Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I am turning 40 this August and last fall my daughter moved out to start college. She is nearby and I still see her and talk to her nightly. So I didn't actually think I was suffering from empty nest syndrom. For the past few months, I have been in crisis mode. What's the point? No desire to do all the normal things I used to do, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. I just sit and watch tv all day. I do have a prt time job- where I work from home. I am an introvert so that has worked for me through the years. I have been trying to figure out why I feel like I am just dying internally. Each day I feel a little less alive. I read an article about feeling that way, and it said to try and figure out when those feelings started. And I tracked it back to when my daughter moved out. I think I didn't put empty nest together with it- because I didn't feel sad but I did feel empty. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I never really had hobbies or did things for myself. It was always for my daughter. And now that she isn't here- I think I am suffering from- well what do I do now? It's almost like being a mother IS my identity- and without it- I simply don't have one. Is anyone else going through this? I would love to get some insights and or support on the topic. Just chatting with someone who is going through it would be awesome. Thanks for reading.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Secondly, as I read your post, I felt like you and I were feeling the exact same way. My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and have spent 18 of that raising our only child, a son. We didn't plan on having an only child, but as the years ticked away, we just didn't get around to having anymore. It was always okay. We are a tight knit family, and it has just been the three of us throughout the years. I am also a teacher, and have taught at the same school for eleven years, and we brought our son up in a house that we built in a very small town in Kansas. My son and I always have been very close. We are both complex thinkers and are alike in so many ways. He was also my student, so I had the opportunity to see him in my classroom every single day. He is an amazing kiddo. He just graduated high school this past year. In addition, I accepted a teaching and coaching job in another town, about 50 minutes from our 'home' town. My husband works in the same town, and it just didn't make sense for us to drive back and forth, plus the wear and tear on vehicles and countless dollars spent on gas. We sold our 'home' and bought a new one in the city in which we both work. Our son loves the little town he grew up in and is renting a house there.... we are here.... he is there.... and I have cried countless tears. I feel so empty, displaced, and truly sick to my stomach most of the time. I 'feel' things so hard... I have most of my life. My son does as well... I have always told him, "What is 7 on the scale of feelings for most people, is a 15 to us." LOL .... although I laugh about it, it is a curse to me in times of sadness. I want...I ache for my old life. I ache for my 'home' and all of the memories that we have there. I ache for a place that I feel comfortable and "home" in. I knew that he was going to move out eventually, but I would have at least still been able to be in the house that he grew up in... he would still walk through the front door, say his, "hey"....and know he was 'home'.... I don't have that. I have a house with no memories in it, and I have a son with whom I miss like one would miss air to breathe. I am sitting here in a house with no memories of him growing up, no memories of amazing conversations, solving the world's problems, or laughter.... oh, his laugh is contagious. Yes, I know that memories can be made here, but it's not like 'home' ..... people have told me that with time things will get better. Do they tell you that as well, Ella? Time.... that can be an evil word. I'm lost, I'm empty, and I feel like I'm in a place that will never leave my heart whole again. Nothing....NOTHING prepares you for this, huh?
The sense of loss and emptiness is also true for fathers....perhaps this is due to not having a tight and supportive relationship with one's spouse...my situation. LIke yourselves, we also sold our home where our daughter grew up, and mostly I suppose this was a mistake. But time has no tears to shed for any of use and thus its up to us to make meaning for the remaining years in our lives. And of course meaning won't come knocking at our doors and exclaim "I'm here and ready to relieve you of your emptiness and lack of direction!" Nope, each day its up to us to create that meaning and direction, and no one will quite know how we feel. So, its up to us each day to create that sense of purpose. This is a tremendous challenge....I understand and empathize. But what other choice is there? doug
The brutaly honest and open talk with the spouse is the starting point. Don't let the fear of the unknown dissuade you.
Its not about the activity per se...but rather the moment where you and your partner are together....Maybe finding or creating a meetup with people whom you share similar thoughts and ethos. Maybe exploring the sensual freak inside of you and finding that your husband shares some of that freak as well....its worth at least finding out.
It will take energy and creativity and a bit of fearlessness. But, life goes on whether you choose to actively particiipate or not.
Our children deserve to find their own place in the world. They will still be there, but the centralness of their lives in ours will never be the same. Thats change and it sometimes sucks.