Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
In searching for answers I notice that the whole topic of empty nest syndrome is dominated by women. Am I that unusual, that Im a man and having such a hard time with it? My nest isnt even empty yet, and Ive been trying to prepare for the dreaded day when my kids are gone, but now that it has begun, I realize Im not prepared at all. I have a wife, but she has never been as emotionally invested in our children as I am. Dont get me wrong shes been a very good mother to them, but shes just not the emotional type.
Anyway, Im an older parent. Had my daughter when I was 44. My son came along 5 years later. They are now 23 and 18, respectively. My wife is 11 years younger than I am, in case youre wondering. When we were expecting our first baby I was trying to be open-minded, but secretly hoping it would be a boy. But when I saw my daughter enter the world, it was love at first sight. I had never felt such a powerful love in all my life. That has never ended. 5 years later when we were again expecting, I was so enamored with my little girl, I was secretly hoping it would be another girl. When my son popped out, it was love at first sight all over again. I realize now that gender has nothing to do with it.
So briefly my daughter turned out to be the scholar, my son the athlete. She graduated cum laude with a degree in business administration. She was immediately snapped up by a major insurance company, working at the corporate level. My son recently wrapped up his gymnastic career finishing 4th in the nation on rings. Taking a break from school, he is currently working as a gymnastic coach and trying to figure what direction to go with his education and his life in general. They are very different from each other, but they have a good bond between them and we couldnt be prouder of either of them.
Im convinced my reason for being put on this earth was to create these two remarkable people. For the last couple of decades they have been my prides and joy, my best friends, my reason for living. They both still live with us, but that is changing soon. Knowing how hard it is to get started these days, my business-savvy daughter accepted our offer to let her continue living with us rent-free for as long as she liked in order to save up enough of a proper nest egg to launch her new life. For our part we agreed to totally give her as much personal space as she needed. No keeping track of her whereabouts, no asking where shes going or when shell be back. She went from daughter to roommate. She insisted on buying her own food and taking care of her own needs, and I was satisfied just to see her now and then and sometimes watch a little tv together. We didnt talk as much as I would have liked, but thats as much my fault as anybodys. I refused to pry into her life any more than she wanted to volunteer, and she claimed she didnt really have anything noteworthy to share. I figured that might be a constructive way for me to start letting go anyway.
So now the hard part. The time has arrived. Last night she announced that she will be moving into an apartment soon with a couple of people recommended by her co-workers. Financially she will be getting a very good deal on rent, so she figures its time to spread her wings. The apartment is local, so it will be easy for her to visit us any time she wants to. If I remember myself at that age, I doubt that will be as often as I would like. I took the news quietly, offered to help her with furniture or anything else she may need. It was the fatherly thing to do.
This morning either she got up for work early or didnt come home at all last night. Either case isnt unusual, especially knowing she has a lot to do, what with work and getting ready for the move. But then reality hit me like fast-moving train. I nearly collapsed in an ocean of tears. Caught me by surprise, actually. I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it. Im a man. Im tough. But my baby girl is leaving us. Our home will never be the same.
That was just a couple of hours ago. Ive spent the morning searching for answers on the internet. The consensus is that this pain will subside in a few days. Maybe. I tried to think of friends I could talk to for comfort, but for the most part they seemed to have been relieved when their kids left home. I even know some who are looking forward to that day. I just cant relate.
So here I am. Looking for comfort. Pouring my heart out to total strangers on the internet. I need to know that the pain Im feeling at this moment is temporary. Right now I can hardly bear it.
Anyway, Im an older parent. Had my daughter when I was 44. My son came along 5 years later. They are now 23 and 18, respectively. My wife is 11 years younger than I am, in case youre wondering. When we were expecting our first baby I was trying to be open-minded, but secretly hoping it would be a boy. But when I saw my daughter enter the world, it was love at first sight. I had never felt such a powerful love in all my life. That has never ended. 5 years later when we were again expecting, I was so enamored with my little girl, I was secretly hoping it would be another girl. When my son popped out, it was love at first sight all over again. I realize now that gender has nothing to do with it.
So briefly my daughter turned out to be the scholar, my son the athlete. She graduated cum laude with a degree in business administration. She was immediately snapped up by a major insurance company, working at the corporate level. My son recently wrapped up his gymnastic career finishing 4th in the nation on rings. Taking a break from school, he is currently working as a gymnastic coach and trying to figure what direction to go with his education and his life in general. They are very different from each other, but they have a good bond between them and we couldnt be prouder of either of them.
