are you sure he's OK? I was in similar situation several months ago and it turned out my son had been in difficulty with various life problems, then me being ill made him feel vulnerable and alone, which in turn made him angry with me, even though I didn't chose to be ill! Your son is very young still, emotionally - who knows what's going through his mind at a time like this. Can you contact him?

Funny how we get what we need when we need it! I call that God Whispers from people on earth. Thank you for your post! Take care, ML

I wanted to let you know I called my son,,,no pickup. No guilt trip, I invited him home, lunch
together...fun time...walk through a corn maze and earn a few bucks helping me around the house. I have made a boundary of him calling me after 8;30pm...better for both of us if we don't talk when tired.Take care, ML

Son called back shortly after 8pm, he hadn't listened to either messages. So now I'm back To an Un-sympatric heart. Can I change him, No. Acceptance will get me though what ever is ahead.Take care, ML

yes the hardest thing is accepting that we are no longer the boss of them, and they are who they are. We have to show them respect for who they have grown to be, or they'll not want to keep our company now they have a choice.

I welcome ANY contact from my son, whether I'm tired or busy or whatever - I don't want to discourage him from keeping in touch, and if it has to be on his terms now, then so be it - I want him to remember me fondly when I'm gone, not dance on my grave LOL - It is hard, when we've been queen bee over their lives for so long, but we have to swallow our pride and humble ourselves - they now have the power over us, or at least they will have one day.

My son was busy last week and I didn't see him, although we had a daily brief 'hi/goodbye' on facebook message (not his timeline - keep it private as mothers are an embarrassment!) It was hard not to sulk and feel neglected, as he's the only person I talk to most weeks - but the minute I decided to just enjoy my life anyway, and respect his personal space, he came calling! There absolutely has to be no rancour or pouting either - our kids have busy, interesting lives even if we don't any more - we're lucky if they spare us 10 minutes of their time, in my opinion.

Hi Edana, thank you again for your thought provoking words. I've come to the place, as you, accepting that I no longer have control over my son's life. At this point, he is a young 20, how old is your son? At the moment he is messing up an opportunity of an education program, he has only attended twice since August 31. My heart is breaking because I believe education in any form is empowering...especially necessary in the world we live in today. He is secure where he lives, has all the essentials of life needs, so he is content to sleep, play computer games day in and day out, I truly fear for him both mentally and physically...yet I keep my mouth shut, no more bugging him about his weight (over 200lbs at 5'8") nor sleeping and computering into the wee hours of the night.
Last weekend I asked him if he wanted to come home for the day...Sure. I also said, "If you want, I'll pay you 20.00 to do some work in the yard. Ok...And so we worked together happily, later we had a backward dinner, desert first :-), then to get a grinder, of course his favorite, and ate outside on a patio. We rode our bikes into town, a beautiful day and a fun time together. I didn't bug him about not calling, just asked him if he was afraid to call...no, just sleeping and you told me not to call...because you were tired...this is true after 6hrs at hospital...didn't mean not to call for the next two days(my thoughts). I dropped the subject, no guilt trip. I'm 63, have had cancer and a kidney removed, not to mention other medical conditions, so who knows how long I'll be around...all my birth family is gone...all from cancer, sister at 35, brother at 56 and Mother at 74. He knows this and for those reasons, I've done what I can to put my ducks in a row to avoid having him to deal with health decisions, etc, he is not capable.
For my own sanity, I've turned over the responsibility of case management to those who are paid for the job. I am ending conservatorship and he will have someone appointed to take care of his money....he has no idea of money sense. Then I'll just be "Mom" and extremely grateful for that title!
It's been a year now that he no loner lives with me, I'm making good progress to start my 'own life' and now enjoy more peace. Not an easy road, but sure beats depressed and worried all the time. Do you have hobbies, I love to knit and crochet, not fancy stuff. I'm making John an afghan for Christmas. I got rid of TV(too expensive) so now I go to the library and get video's and books...Lots of Great Movies for free on U-tube too. Recently I went to my senior center, I'll be starting to volunteer there in mid-October...I just have to 'make myself get out or I become depressed...especially at this time of the year...oh well, one day at time...right :-)Take care, ML

yes one day at a time is the only way to get along I think, when the future is not particularly enticing! Make it through today, have as pleasant a time as possible, go to bed - repeat. My son is a very young 22 and also has no idea about money management - he just asks his father for more when it runs out! (and daddy always obliges of course - has been the bane of my life, although divorced nearly 20 years now).

