Hi all, 

I'm new to Daily Strength and look forward to some healing. I generally enjoy my job, but have been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Most days, I start to feel better once I'm in my office, but today is especially hard. 

My husband and I are in our early 40s and have been together since we were teens - we had our kids when I was 14 and 19. I literally went from a child to a mom overnight. And, yes it was my choice, and if given the option, I would do it all over again. My kids were the best thing to happen to me. I know no other life than being a mom, it's been my identity for the last 25 years and is my proudest achievement. As they got older, even when they were gone most of the time, at work or with friends, hearing them walk around at night or seeing their cars in the morning made me feel complete. 

I think it's also important to note that my spouse is an alcoholic and things have gotten pretty bad over the last 5 or so years. His drinking pushed our boys to want to move out that much more. They both decided to move out this summer (6 weeks apart) and I feel completely lost. I feel like there's a hole where my heart should be. I'm not my normal upbeat, positive, glass half full person. I'm finding no joy in hobbies I had before. 

To add to the situation, our younger son is not speaking to his father or coming over to the house because of the history of drinking. I feel like my husband's drinking has caused a wedge to come between me and our boys which doesn't help with the already overwhelming feelings I am having about them moving out. If money weren't an issue, there would have been several times in our marriage that I would have left. Thankfully, but maybe too late at this point, my husband has been sober for 2 weeks. He is not in any recovery program, so he's struggling to understand why our younger son won't talk to him or come over. I have lost all compassion for his feelings since I feel he did this to himself and wish I was as strong as our son is. 

Even though I don't see them regularly, I still keep in contact with both boys. I have a really good relationship with both of them and feel like they can talk to me about anything. We text each other often. We saw our older son on Labor day and I'm meeting our younger son for lunch today. I thought that seeing them would help me get through the day easier, but it's almost harder. I have to face them knowing that they have been hurt so many times over the years and I feel guilty for standing by and allowing it to happen. 

I look forward to reading through past posts and hope to start feeling more like myself again soon. I would appreciate people refraining to post negative comments about my teen mom status or all the "should haves" that come with having an alcoholic partner. I felt the need to share these things in particular because they have had such a huge impact on my life and are likely compounding my current feelings about my boys moving out. 

~thanks