I could cry after reading your post. WIsh it wasn't so hard but I just want to say I understand the heartache. I always check this group for new posts and saw your post. I still struggle with "letting go" and still suffer the heartache even years after my two sons have moved out and married. It sounds like your son is trying to establish his independence and I am hoping with time, he will come around. But I certainly feel for you. You are a great Mom and did everything right. The best advice I can give you is to stay busy and enjoy the son who is still at home. HUGS!!!

Hi Janette.
I'm glad you posted here.we are feeling many of the same feelings.it is awful and just hurts terribly.I hope with a little time,your son will come around and start communicating more.my third child has recently asked me to step back and give him room.to not call and text less often it really stung because I thought him and I were the closest.I cried and felt awful but am trying to give him some space and hope things turn around..hang in there. Keep posting. And don't feel alone. We understand..

I can also understand your heartache. I try to look back at my relationship with my Mom (my father had passed by the time I moved out). I saw her 3 or 4 times a week so I never called much but I hope she didn't feel "left out". Anyway, just this feeling of being left behind and they don't even notice we are gone is how I feel sometimes. I also know I am trying to come to grips with forgiving my son for the way his move out was handled by both him and my husband (who went alone wtih my son not telling me he was moving). This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I sure wish it would go away. Prayers for us all.

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke to my son on the phone today. I rang him, no answer, and he called back. He says he's fine but he "doesn't need me" and certainly doesn't want me to "help" with his new life. He says he's warm and comfortable, they have a house with electricity and water, the internet is being connected on Friday. All the stuff I read online about how to help yourself - eat well, do exercise, find a hobby, blah blah - not doing much for me right now. Started off the day crying and still crying at work. It's like death by a thousand cuts, slowly and one at a time. Why don't husbands/fathers understand? Husband thinks I'm crackers, he's fine he says, getting on with his life yada yada. Well good for him. I suppose I just have to be patient until the boy feels he wants me for something. So all those years of being a parent helper on school excursions, volunteering at kindy, pick ups and drop offs from soccer, helping with homework, cooking their favourite foods, birthday parties ... was that all for nothing? I really cannot cope with this emptiness. Dead woman walking here.

I agree with you, Janette. For me also, the empty nest is like a death except is is ongoing but with death, there is closure. The grief I feel is ongoing, day after day, week after week and month after month. I also have a husband who doesn't seem bothered by it. My problem is simpleI need them but they don't need me. If I had known the deep heartache was coming after they were grown, I don't know if I would have wanted to have kids in the first place. I think a lot has to do with the pressure on young men to not be a "mama's boy." I have friends with daughters who are still close to them in their adult lives. Being the Mom of adult sons has not been a good experience for me. I have the added DEEP HURT of knowing my oldest is with his wife's family often. I just try to keep busy as it is my coping mechanism. I believe I will suffer with this emptiness the rest of my days. Wish i could turn off emotions. HUGS!!!

I agree with everyone. Young adult men it seems are heartless. We took care of them all of their lives, wiped their noses, cleaned up their vomit when they were sick, stayed up with them all night, etc. etc.. I could go on and on, but now it seems like we have no place in their lives. It seems they are fine and don't even remember who we, their mothers, are. It is very painful, very hard to live through. And I will agree husbands/fathers are awful. My husband says he understands but I don't really believe he does. They do not feel the heartache that we do. We are not alone. We do have each other and, for me, it is comforting if nothing else to know that I am not alone. I am sorry for all of us but we can hang in there together. Hugs, peace and comfort to all.

I am feeling all these same things too as my son is 23. I knew someday he would move but how he moved and now the house being so empty has me in tears every day as well. I know the saying when you are 18 you can move out but my son was 23 and I never told him to leave when he was 18. Is harder on me because I was and still am a single mom. I also have health issues and I get scared sometimes here alone. I have a dog but it is so hard for me and now he tells me he is moving out of the state in 3 months. I was sick to my stomach so I have to wait 3 months to feel more pain when and if he really does make this big move. I never thought in my life he would move that far away from me.

Thanks whym and jomomma2. I never believed my son would leave. Still can't quite believe it. If only he'd be nice and call to say how w he's doing. I've made him a fruitcake today because he loves my fruitcake a. I sent him a text message with a photo to say I'm posting it tomorrow. No response. Silence. Why????! Surely other mothers get calls or emails or skyped or something. I'm a GOOD mum. I was at every school event, other kids envied my boys, we gave them everything - our time, resources, money etc. you know how you have good and bad days with the grief? Today's a bad day and I'm fighting back the years. Again.

Hi and please don't think you have done anything wrong.
Nothing anyone says will make up for the hurt but know you are not the only one who has gone through this and seems to be a trend with young adults these days. Do things for you now and show that you are worthy of 'YOU' time and do all the things you always wanted to do. We travel a lot and get together with friends in a similar situation and these children don't realise their support system will backfire through doing this in the future. All the best and hope things do turn around for the best :)

I hope he will come around someday. My oldest is like that. No communication really at all. I text or msg and he does not reply back for days if at all. Today he is flying across the country and I asked him to text me when he gets there, so I know he is safe, but not really expecting it.

how are you feeling now it's been a month Janette? I am baffled as to why he won't even speak to his brother - I wonder what is going on in his head, that he's so determined to reject his childhood? Something my son said to me before he left was he wanted to move as far away as possible, so he could make a fresh start and be who he wants to be. He felt that knowing me or anyone from his childhood meant that he couldn't change - because no-one would believe him or take him seriously. Can you think of any reason your son might want to reinvent himself drastically? Or feel that he can't be 'himself' unless he distances himself from his past? Is there any misunderstanding you think he might have, regarding your opinion of him? I do hope you can be reconciled with him - it sounds like such a heartbreaking, and baffling situation - and no doubt difficult for your other son to deal with too, as of course he can't replace his older brother in your affections. I hope you can get to the bottom of what's bothering your eldest. He may just be afraid to discuss things, if he doesn't like confrontation or arguments which he feels he won't win. Did he avoid being controversial when he was at home? Some people can't face conflict, or the prospect of having their opinion disrespected, and find it easier to run away - this is what my son was like anyway. Then when he finally plucked up courage to tell me how he felt, he'd explode as he was nervous about how I'd react! Explosions and arguments are better than not communicating at all, in my opinion - but some people avoid disagreement like the plague. Do you think this may be part of the problem?

I hope things are getting better for you. I can relate to your feelings about all the years of being there for your child and now you no longer feel needed at all. Both my children have moved (one across country-moved 3 years ago and one across the state- moved 2 years ago ) and I often feel that I am no longer wanted or needed unless they want me to buy them something.As with you, my husband thinks my difficulties with having an "empty nest" are extreme and he doesn't seem to understand. After 3 years, I have good days, and still some very tough days. But what they say about keeping busy (mentally and physically) does help.Tell yourself every morning that today is a new day with new possibilities. Silly I know, but i do it and it helps, especially on the tough days! Feel free to message me if you you need to talk or just vent. " Be open enough to see opportunities, wise enough to be grateful, and courageous enough to be happy" Quote from Steve Maraboli. Take care and hugs to you.

Would love an update Jannette. New here and reading through posts. Hope life is getting better.