I have found that treating him as if he is sensible, adult, good with money, responsible, capable etc. (even if he's not) has given me peace of mind and encouraged him to be those things. I think he has a lot of pride, so he is self motivated at least by that, although basically loves the good things in life and taking it easy and having fun, like most kids his age. But he also wants to be admired, applauded, praised - and the more you admire someone, the better they feel about themselves and the harder they try to be admirable - at least that's what I've found with my son, although personality comes into play too.

As for me well I nearly died out of the blue last year, from being a very fit and healthy person all my life, so that was a shock for us both, and is why I've moved house to be nearer to him. I've been invited over but so far I haven't called on him as I want to give him privacy in his personal space - I don't want to be tempted to criticise! Now I've had death knocking on my door though, I want to be here for my son for however long I've got - that's my priority. But we can't just sit looking at the door or the phone waiting for a call can we - that's even sadder! Although I'm not really interested in creative hobbies any more, or TV, or much at all, I am doing voluntary work a few hours a week, which I really enjoy and look forward to. Hoping to do more, as it's a great way to get out, meet people and feel useful again - the hardest thing when my son left home was feeling that I wasn't needed any more, so I'm sure you'll get a lot out of voluntary work, and they'll be lucky to have someone as caring as you helping out too!

As for our kids we just have to respect their choices and back off - show them some respect and admiration and they'll thrive on it. Doesn't matter how we really feel about their decisions - if we're disapproving they just shut us out and stop telling us stuff, so we have no choice really! Oh but it is hard when you love them and know what's best - we have the benefit of experience to make us wiser but they have to make their own mistakes, repeatedly, and maybe take years to learn from them - I know I did at his age.

What I wanted was my mom to just be there for me uncritical and supportive in the background, if things went wrong. What I got was a mother who turned her back on me as she disapproved of my choices and thought her disapproval would teach me a lesson, but it didn't of course. It made me even more defiant, and insecure and drove me into an awful marriage. But even though that was a mistake, was it really? My son would never have existed if I hadn't made those 'bad' choices!
Equally when we see our kids making 'bad' choices, we just have to have faith it will be OK in the end, because we certainly have no hope of steering their lives to 'success' any more, neither can we predict the future. It's hard to be supportive when you don't approve, and say 'well done' when you're disappointed, but that's what we have to do I think - have faith in them, and failing that have faith in God/providence/the Universe (whichever you believe in). It's really easier than worrying ourselves to death over them!

Hi Edana, So Very Sorry for not responding right away. It's been a week of doctor apts(3)and a new primary care first meeting Friday...And my therapist too! Today I've done Nothing except sleep eat and stay in my pj's until 430 and then finally got my lazy butt in gear to do some stuff around the house. Fun to read our son's are almost the same age! Does your son live in supportive housing or is he in an apt? John can't keep his room clean let alone live in an apt! The latest bomb to drop..John may get kicked out of school...when/where will it all end??? One day at a time. Hope you are well, ML

don't apologise mlr0853 - this is a very quiet forum and I don't expect a reply so don't stress over it - it sounds like you have enough stress in your life already, what a week! I hope you get the support and care you need at this difficult time xxx

Since my son left home I've not visited his accommodation so I can't comment on how well he keeps it, but certainly when he was home he didn't to a single thing and his room was a filthy bombsite which I ventured to clean a couple times a year when i couldn't bear it any longer! If he lives in a pit that's thankfully not my problem any more - I'm afraid to visit him and find out either way, although I have been invited - just incase a criticism pops out of my mouth - or maybe my eyes will give it away LOL *looks horrified*

I try very hard not to pass comment on my son's choices or lifestyle any more, or his 'mistakes' if he makes any - he is a very proud young adult and it doesn't take much to knock their confidence at this tender age - there's so much for them to learn and it's hard for them to make their own way in the world, but they desperately need to for the sake of their self esteem. Confidence grows slowly and if our kids are made to feel foolish or inadequate, they may just avoid life's challenges rather than risk failure, so I think it's important to treat them as if they are capable, even if they're not! If you believe in them (or at least pretend to), they start to believe in themselves.

