volunteer in ones community, get a hobby, make new friends..yadda yadda all that sounds great however if you dont have any self confidence all these things are not that easy, and well if it cost money it may be a problem if my hubby dont find it necessary.
I look around and think about my life and all the times ive put on a smile and pretended i was happy and everything was grand, as im a giver and I dont do confrontations so Im not one to speak up when things go wrong for me. Ive learned over the years if I dont get excited or get my hopes up then I cant be disappointed or hurt by things. My hubby has always been smooth with words and such and there was a time I believed in everything he had to say but over the years it seems that although Im the one that has always stood by his side no matter what, its me that always gets put off or on the back burner..like if i have plans or want something or need a car or whatever it may be seems like Im the one that always gets to wait...my hubby been saying to me for years now to just hang in there and things will be all better, just gotta give him a couple more weeks, or whatever...bro its been 30 years. I used to feel so safe and secure and just overall cozy in my husbands presence but for a while now that warm cozy feeling just isnt there. We dont go out to dinner or date nights we dont do anything together at all...except visit the grandbabies. When he is not at work, he is home in the recliner with his face in a screen watching netflix or whatever it may be...doing none of the things he says he wants to get done. I do what I can around our home but there are certain things I just cannnot do. I do have access to the atm machine so i can go withdrawl moneys and/or go to the store but i must let him know how much money I think I will need so he can put it on my card...it really kinda sucks, I mean it makes me feel some type a way in the first place knowing Im having to spend his money on my cigerettes or whatever it may be..Im totally depentant on my husband financially which also makes me feel bad about myself. He did not want me working full time tho, he wanted me home with the kids since he traveled alot back then with his job. So here I am 52 yo having to ask "Dad" for money, for a ride, if i can leave the house...I had more freedom and independance when I was 16 living at home with my parents.
My hubby doesnt like any of my friends, therefore I dont socialize with anyone outside of the kids, I dont have random friends stopping by for coffee and chit chat there are some days i dont even speak out loud..sometimes i feel so all alone even when he is here. We used to be best friends and talk about everything but when i do try to discuss with him how Im feeling or whatever he dismisses my feelings saying things like im being to dramatic and i need to lighten up just get over it or how he just dont want to hear it cause im just being dumb, in turn ive shut down for the most part and just suffer in silence and smile and act like everything is great.
Ive always been a very sociable person, I love friends and entertaining so this being alone ALL the time and not talking not being out in the world, is very difficult for me. This little light of mine is getting dimmer by the day...Ive always been talkative and fun and happy but now when i am in a group setting, I dont speak unless someone speaks directly to me...as my hubby always has something to say that makes me feel dumb and stupid...it has not always been this way with us..and Im trying to figure out when everything changed...some times I wonder if he even really likes me anymore or hell for that matter if i even like him as a person...I know i do love him still or else all this weirdness wouldnt be hurting my feelings...
He used to make me feel like i was the most specialest person in the world but now im just not feeling so very special, i feel more like a burden, another bill if you will, like Im just holding him back or something...i dont know I just havent felt that warm fuzzy feeling in a long time.
I also know that I want to live life not sit in this house day in and day out watching crime shows and game shows, barely talking to each other just waiting to die...geez we still youngish...not quite ready for walkers, nursing homes and such...I feel like life is just passing us by and it sucks.
My hubby never wants to do anything, I dont know if its me he just dont wanna do stuff with or if he really is content to just sit here watching tv when he is not at work...maybe he just dont want to be out and about with me i just really dont know...i know ive not be perfect over our 30 years so maybe this is just what i deserve...feeling less than and never good enuff....im just at a loss...i mean i have a big heart and alot of love to give and i really enjoy feeling wanted and needed but ive not felt either in a very long time. I guess Im wondering if my hubby and i should lock our hands together and face this next phase of life together or is it time to move on? does my hubby stay with me because he knows i have no income and he feels obligated to take care of me or does he actually love and want and need me around?
I am not sure if the problem is the marriage, your lack of self confidence, or your lack of purpose in life, your passivity, or all of this or even something else. But I do have some ideas that might help you find new perspective and figure out how to fix your own issues and move forward. As far as the relationship, I will give you the forum link about relationships that is pretty active. For this response, I am going to talk about empty nest and finding a new purpose.
It is possible to navigate these new waters on our own. Some people need more help though. I am talking about seeking therapy or a counselor that deals with life transitions or mid life women. Read one self help book per week. Go to the public library and look online if it offers online classes like mine does. Think about what makes you tick and gives you enjoyment. Put the marriage situation on the back burner for a year. But do keep up with the marriage, try to have date nights, observe and learn about your husband at this time in life. Just don't try to fix the marriage until you learn more about yourself. Because you will change by doing this hard work on yourself to find self esteem and self love. Until you love yourself first and foremost, you won't attract the relationship you desire.
I believe self esteem comes from our own positive self talk and actively working on it every day. I decided I did not love myself and so I always put others first. This didn't serve me well. So what I did was think about it, figure out why (stems from our childhood usually), and mostly I did positive affirmations like "I love myself first and best" and "I have value and worth as a human being." I wrote these out and put them in makeup drawers on mirrors and in my work drawer. I made a point to read these two to three times per day. Just reading them and saying them out loud if I had privacy or in my head if no privacy. I then started to think about if I loved myself first and was my own best friend, what action would I take in this situation. So I had to think first when dealing with situations like the rude cashier or the bully in my book club. This gave me clarity and purpose of mind. I would say it took 2-6 months of reading my various affirmations to finally have them become permanent in my thinking, or automatic.
Friends are important. I have been suggesting church clubs or book clubs and many are on zoom. If you don't use zoom, ask your 18 year old to teach you and get the program. Start to do things with other people in the evenings when husband is home and you can use "his" car (its both of yours in a marriage). Get outside if you can and walk your neighborhood once to twice a day. Do a class on the weekends or a support group or a meet up. Do this by yourself so that you begin to work those socialization muscles again.
Get your car fixed yourself. Have it towed to a mechanic and have it fixed. Do you have buses or trains where you live? If yes, learn to ride them. You've sat back and waited for life to happen, waited for husband to make you feel loved and valuable and to fix your car. It is time to start to be independent and make things happen for yourself. If you were your own best friend, wouldn't you get that car to a mechanic and make sure you had transportation OR, purchase another vehicle? So what if husband doesn't like it, if you were your own best friend wouldn't you tell yourself to start to create a life you find satisfying? No best friend would say suck it up and stay in mental prison.
Our choice is to stay in misery, and maybe husband is in misery too. His wife has become an unhappy person who has no life of her own. Maybe he thinks he owns you like my ex did or maybe he wants change also. Maybe he's a bad guy, an emotional abuser, and that you will have to decide later on once you have some clarity and some social outlets and start to love yourself first. You can do this, it won't be easy because I am suggesting to change your total thinking and drop the passivity in life. I've walked this walk and some days it is easy and some days it feels like a mountain. But you deserve to find self value and self love and self worth. Because you matter.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-relationships
Also, I might suggest you read and respond to all the other posts even if you only have a sentence or two to say. Because giving support to others is a way to be our own best friend and get out of our own misery by giving. You are a loving and giving person and this can be an outlet for you. The empty nest forum is very slow now so finding others that are more active can give you and outlet to give to others. Make you feel good about yourself for sending love and care to others. Without leaving home, ha ha. Welcome again!
I also recently purchased a little ring that says "I'm enough". It's nothing major but it helps.
I hope some of this is helpful. Hang in there.