Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
I am so disappointed and dismayed by men. After now dealing with my son's lack of contact with me or my husband, I now look at my husband's relationship wtih his Mother and see exactly the same things. He moved 750 miles away from her to go to school, met me and we were married. He always said his prospects for jobs were greater here where I grew up, so we stayed here. He called his Mother once a week -- at that time you paid for long distance calls and it was $20 a call or greater. Since my son leaving home I now see how much she has craved for his attention and he has even said that she has made comments about wanting to hear from him and his sister more. I have told him that since long distance is now free with cell phones that he should call her more often. His comment is that he doesn't have anything to talk to her about and that he doesn't want to hear her complain about his father, their health, etc. So, it is men in general. They do not want to deal with us Mothers. I have told my husband that is so uncaring but he says that he cares. He has said that his Mother's comments don't mean that she feels he doesn't care but I have told him that she certainly wants more from him than he is giving her. When we left her at Christmas she virtually did everything but beg him and his sister to move closer when they retired (his sister retired about 2 weeks ago). So, this mother who has not had her children living close to her for at least 20+ years longs for more time with her children. Just as we long for more time with our children, our sons. I have told my husband that it is very disturbing that these men we supposedly love just seem capable of tossing the women who loved and cared for them for many years to the side. He says it doesn't mean that, but then why are we treated the way we are? All for their manhood? I have lost a great deal of respect for my husband because of this and I am disappointed and dismayed at my son. I would trade presents, the money our son owes us, anything for a better relationship with him. I just don't understand how you can be in someone's life every day of thier life virtually for over 22 years and then just seem like you never cross their mind. It hurts so much. I just ache day after day and long for something to be different. Now I pray for either my heart to change or for my son's heart to change. I'm not sure whether I will make it or not. Some days I just don't know what to do anymore or where to go. I am lost. Anyway, sometimes it helps to be angry rather than hurt. So, men are jerks.
I can understand your feelings on the matter, and I can relate to your wanting to lash out at the universe for letting this pain descend upon you for no discernible reason. But I think even you can recognize that youve turned this pain towards your husband and that its unfair to expand it towards the entire male population of the planet.
Men and women are different. Its true. But the pain youre feeling can strike either gender. I know that first hand. If anything, men can have the same feelings you are experiencing, but many believe that it would be an affront to their manhood to let it show. I never subscribed to that attitude, but I know it exists.
So bottom line is that I totally sympathize with your situation. I feel your pain. I sincerely hope that the day will come when your son re-opens communication with you and your husband. He probably just needs to find out who he is on his own, and then maybe want to talk about it. Its what Im hoping for with my daughter.
Youre not alone.
I guess I have been disappointed by men for these reasons:
1) the day after my wedding my father committed suicide. I realize now that he was in emotional/mental pain and had been for many years. However, I now realize that it is a big emotional burden for me to bear.
2) my son disappointed my husband and I by violating our trust in him around 10 years ago. I will not elaborate.
3) my husband does not take a leadership role in our home. He has also not been one to show our son what I perhaps mean to him nor his parents as well. I don't think this has been a good example for our son.
4) my son and husband created a trust issue for me with my son's move from our home. My husband knew for a month. My son had roommates, already signed a lease on an apartment and had determined his finances. I found out he was moving out through an email. I was extremely hurt and felt somewhat deceived.
So, I guess I am quite "damaged" by the behavior of the men in my life. This spans 38 years. I realize now that I probably should have had counseling after my father's death but I was younger then and also felt I had to be strong for my mother. Now I am older, feeling also rejected somewhat by my job and my life somewhat feels like it is coming to an end. I think with the events prior to my son moving out, his lack of contact with us, my job, I just feel pushed out.
So many major things changing in our lives at this point. The disconnect between you & your son is the biggest, but you also mention your job and your marriage. Seems they all affect each other in a downward way. I feel that way too.
It sounds as if your son never witnessed his father or his parents making a strong effort to include his grandmother actively into their family. Although your mother in law's absence from your family was not done intentionally ( like a Dr Phil in-law controversy! ), it may still have caused a similar result.
You are right that this seems to be a man vs woman kind of attitude.
If your husband had re-located you across the country from your mother, you would probably have been calling her daily and inviting her out to your new location.... basically missing her terribly. You would want her to be a part of her grandson's life.
Yet, if men call their moms too frequently or move too near after marriage, they are ridiculed and teased.
There is a societal pressure for men to walk away from their moms and show no emotion. ( avoid the Momma's Boy stigma )
I have always resented the way Hollywood & current comedy shows portray the mother of the man or husband - as an intruder.
If the man's mother shows up unexpectedly at their home, the daughter-in-law is angry and scolds her husband. They make it comedic, but the message is very clear....mothers of sons should just go away!!
( Monster-in-law) ( Mike & Molly) - they live with Molly's mother, who is an alcoholic with many issues, but many episodes are written about how obnoxious Mike's mother is and how they avoid her whenever possible )
Our sons may love us deeply, but they are surrounded by situations and a culture that sends the message for them to move on and become independent.
Once they marry, many sons become totally absorbed by their wife's family and have zero time or energy for their own mother.
It is very common and very sad.
My husband was terrible. Never contacted her on her birthday. I had to remind him at Christmas. My brothers were the same. I called, I emailed, I sent gifts. My brother did nothing. Listed to my mother cry about it for years.
Well I ended up with 3 sons. One still lives with me, but I can't picture him calling or chatting on line. The oldest who I was so close to I could not imagine him deserting me never calls, comes by to do laundry, but nothing else. I get one word responses if I get any at all to texts.
But my middle son does come by. He answers texts and msgs. I worry now that his wife's sister had a baby as the wife will want to spend all her time with her sister, but I know I will still see him. I wish more boys were like him.