I myself had very critical parents and had unintentionally turned into my mother! Stern and uncompromising, with high standards for my child, and for myself. My relationship with my son deteriorated to the point where he didn't visit me in hospital and said he wished I'd died there. That was a turning point for me! I have since tried to be more of an uncritical friend to my son, rather than an interfering motherly type, although I only interfered and mothered him because I love him! He just didn't see it that way at all - he saw it as the opposite of love, strangely - and when I was his age I guess I was the same way with my mother.

I bought a child's book on 'how to be a friend' by Laurie Krasny Brown - and was saddened to see that their long list of 'ways to NOT be a friend' were the type of things I said and did to my son - things like saying he was no good at something, or I could do it better, etc. There was also a list of 'ways to be a friend' and I've used that as a guide for my 'new' relationship with my son - because the old releationship I had with him was going nowhere! Our adult kids are trying to reinvent themselves as capable, competent adults, ready to take on life's challenges. We simply cannot insist they are still helpless children, no matter what we think of them privately (and no matter what the reality is).

So we have to reinvent our relationship with them correspondingly. Which is what I'm currently TRYING to do. It is hard and I slip back into my old 'mother knows best' ways too often unfortunately - but I apologise for it and ask him to call me out on it. I have become the dependent one who makes mistakes, and he is the superior adult now! It's hard, but that's the way it has to be, if I want a relationship with him now he's 'grown up'.
From the aforementioned book, 'Ways NOT to be a friend':
boss them around
brag about your achievements and capabilities
talk about them behind their back
ignore them
say 'you're not capable of doing that'
laugh at their mistakes
say they're hopeless
belittle their achievements

I don't know about other mothers, but I was guilty of all those behaviours. My bad!
'Ways to be a friend':
don't argue
say well done, even if they lose or fail
respect their privacy
try to cheer them up
invite them to your home
cooperate
take them places
smile
respect what they do
help them if they ask
be able to apologise to them
tell them they're good at something
be generous and considerate

Strangely being a mother made me proprietorial, because of course I was judged as my son was judged - so his successes and failures reflected on me. This made me more 'pushy' and controlling, and less friendly towards him. It's the habit of decades, but I've got to change it or lose him. I feel grateful that he's forgiven me and decided to give me a chance really - oh how the worm has turned LOL

Thank You So Much...it is so very kind of you to take such efforts to help me, and you have by another voice that is not emotionally involved. Will write later today, once the meetings/school issues have happened and seeing dear son. Since it is the beginig of the month, I just got my social security so I think I'll take him out for a bit of dinner...he did ask me to come up yesterday, but I didn't feel up to it...just hoping I don't have to say...sorry I'm not taking you to bank/store etc to pay for your phone...Mean Mom....such questions to answer from the heart...mean or give into 'taking care/enabling him'...my best for a good day for you...The sun has come out for the first time in 5days! AMEN!!!

Lordy...did last week ever get away from me....I went into overdrive on Monday...Tues/Wed I was down for the count. Learned Tues my best fiend's brother died, he was only 57...very very sad and destructive life of alcohol and drugs to numb his torchered soul...so very sad! I've been quite beside myself....I don't think I mentioned among other dx's I also have bipolar disorder, rapid cycle and if I get under too much stress, my head gets messed up and down I go for a few days into a dark hole until I climb out again. Any way, new update on John. He Still Has No Phone which is driving me nuts, but I won't give in and take him to bank. The Director of his school has gone Way Beyond to help dear son, and has now set him up with an afternoon job, a job coach to take him/bring him back to where he lives and stay with him while he works. He doesn't have to go to school..to the building. This was 'decided without me' which at this point I really don't care....I just want him to stay in the program!

The meeting on Monday with all his providers. I made it clear John is making the decisions, if he wants my help I there for him, otherwise he is calling his own shots. And so it goes...hope you are well and your kiddo is being Kind to You :-) ML

oh now it all makes sense! I read on another thread that your son has Aspergers, ADHD etc. *lightbulb goes on* - totally makes sense with the original post about your hospital visit and him not calling. You said you wanted some peace and quiet - and people on the autistic spectrum take things literally, so specific instructions which are clear, plus constant reminders, are unfortunately necessary. Add to that the mental confusion and anxiety caused by your being ill - and they just go into total denial and pretend it's not happening.

