Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I am new here and appreciate being able to connect with others going through the same. I have one son age 17 and am going through such panic, sadness depression( you name it) at ALL times! It all started when a close friend of mine was murdered in January. In February, my brother, who is the strength of the family, was diagnosed with cancer. I was going through very bad times of course and now that my son is looking for colleges, I have been sent into a tailspin. My world seems to have turned upside down. I understand that this is what is supposed to happen but the most important 'job' I ever held was that of mother. I feel no sense of security. I hear so many mothers complaining about their same age kids and I just don't get it. My husband tries to comfort me but it seems that i need to be comforted constantly. I don't want to appear pathetic yet I can't seem to get past his leaving AND IT HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET!!!
I completely understand your fears. I get your sense of loss although your son is not yet gone.
My daughter just left for college 2 months ago and I have two boys a Sr. and Jr. that I am already mourning and they are still at home! i don't think you are pathetic at all. Just a loving mother not yet ready to let her son go. It seems that you are feeling as I am, that your role of mom is coming to an end as you know it and now it is about you finding a new purpose and starting a new chapter of discovering you. That is so scary ! The memories you have of your son when he was little and needed your nurturing can make you feel so sad and make you want to hold onto that time forever. We have spent the last few decades taking care of our children and to now be faced with the reality that they are grown or almost grown and will not need us in the same way cause a panic to our very cores! You also have had some pretty traumatic events happen recently and of course you are going to be more emotional and sensitive. I don't think men get it, not completely anyway. There is nothing like a mother's love- that special bond. I am glad you have someone there to comfort you. Just keep talking and know it's okay to feel what you do. Also remember that you are NOT alone. Hang in there- the panic and depression I think are perfectly normal, I had someone else say its like going through a grieving process... I thought that was right on. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and just walk through them one baby step at a time. Its gonna take some time, but we are all in this together. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Thanks for your kind and understanding words. You are so right about this being a sense of loss and it definately is a grieving process!
I so enjoyed my son. He's a wonderful child and I know he'll be a great adult. I believe that I was not given what I needed as a child and so I put everything I could into my son. My sister and I speak of our mother frequently. We're still slightly angry about our childhood yet we realize that at least our mom always made sure that we were safe and fed but that was the extent of it.. I also know that I need to redirect my nurturing feelings toward other endeavors. Perhaps working with kids who need some guidance?
At least we appreciate our kids and cherish their presence I hope your contact with your daughter is frequent and that she is doing well. Thank you for reminding me that we are all in this together.
Just wrote you a long message and accidently deleted it ! Funny, I can't bear to write it again as every time I go "there", my heart aches for myself and for all of us as well. I will just summarize this by saying that I feel that this pain is in a way, the price of loving a child. It also heralds the end of a phase of life that we loved, despite it's challenges and perhaps for oldies like myself ( pushing 61) the beginning of another that we don't look forward to. Personally, while I have never been a medication user, despite struggling with depression my whole life, I have resorted to very occasional and judicious use of Klonopin. It has helped me a bit in moments where I fall to pieces. If you have the means and feel you really need it, perhaps you could seek professional help even in the short term. I cannot add anything else to what "strugglin" has said-she is so wise and articulate, she would make an excellent therapist herself ! I think this is an unavoidable stage to be "gotten through" like all the other painful life events. We know EXACTLY what you are feeling-your post could easily be mine or that of the scores of others I have read and responded to since I joined this board. There is always someone here to listen when you are in pain, so come back as often as you need to or feel free to email me ANY time or even chat "live" if you prefer.
Thank you so much for your response. Im sorry I ve waited so long to respond. I ve been quite ill lately (one thing after another) but I ve been feeling o k about the near future. Your comment about the part of life that we dont look forward to made me sad (for all of us!). We need to put our feelings of sadness and wanting to 'mother' into something else. I know this sounds easier than it is going to be but really, what is the alternative?