Im convinced my reason for being put on this earth was to create these two remarkable people. For the last couple of decades they have been my prides and joy, my best friends, my reason for living. They both still live with us, but that is changing soon. Knowing how hard it is to get started these days, my business-savvy daughter accepted our offer to let her continue living with us rent-free for as long as she liked in order to save up enough of a proper nest egg to launch her new life. For our part we agreed to totally give her as much personal space as she needed. No keeping track of her whereabouts, no asking where shes going or when shell be back. She went from daughter to roommate. She insisted on buying her own food and taking care of her own needs, and I was satisfied just to see her now and then and sometimes watch a little tv together. We didnt talk as much as I would have liked, but thats as much my fault as anybodys. I refused to pry into her life any more than she wanted to volunteer, and she claimed she didnt really have anything noteworthy to share. I figured that might be a constructive way for me to start letting go anyway.
So now the hard part. The time has arrived. Last night she announced that she will be moving into an apartment soon with a couple of people recommended by her co-workers. Financially she will be getting a very good deal on rent, so she figures its time to spread her wings. The apartment is local, so it will be easy for her to visit us any time she wants to. If I remember myself at that age, I doubt that will be as often as I would like. I took the news quietly, offered to help her with furniture or anything else she may need. It was the fatherly thing to do.
This morning either she got up for work early or didnt come home at all last night. Either case isnt unusual, especially knowing she has a lot to do, what with work and getting ready for the move. But then reality hit me like fast-moving train. I nearly collapsed in an ocean of tears. Caught me by surprise, actually. I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it. Im a man. Im tough. But my baby girl is leaving us. Our home will never be the same.
That was just a couple of hours ago. Ive spent the morning searching for answers on the internet. The consensus is that this pain will subside in a few days. Maybe. I tried to think of friends I could talk to for comfort, but for the most part they seemed to have been relieved when their kids left home. I even know some who are looking forward to that day. I just cant relate.
So here I am. Looking for comfort. Pouring my heart out to total strangers on the internet. I need to know that the pain Im feeling at this moment is temporary. Right now I can hardly bear it.
I am sorry for your pain and I can tell you that I feel it every day of my life since my son moved out . My son moved out 16 months ago and I still have it. It is not so much that he is gone now but that he doesn't communicate with us, me in particular. I miss him so much and just feel rejected by the fact that he never contacts us. I guess I should not say never, but 85% of the communication is initiated by us. That is so dismaying and I was not prepared for it. Everything I read says he is "establishing his manhood". Well, if that is manhood, then I think it is very sad. What I read says that daughters are better at communicating, so I hope that is the case for you. There are not many men here but the women that are here can totally empathize with you. I have cried for three straight days now, once just sobbing outloud while I washed my hair and my husband could not hear me. He says he understands but I don't think he really can--he doesn't have the empty, gut-wrenching feeling I have in my chest each and every day that passes and I do not hear from our son. I feel tossed to the side, discarded, abandoned. I admire you for your feelings. I wish more men did. I hope your daughter will reach out to you even though she is moving out. I wish I could tell you it will only be a few days. My pain has continued for these 16 months, mostly just longing for more communication which does not come. My wishes for the best.
Thank you for your kind words. I couldnt help but notice your Men are jerks post, but I took that as an emotional generalization, and I can think of many other examples of why men really are jerks, aside from the whole toilet seat thing. :)
Gender aside, I totally understand your pain, as I and others here are feeling the same thing. My daughter, who is renowned as a warm and friendly person, has pretty much shut us out of her life even as she continues to pack up her belongings. With only a few days left under our roof, she has taken to sneaking in and out of the house and shutting herself up in her bedroom. We have gone from adored parents to roommates to non-persons, and we have no idea why.
When we accidentally come face to face in the hallway or wherever, she is cordial and pleasant as always, but cant seem to wait to get back to her privacy. Its almost as if shes trying to hide things that she doesnt wish to discuss with us. Maybe a man in her life? Pregnant? Tattoo? Without actual conversation its hard to keep my imagination from running away with me. We have openly acknowledged that she is a full-grown adult and is entitled to live her own life any way she chooses without our interference. She is highly intelligent, abundantly responsible, and has repeatedly proven herself to be trustworthy and honest. But somehow we have lost the open communication weve had all these years, and it hurts that she no longer wants to confide in us.
My only hope is that this is just a painful transition to a new relationship, as mutual adults, and that communication will be re-established once our new boundaries are recognized and accepted. Ive seen it happen to a few others, so I know it can happen.
So I have total sympathy with you and your situation. I cant help but notice on this forum that the mostly female membership is having problems with their sons. Not so much with daughters. It is recognized that there is a natural cross-gender phenomenon that occurs in parenthood. Moms bond more strongly with their sons, while men bond with their daughters. Guess Ill find out when its time for my son to leave us.
Keep positive thoughts, and Ill try to do the same.