Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
"When you do that and surround yourself in a supportive environment it can really help."
If I'm in a dark hole, lack motivation and my life has no meaning beyond caring and worry for my son, just where and how do I 'surround/supportive enviornment'? That for me, is the problem of empty nest syndrome...call it codependent behavior, loss of identity and the world turned upside down from a 20+year routine. When there are days I don't want to get out of bed, let alone leave my house, just how am I to find that supportive enviornment?
Unfortunatly, we no longer live in the time of June Cleaver where everything is wonderful, a husband to provide, and kids that respect. Our fast paced world no longer provides time to sit and chat over a cup of coffee in a kitchen. We no longer have the freedom to just 'drop by' a friends home. People are much more cautious about relationships at an older age...50-60's.
I'm finding it very hard to find the catalist to jumpstart my body and mind into a new engine, willing to provide transportation to a new freedom. The emotional part for me is more pain, in doing what I needed to do...meaning I had to have my son put into a homless shelter to obtain state services...or wait 21/2years for a 'possible' place for him to live. I chose the former because our lives together were not healthy and I was not safe.
My son has aspergers, is a young 20 and living in a horrid place. He is safe, with roof over his head, and 3 prepared meals a day. He will continue God Willing in a school program until he is 21, then he will go into a young adult program until 25. By that time, he is on his own as far as services go to 'teach'. He then can get case management services.
I have my house, a two year plan to live and a five year plan...if I'm still alive. I will fix my house up to sell in two years, buy a condo, full pay. Live there for the next three years, apply for senior housing apt. in year 2, and when my son turns 25, I will give him the condo to live in, and I'll move into senior housing.
I've by The Grace of God, survived cancer, am dx'd with BP1, depression, heart issues, thyroid, back...blah blah blah....and have out lived my family, M, S, and B, have all died from cancer. I was Blessed, only had to have my kidney removed. I am all my son has, he is all I have in this world...I've done what I could, I won't say I've done my best because I don't feel I have...just tried to get from one day to the next.
So now, I sit at home, no money to go traveling, or grand expenditures or adventures. Due to BP1 and depression, I isolate. Do I know this is bad for me...Yes.
Again, I don't know what catalist will jump my machine to find social activities and a support network. Got suggestions, my antena ears are on full volumn. Thanks....
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
-
It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
Meanwhile, we the 'walking wounded' (sometimes I feel like the walking dead) just have to plod on through what's left of our lives. We are here to support each other because there is no magic cure, happy ending or idealistic 'supportive environment' for us!
I really think a lot of the way I feel is less to do with my son and more to do with getting old and decrepit. As if losing your health, looks, prospects and opportunities wasn't enough to deal with, we have the double blow of having to deal with our children casting us aside like old shoes; the end of an era, and acres and acres of loneliness to get through every single day. It is harsh!
But I think everyone getting old suffers, even if they've never had children - growing old, losing your power and authority, is hard for us all, and more than a little depressing. It is just made even harder for us when our children move on too. I think it's a stage in life we all have to work out for ourselves - take what comfort we can - distract ourselves and cheer ourselves up in any way possible.
And if it's not possible, then we just have to endure it - soldier on bravely to the bitter end. Not much fun is it? Count your blessings, take care of your health, eat properly, keep hydrated, make full use of distractions like fiction, films, music, hobbies.. Try and get out and mix with people every day. Live from minute to minute rather than day to day. Go to bed early, sleep as much as possible - then repeat.
A long time ago I used to think of life as being like a waiting room at the dentists. We're all waiting for something unpleasant in the end, we all have to be there whether we like it or not, so what do you do in the dentist's waiting room, to pass the time as pleasantly as possible? The answer to that will be different for everyone, but really, once we are done with mating, dating, youthful adventures, and the 'full-on' life experience of raising children, we are just waiting to die, all of us. Realistic if unpalatable! So - as in the dentist waiting room - find something pleasant to do for distraction. Some people immerse themselves in work, or a good book, or a hobby.
Very few people our age are blessed with a mythical 'supportive environment' of idealised perfect friends and family though! Some people are better at dealing with loneliness than others. Incredibly (to me) some find chores and cleaning fulfilling - I guess you are 'mothering' or nurturing your home in a way? Essentially though our way of life nowadays is unnatural. In the 'olden days' of course we would have had many children at quite a young age. We would have been fully engaged as mothers and grandmothers to our dying day more than likely - which would have been sooner rather than later. Thanks to birth control and more opportunities for women, we now have small families. Our children don't tend to marry and move into the house next door at the age of 20 and present us with a succession of grandchildren either. Thanks to medical advances we now live to our 90's quite often. The one or 2 children most of us had leave home in their teens and often move far away to college or to find work. So we now have longer lives and less to fill it with! I think it's just a sad fact of modern life really, and quite unnatural. We just have to manage somehow.
Next to me now I have a cradle with a 'reborn' type baby doll in. I speak to her and cuddle her and buy her clothes, and it is some small comfort to me, although my son thinks I'm silly and the doll is creepy! But just try and find something which works for you - and live in the moment - not the past or the future. If this moment is unbearable - it will pass. If this moment is good, you are OK. Eventually it will be bedtime again, and we have survived another day! Best wishes to us - brave soldiers all xxx
Wondering if Freud's subliminal message to you *baby doll comfort* is a message for your son to have a grand child, replace the baby doll? The continuation of life.....Take care...and yes, we are brave! and we are Strong!