Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
Single mom here with 2 daughters that are 13 months apart. It might be worth mentioning that I’m just shy of 54 years old – I had my girls late-ish in life. It’s been just the 3 of us for a very long time, we are a pretty tight-knit team -- they have had no involvement or interaction with their father for almost 15 years.
I started my empty nest journey last year when my oldest left for college. It was strange not having her home, but I was so proud of her and what she’s accomplished, that her leaving was a bittersweet thing for me. And I’m certain that having my younger daughter still at home buffered the absence a bit – she was a senior in high school while her sister was in her first year of college, so that school year in general was a complete whirlwind of activities for them both. In August I got the double whammy when I sent them both off to college. Again, super proud – they are great kids and are turning into pretty stellar adults. People ask me if I miss them and of course I do, but I’m not devastated which seems to surprise everyone. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I’m not grieving as much as I should be, or I’m just in denial.
They are both attending school in our home state, so I can, and do, see them more frequently than if they were not. I’ve had to take a second job to cover some of the tuition costs for them both, so maybe I just really haven’t had time for the saddness to hit me. Between the 2 jobs, I’m putting in about a 70-hour week. My life before the second job was really all about my kids, but I still was able to find a little bit of time for myself and see my friends socially on occasion. This new version of me isn’t able to do that because I don’t really have the time, and on the rare occasion that I do, I don’t have the energy, or money to do it. I would do anything for my kids, as I’m sure we all would, but the thought of 4 years of this makes me want to curl up in ball and cry. It’s uncomfortable for me to put this into words because I feel like it sounds so selfish. I’m super stressed, exhausted, and have no life, yet I can’t help but think that the second job is more of a blessing than I realize because if I didn’t have it I’d really be feeling the pains of the empty house. I just haven’t sorted out all my feelings about this yet – which I guess is pretty obvious since I ended up here on this board at 4:45 a.m.
I’m sad that my girls aren’t here, but I’m also not sad, because they are exactly where they should be, furthering their education and making their way in the world. I’m happy for, and proud of, them and what they are accomplishing, but I’m frustrated and worried about my current situation and part of me is afraid that in 4 years, when the youngest graduates and I’m “this close” to 58 years old, and there won’t be much left of life for me. Again, I hate how self-serving that sounds, but it is my reality right now. Thanks for listening.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
The more you work/earn, the less financial aid is available for the girls. You are not Old, nor late life births...I'm 63, my son is 20, now that was a late life birth...lol...I was referred to as his 'grand mother'.
No, selfish is not the word I'd use to describe your need to get a life, slow down to smell the roses. Self-Care is the word, or Self-preservation. What will happen if you work yourself to the bone, become ill, and the money is not there to pay tuition? You've done your 'mother job' for 20+ years, the girls are launched into the next stage of their life, and need to learn the responsibility of money and life. You did not mention if they are working part time, if they are please disregard, if not, it's time they pulled some part time work...even 15hrs per week by both girls would reduce your work week to 40hrs. You do Deserve A Life.
All the best as you process....ML
You are definitely heading for a 'crash and burn' scenario - and really need to explain the situation to your girls and ask them to pitch in with the cost of their studies - either from working part time themselves, or from taking out a loan as fallingleaves suggests. My son is at University here in the UK and is entirely funded by a student loan, which he won't have to repay until he's earning a decent amount after graduation. He also has a part time job 5 days a week, and gets up at 4.30am, takes the bus into town (3/4 of an hour ride) and cleans offices for 2 hours before Uni. - he also has the typical action packed social life of someone his age. His schedule would wipe me out - but he is young! When I was his age yes I could have worked a 70 hour week as you are doing, but not any more that's for sure.
I think as well as adjusting to the end of an era with your girls leaving home, you still haven't accepted the fact that you are older now too. As I said in a post yesterday, I think a lot of our difficulties come simply from being forced to face the fact that our youth is over and we are now headed for old age, with all the restrictions and losses that brings. Our kids leaving home slams this harsh reality in our face and we can't ignore the fact any more - that we are now fading lights, and they are the future.
So my advice from one fading light to another is Don't burn yourself out too soon! You deserve some quality of life before it's all over, and you NEED some TLC now you're getting older. You may find it easier to pretend you're as fit as ever, and work yourself hard to prove it though. I was doing the same thing a year ago - burying my empty nest feelings in hard work, because it was easier than reinventing myself as an 'older person'. Then out of the blue I collapsed whilst working one day! I had literally bust a gut and had peritonitis and not long to live. Without the help of a brilliant surgeon who gave up his Sunday evening just to save my life, I'd be long gone now. My point is that you may still look young on the outside, and feel as strong as ever, and want to believe you can still do anything - but you don't know what's going on inside your body.
We are getting older and we do need to slow down now, or suffer for it. I know my son works too hard, but I know that I could take it at his age, so I don't worry about him being overworked - it won't kill him, but I'm pretty sure it would me. So please slow down - for the sake of those grandkids you may have one day - save some energy for them, and let your girls shoulder some work (or some debt) - it won't do them or their studies any harm. Take care xxx
The expense I’m shouldering what’s above and beyond those loans, grants and scholarships. We are in the US and I don’t know anyone that has their education fully funded by the government or via a government student loan? FAFSA dictates what each student gets and uses a number called EFC (Expected Family Contribution) to determine an applicant's eligibility for need-based federal student aid, and state and institutional (college) aid. This determines what a potential student will receive. You would think that we’d get some additional consideration because we were a single income family with 2 kids in college, but that’s not how it works. I have daughter in private university and the other in a state university – the out of pocket after all funding has been received is virtually the same, even though the tuitions are significantly different. They have taken full advantage of every grant and student loan available from the government, scholarships from the school and private organizations, etc., but anything beyond that would have to be covered by a personal loan which neither were able to qualify for since they don’t have a credit history. I took this second job in February, after we had filled out the FAFSA, so it wasn’t even considered as part of the income when applying for funding – I took the job to literally cover the parts of the tuition that aren’t addressed by all the other funding methods. I was able to swing the out of pocket without a second job when I only had one daughter in college, but when the second went, it became obvious that something needed to be done. Translation: if I didn’t work this job, someone wasn’t going to be able to attend college.
But I digress. I hear what each of you are saying about taking care of myself and I know in my heart you are right – but I don’t see any way out. My parents never encouraged me to attend college so I didn’t until after my daughters were born. I was raising 2 kids alone, working full-time and getting my degree in the evening, I don’t want my girls to have to do that. Aside from winning the lottery or getting a sugar daddy, I don’t see any way other than what I’m currently doing (kidding about the sugar daddy, sort of LOL). I guess in a way I’m begging to have a little bit more of the empty nest syndrome, because that would mean that I actually have time to feel something, other than exhaustion and stress. Ah, well, enough of the pity party for me. Thanks again for the replies and for listening to me ramble on -- I really do appreciate it.