Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I just had a "come to Jesus" talk with my 23 year old. He is very kind, sweet, generous and loving with his friends. With me, I clean his room and bathroom, do his laundry, pick up food at the grocery for him and am on call for whatever he needs.
He has said that I am needy because when I was sick, I asked him to stick close to home to help out for a day or two and he's said he felt I was acting sicker than I really was just to get attention. He doesn't like to run errands with me (to get groceries for him and things for the house) because I take too long.
So...come to Jesus.
Tonight I heard him on the phone talking with a friend who isn't feeling well and he was so sweet and caring - "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Let me know if you need ANYTHING."
I pulled him aside for less than 10 minutes to tell him that it hurt my feelings that he was so sweet with other people who have a cold but when I have an IBS flare I'm making it sound worse than it is. I explained that the doctor even calls IBS a brutal condition.
I told him that I expect to be treated like a friend he'd like to keep. He doesn't need to go WAY out of his way, but just clean up after himself, help out a big around the house and treat me with the same kindness he shows his buddies.
Just wanted to post in case others are facing the same situation. NO idea what will happen, but I needed to let him know. I want to help my kids but I'm not willing to be a doormat.
He has said that I am needy because when I was sick, I asked him to stick close to home to help out for a day or two and he's said he felt I was acting sicker than I really was just to get attention. He doesn't like to run errands with me (to get groceries for him and things for the house) because I take too long.
So...come to Jesus.
Tonight I heard him on the phone talking with a friend who isn't feeling well and he was so sweet and caring - "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Let me know if you need ANYTHING."
I pulled him aside for less than 10 minutes to tell him that it hurt my feelings that he was so sweet with other people who have a cold but when I have an IBS flare I'm making it sound worse than it is. I explained that the doctor even calls IBS a brutal condition.
I told him that I expect to be treated like a friend he'd like to keep. He doesn't need to go WAY out of his way, but just clean up after himself, help out a big around the house and treat me with the same kindness he shows his buddies.
Just wanted to post in case others are facing the same situation. NO idea what will happen, but I needed to let him know. I want to help my kids but I'm not willing to be a doormat.
I so understand what you are feeling.
I have three children and they are all so different. I too have health problems and sometimes feel terrible and really require help.
My eldest son goes out of his way to help, trips to the store ( with or without me depending on my health ), he works away for weeks at a time but when he is at home he does dishes, does small repairs and will get the vacuum out, all without being asked.
My youngest son does nothing in the home, even his own room is like a nuclear bomb. Went off. That is unless I ask ! If I am having a bad day I can ask for his help, on these occasions he is right there. He has to be told exactly what I need done but realises if I am asking for his help I must be feeling bad.
My daughter however does not get it. Her own room and space is kept immaculate without ever being asked but if I express that I am having a bad day she rolls her eyes, huffs and puffs. She says things like " maybe if you tried harder, got out more, exercised more then things would be better for you ! Duh, I have a chronic illness that is not going to just disappear anytime soon. If she is ill then everyone knows and has to fuss over her. A headache is a brain tumour, a spot is a cancerous growth etc.
Her attitude towards my health really hurts me. I brought my kids up alone, studied and held down two part time jobs whilst bringing them up, I have always been a hard worker until illness struck. Why would I make up being so sick that I can't leave my home for weeks at a time?
As you say it is important to not be a doormat, keep talking to your son in the hope that one day it might sink in !
I think the talk helped. The past couple of days he's been more communicative and has done a bit better with cleaning up after himself.
He plans to move out soon but I'm glad I had the talk with him before he did.
I think who they move in with makes a HUGE difference. One of his best friends lives at home with his parents and complains when mom interrupts his video games to clean. His other best friend is uber-responsible - full time student, married, a dad and still helps his mom out with things.
We'll see how it goes from here!!
It has been a lot better since we talked.
I'm finding that if I am firm about "house rules" while focusing on fun it works. There is no arguing but we can discuss differences. There is no being disrespectful but we can address problems. Whatever the rules you want to put into place and enforce.
If every time I get together with my kids I want to "talk" or discuss how they are not there for me even though I was there for them - or if I'm miserable whenever we get together - of course they don't want to be with me.
But if I'm enjoying my life and invite them to join me for fun stuff but am not hurt if they say no we're in good shape. So I might tell them on Monday that "I'm planning a trip to (museum, restaurant, something else I enjoy) on Thursday. Want me to swing by for you?"
I'm still learning but I feel I'm making some headway.