My son's reaction when I was at death's door in hospital for a week was totally abnormal, but I expected it so it didn't upset me that he needed to act like it didn't matter. People on the autistic spectrum can't deal with change being forced on them - they like to either keep things the same, or be in control of what's happening, so expect trouble when they can't do those things!

If it's any help, try and see your son as 20 years old intellectually, but more like 14 years old socially and emotionally. If you would expect a 14 year old boy (girls are more capable at that age generally) to struggle with something, then expect your son to need help with it.

The problem being they are intellectually ADULT, and have their pride and independence, etc. So you have to 'help' without them noticing you are helping, or feeling that you are insulting their intelligence or being controlling - which is very tricky!

I've got Aspergers too, and yes I know how your son and mine will struggle (I left home at 19 - only just now getting my life sorted out in my 50's - it's been a bumpy, chaotic and at times perilous ride!) And with my son being on the autistic spectrum too, I know what you have to deal with as well - and it's even harder when you are not neurotypical yourself. But we can at least sympathise with our kids, since we have similar problems to them.

Mainly, as parents of independent 'kidults' we just have to have faith, keep praying, and hoping for the best, whether our kids are neurotypical or not. A lot of your son's refusal to engage with adult life (he escapes via computer addiction) will be based on lack of self-confidence and fear of failure (if you never try, you can never fail!)

So if there's anything you can do to boost his self esteem then do it - praise him for something he's done, admire and reward even the smallest achievement, like combing his hair 'oh your hair looks nice today' etc. - and NEVER openly criticise, offer advice or be controlling, even though they're like helpless kittens - we have to be subtle about helping or advising them so they still feel in control. Oh it's exhausting LOL - especially when we have our own problems to deal with!

But when I was my son's age, I needed my parents to be supportive, without interfering - to be there when I needed them - and forgotten when I didn't. It's just how young people are, and especially when they're on the autistic spectrum, because they don't really form a deep connection in relationships with people, tending to get more attached to objects which make them feel safe, like soft toys, or particular items of clothing which will be worn till they fall to bits.

Habits are reassuring to people on the spectrum, so try and encourage good habits from a young age. Mainly realise people on the spectrum need to feel in control - and yet too much freedom is so scary we shut down completely. A secure base and healthy, predictable routines are something to build on, and must come first, or there is a danger of total meltdown and either manic or depressive behaviour.

Sudden or unexpected events cause huge insecurity when you're on the autistic spectrum, as you lose control of things and go into a state of near panic, My son and I tend to become manic and hyperactive when driven by insecurity, but maybe your son tends to shut down and become more depressive? All the current changes in his life, especially around your health, will make him feel insecure, so keep that in mind, and be forgiving and tolerant if he behaves in an odd or unhelpful way because of it. Best wishes to you both! xxx

Ya got the kiddo with shutdown and depressive. He is in one now, creating drama Big Time. I'm not putting up with his antics and manipulation. We are not speaking now due to him having no phone, no clean cloths, nearly loosing his schooling. He has a case manager, social worker, therapist, doctors, nurses and two transition coordinators. Does he Use Any Of these people for help? No, he refuses their help. So now he's 'I don'thave any money" which is baloney, he has about 150.00 he can get his hands on if he goes to the bank. All he has to do is get a ride...have any of these people suggested this, No. So he whines and whines....not having any part of his Drama and told him so. Been up to his place twice during this now issue going on for over a month and haven't seen or talked to him cause I know I'd go off on him. His therapist sent me a nasty gram so I set him, and "all his TEAM" an e-mail explaining all from my perspective, not an angry e-mail, just pointing out where I'm Not His Case Manager, and All His Drama and How Much Money He Has...did I hear anything back? NO.....I so can't wait until this darn conservatorship is over...then he and His Team can wallow in his lazy drama acts...Sorry I don't have sympathy for lazy, refusal of help from me and two other members of his team...he's got to crash and the maybe he will wake up?
One can only hope!